H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Only if and I do say only if, the children want to stay at their grandparents from Friday till Sunday evening let them go, then he see what life will be like from the get go and not being fancy free. Children mustn’t be deprived.
You then, can then spend some ‘me time’.

Have you got a friend who would be willing to watch his car at lunch time for a few days to see if he goes somewhere. If you have your name on the papers of car he drives you could maybe put a tracker on it.

I hope he gives you some answers OP even if there ones you don’t want to hear

I haven't read all of the responses but he won't be paying his share of the bills for long. Call a solicitor and get your finances in order. He will see the kids as much as the new woman in his life thinks he should. Be prepared for a rollercoaster. I'm sorry this has happened.

This is so so awful and not YOU . Even if he has been desperately unhappy he has a responsibility to you and your children to talk about it , until he can’t talk anymore.
How dare he just run away from his responsibilities it’s disgusting and so immature . People do it though all the time, and it’s so brutal and savage in this way .
I would get some legal advice , and some therapy because this kind of ‘discard’ is especially cruel. He’s avoiding all
accountability and how dare he shout at you for talking to the family . He’s left you with no choice but to ask for answers elsewhere.
I can’t stand people that are cowards. Just speak , no matter how hard or rough just talk it through . It might be the end which is so hard but at least you would have answers . No way should you be left feeling like this . Sorry x

in the end you’ll be stronger and it sounds naff and is no consolation but this is good he’s gone because you are young enough to start again and rebuild your life. Get rid of the immature prick.

Male priviledge apologist, party of one.
Yes, we women are so dramatic. 🙄
It's perfectly okay for a man to walk out on his family, leaving only a note and then refuse to even speak to his wife about it. Nothing to get upset about.

Well it seems he has been busy creating a fantasy narrative of his shit marriage, in order to justify his actions.

It’s very likely there is someone else who has caught his eye and maybe that relationship has blown up in his face? OW is pregnant/issued an ultimatum?

Poor OP is left clutching at straws because this cowardly piece of shit won’t even talk to her.

I would drop the rope OP. Try to keep the kids calm as best you can but don’t lie to them. There would be no coming back from this total disrespect for me, I would probably be thinking about divorce.

I hope you have some support in real life now.

You are doing amazingly and being so strong.
Please do take the children to stay with him this weekend. He needs to see that he cannot be ‘free’ from his children. Being separated may even mean that he has to deal with them more himself.

nobody is defending what he's done, people are saying adultery is not the only reason people leave marriages , we don't know his state of mind, some people just get to the point were they just can't cope any more as awful as that is to the ones left behind, wondering what the hell is going on.

there's a few posters on here , that seem to relish the fact, they can post with certainty he's got another woman on the go, chances are he could have but its not that helpful , to be the 800th person saying that he's definitely has and that he can't be bothered with his children, op has said that he's a good father and just because he's left the relationship doesn't mean he's leaving them

Please read the thread before you comment on how "we don't know the state of his mind" 🙄
We don't know if he has had an affair, no, but we do know he's being an immature, selfish shit.
Read all of the OP's posts if you are unsure about this.

Thank you @Evilspiritgin for a sensible post, there so much ridiculous speculation on here I feel so sorry for the OP, her head must be spinning and then having to read post after post like like the one quoted below. She is hurting, and going through a heartbreaking time and the last thing she needs is post after post from people talking such made up unsubstantiated rubbish.

momtoboys · Today 20:35
I haven't read all of the responses but he won't be paying his share of the bills for long. Call a solicitor and get your finances in order. He will see the kids as much as the new woman in his life thinks he should. Be prepared for a rollercoaster. I'm sorry this has happened.

oh I'm sorry I didn't know that you had such a good insight into his mind and their relationship, that you know what is going on

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. At least your MiL sounds lovely and willing to try to help you if she can.

That's not what this poster implied, though, is it? Leaving a note and expecting the OP to look after the children on her own while blindsided, upset and confused is selfish and immature, whatever the reason.

@Evilspiritgin No, of course I don't and neither do you. But I would say that the way he has behaved and responded to the OP give some fairly hefty clues as to what kind of man he is.

But, in reality, I actually hope that you're right and it's not the situation lots of us are assuming it is.
I hope for the OP's sake that it turns out ok because it is, after all, her life that's been thrown into chaos.
Let's hope her husband has actually left for a break & will be back supporting her in parenting their kids soon.

This is such EXCELLENT advice - please listen to this ❤️

He’s not coming back that’s for sure, but it doesn’t mean he can’t have the kids, in a shared custody agreement, as he has suggested, when the dust settles on this shit show.

If he hasn’t had his head turned, I will eat my shoes.

So until this “ shitshow “ settles Mum has to cope with upset children , work and everything else ?
How long does she have to wait for him to remember he is a parent ? A week ? Month? Year ?

I think if you read the posts as the other poster mentioned you'd see alot of what he has said is awful and doesn't reflect a poor state of mind and instead sounds very offensive towards his family life.. he's just talking out of his backside. I wouldn't bother wasting your time coming to the defence of a man who treats his wife and HIS KIDS this badly.

@Roseyjane Yeah, I'm sure he's going to be stepping right on up there and doing the right thing.

By the "dust settling" do you mean after OP has told their kids about him leaving for him and soothing their upset for him?

well doesn’t appear so, no if she wants she can take them to their grandparents for the father to look after them with the grand parents, I don’t think she wishes to do that though. Ask her.

And I mean it . Ditto my 2 adult daughters . The only exception would be if there was Domestic Abuse involved but i certainly wouldn’t expect any of them to leave their DC in that situation.

Last year, I had a friend (man, similar age I think) go through what you went through. There was no neat resolution but and he is still finding it hard, but slightly less hard.
He is doing well and I hope the same for you.
Best wishes.

Are you just saying these things to wind people up?

@Roseyjane Are you a man who has chosen a girly username?