H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

How would you describe the situation then?

"Great bloke just needs a well-earned rest so has popped round his mum's for a couple of days"
🙄

You will get no disagreement from me. I already said he did a cunty thing. I was simply saying there was no indication he was planning to never see his kids again and that it would be hard for the op to see so many people saying that, on top of the pain she’s already enduring.

I agree with you that he MUST speak with her like an adult. There's a marriage, kids, a home, and everyone's future at stake. DW is entitled to answers. And lots of them. Again, and again. Until it's clear what is going on.

It's also worth remembering that his head, nerves and heart might also be imploding right now. It might be a hellish time for both.

So rather than sticking knives in each other, it's probably best they try to have a series of discussions.

You're wrong on all counts

No, walking out is not seeing them again
Says who??? He literally walked out the door without dealing with them whatsoever

spending a couple of days with the mother
That's not what he said his intentions were

He may be displaying lots of concern in front of his mother/father.
He hasn't directed that concern to his children, he hasn't checked how they are with the person who has actually been with them since he left

You're being a drama queen
The only drama queen is the gobshite who felt it within his rights to abandon his kids with just a note directed to his wife about wanting his 'freedom'

You're causing untold emotional upheaval by turning a drama into a crisis
Oh am I? The OP has said it's a crisis and that's her prerogative as she's the one actually experiencing it

What's that then? Held her in a dungeon for the last 20 years?
How about announcing he's leaving (via a note, off all the cowardly things to do) and leaving her responsible for three children with no choice in the matter?

No, a man has decided he wants his 'freedom' and has taken the cowardly way out and not discussed it with the other party while also shirking his responsibility to the children he is 50% responsible for. Get a grip.

Well said @Serendipityandmore a voice of reason.

People "literally walk out the door" whenever they go to work, put the bins out or buy a pint of milk. That's not what 'walking out on your children means'. Says who? Common sense. If that fails you, try Google.

Regardless of what he said his intentions were, that may be all it amounts to. We don't know at this very early stage. You're speculating this time apart is permanent.

DH doesn't need to "direct concern at his children". He's been away with the mother for a couple of days. Most men are not drama queens who need to be "directing concern" 24/7. It's a couple of days, no biggie.

So how would you like him to announce his intention to get a divorce? With a back rub and some roses? If he doesn't offer the opportunity to have proper dialogue with DW for weeks, then yes, cowardly. But it's very early days. His head might be imploding.

On here, there's never a shortage of man-haters gunning for divorce to satisfy their frustrations with men.

The male affair apologists on this thread disgust me.

It really is
A man with a wife and three kids can just pick up his bags and leave because he doesn’t want to be ‘tied down’. WTF
You cannot make this shit up

Me too

Every single word of what @BreadInCaptivity said.

also take ALL the money out of the joint savings accounts and put it into an account in your own name in another bank.

yes you may have to account for it in the divorce , but if you don’t take it all then he can. Both of you can take all of it, not just half .

Remember you need money to support you and the kids, he is living free at his parents . He will almost certainly stop paying into the joint account for your household bills very soon.

apply online today for child maintenance .

I agree, I think this is the case. He's just got fed up with the humdrum of daily family life and doesn't want the responsibility any more. I think he should be told the children are his responsiblity on a 50/50 basis. I doubt he'll step up to it, though.
The only other thing which occurs to me is that perhaps he's lost his job and has been pretending to go to work every day and has now come to the conclusion that he wants to start a new life and a new job elsewhere?

Have you got kids @Serendipityandmore ?

So if the Op decides that she wants to spend time with her mother ( sans kids) . Who the fuck is going to look after the kids ?
If he was really concerned about the welfare of his kids he wouldn’t have effectively blindsided their mother with the leaving note.

Men who walk out on their families declaring they "don't want to be tied down" leaving notes for their unsuspecting wives and who don't have the guts to speak to their own kids ARE spineless cowards. Don't want to be called spineless, don't do cowardly things. It isn't difficult.

Nailed it. Some of the posts on this thread are unreal. The man doesn't even have the decency to speak to his upset child.

'You made it look easy ... wah, wah' - utterly unattractive. Life isn't fucking easy. Men like this husband need to catch a massive grip. It's so pathetic.

I'm sorry, OP. Hope your meeting with the solicitor is informative and helps you gain clarity. You deserve more than this.

I'm not a 'man-hater' and have no frustrations with 'men' and don't generalise about 50% of the human race.

He didn't come home from work or to do bedtime with his children as he usually does, he has said he wants his freedom and offered to take the kids on holiday - that means he has walked out. He hasn't popped to the shop.

He certainly does need to be concerned for his children - at all times, and particularly when he just fucks off without talking to them. It's called being a responsible parent. Google it if common sense fails you.

You don't get to have 'freedom' if you have children.

It's no biggie and yet you say he's announcing his intention to get a divorce - is that no biggie? Will that have no impact on his children?

Grow up and give over on your 'man hater' bullshit. If you're a parent, you take responsibility for your children's well-being first and foremost. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman.

Wanting a divorce isn't in itself wrong, but the way you go about it should be mature and responsible when there are children involved, and if you don't consider your children's well-being as a priority in this - as in everything else - then you're a despicable loser, no matter whether you're the mother or father. End of story.

I really don’t agree with all those telling OP she must demand 50/50 or take the children to the in laws and leave them with him.

These are vulnerable children experiencing upheaval and probable trauma. Why would you therefore put them in the miserable position of having to be ‘cared for’ by someone who has explicitly stated that he wants to check out of family life?

Of course it’s not fair that she won’t end up co-parenting fairly and equally but in this case, loner term, minimum contact with dad will probably be for the best, especially if they get all the love and reassurance they need from their mum.

This. Running home to mummy and daddy is so pathetic - spineless and cowardly. And almost blaming them for making it look easy. They must be appalled at his immature and cowardly behaviour. I'd be so ashamed of him if he was my child.

Cowardice is repulsive.

ODFOD.

Always the men haters gunning for a divirce.How about quite a few women on here who have been through the same thing.
Seeing lots of similarities, and trying to prepare tge OP for what might happen.

I don't wish a divorce on anyone, very stressful.

But say if her 'head is imploding' as one of the apologists here said the absconders is? What then? Should the children be taken into care? Why should she have to deal with the consequences of his actions? Presumably her head is imploding worse than his but from the sounds of it she's actually taking her children's well-being seriously!

Did you not notice he's the one who left and said he doesn't want to be married any more? So he's the one gunning for a 'divirce' as you put it, although 'gunning' is a little too potent a word for such a coward who has run home to his mum because he didn't realise having three young children involved responsibilities

Hahahahaha.

I'm not frustrated with men.

I'm married to a lovely one. My father is a lovely one. My two closest work colleagues are lovely men.

OP's husband is a fucking disgrace.