H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

While he is enjoying a few days/ weeks/ months with his Mum , who is looking after the DC ? Oh yes , their Mum .
I have said it before but it’s worth saying again , if my adult son tried that he would be sent back home to sorts things out.

Unfortunately this has all the makings of someone else being involved.
I'm sorry OP but hopefully you and DCs are able to move forward from this 💐

Oh god, one of those fuckers who just decide to turn the page on this chapter and woe betide anyone who doesn't go along with this.
They throw a bomb and run.

Yes I did notice it.I agree with you he's an awful excuse of a man.
I am saying many women on here have seen it all play out many a timr before.

Also.
Get angry, not sad.
He had moved on ages ago when he decided what he was going to do.
He's basically been deceiving you.
You can get sad later.
❤️❤️

Your priority is you and the DC now. You know he's safe. Whatever his reason for behaving this way, you cannot trust him not to do this again. It makes no difference if there's another woman.

Yet another male who has walked away from his children & responsibilities

He could not even tell his DW in person, he cowardly left a note !
No note for the children - coward

Yes, he can have his freedom

File for divorce

Get angry !

I would turn phone off & give him his freedom

Mine too - when he gets to adulthood.
My Dad tried it once due to the 'stress' of family life, and my Grandma who was usually so sweet and passive and acted like the sun shone out of his arse drove him straight home, called the parish priest in to 'help the conversation' and took all us kids to her house for the evening.

Why is it 'man hating'?

It isn't I was being ironic.
We are immediately called man haters for being annoyed for this lady.I am just annoyed for the OP,, being left holding the baby!

Gosh what an awful shock
I read your op then update and wonder if he's lost his job . Going back to his parents means he won't have much privacy ( to see other women) but maybe it will be rent free ?
He sounds like he's running away from something and doesn't want you to know . I had a long term relationship end like this and it turned out his company had failed and he wanted away from money stress . We had a house that I took over but no children so it was not as hard . He does owe it to you to explain though . Does he go out with friends who you know mutually that would know anything .

Sorry to hear this.

sounds like working, having 3 children and no time to himself means he has opted out of the daily grind that having a family is. He now has freedom. Selfish?

ah I see!

I bet there’s another woman and he won’t admit it. A few weeks or months down the line he will suddenly “meet” this new woman and they will shack up together. But you can be sure she will have been in his life all along.

Yes, he can have his freedom
File for divorce

If he's like a good many of these men, his freedom will be short-lived until his OW wants a baby and then in a few years he'll be in the exact same position again, but with maintenance payments and unimpressed teenagers. Rinse and repeat.

One of my DD's friend's dad is making his willy-led way through this tiresome routine at the moment. It's painful to watch it's so predictable.

When they say they need space it's almost certain that there's another person involved. Sorry.

Absolutely do not let him wallow at his mummy's house. He needs to see his kids and take responsibility. What a spineless jerk.

This happened to me and it was an affair which he denied. Sends you crazy trying to imagine what’s going on. You will come through this. ❤️

I can’t beleive this thread has descended into a bun fight on whether he will ever see his kids again or not.

its utterly bizzare. Instead of trying to support the op, folks have turned on other posters screaming about how he will never see his children again.

the poor op, reading that.

Oh my god, you're still here!

You caused this. Now stop it.

It’s not about never seeing his children again , it’s about the fact he upped and left the family home assuming that his wife would look after the children, ensure they are safe, fed and go to school etc . Meanwhile he is taking a break at his Mum’s for an unknown length of time.
Oh and he didn’t have the decency to sit down and talk , the cowardly shit left a note.

Truth. Then these assholes often try to get back into their children's lives once they are old enough to not need any caring for. They feel perfectly entitled to be welcomed with open arms. Scum of the earth.

What you said about sending your adult son back home if he did that gives me faith that good mils are out there. My mil would be making up the bed taking his dinner orders and getting a list together of all the reasons he should leave me. 🤣

Feeling very sorry for you. Ignore his protestations that he won't talk to you until you calm down. It's a control mechanism. Speak with his parents, it's the one thing he doesn't want you to do and will elicit a response. He may be having an affair and doesn't want his parents to know. He is behaving like a child but he has responsibilities.