H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

" It's like a wanted criminal leaving the country ... absconding"

No. Because,

A) He's not a wanted criminal.
B) He's not leaving the country.
C) He's not absconding.

A marriage is on the rocks, and one of the two parties is spending some time with their mother. Get a grip. No need to spew hatred at men to satisfy misandrist cravings.

Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow. Glad you seem to be taking this so well and staying strong. I think you should consider no contact what so ever with him or the in laws. Tell your kids daddy isn't well and he's gone to stay with nanny and grandad until he feels better. The best way to get someone to pay attention to you is to completely ignore them and your best shot at getting what you want and need out of this divorce is to hold your cards close to your chest whilst you get things in order (just like he did). Stay strong OP I'm following this thread for when / if you are ready to update.

I'm not totally on board with affair idea. Things could be going badly at work, he could be ill, etc. Until he talks to you it's hard to know. I hope you're getting support x

Do you know anyone from his work you can ask? It is sometimes quite obvious to colleagues when people at work are having an affair, even when they think they are hiding it well.

Exactly. Could you imagine if a mother had done this? Just up and left three young children for days with no communication?
I'm sure she would be crucified. Fathers shouldn't be able to get away with it!

Where are the misandrist remarks?

I can't see any.

I can see a lot of male affair apologists posting, though. Not helpful to the unfortunate OP at all. She and her children have been abandoned by her spineless husband.

I'm not sure if this is helpful advice or not... He's expecting you begging/crying/ 'How could you?' All of that. Why not regain your power by going 1 month no contact AT ALL unless he contacts you. He won't be expecting it and it will give you (although VERY hard to do) some of your feeling of being in control back. If the kids ask say he's gone away on a business trip and there is a problem with the signal?

Typical man. He doesn't want the responsibility of his children. Who the fuck does he think will care for them if his wife decides she feels the same?
Selfish fucker. You can't justup and leave your family without an explanation
It's wrong on so many levels. And to the pp who said he hasn't abandoned his children, well yes he has because he's not willing to tell them where he is or why he's not coming home.

Oh OP, this is so hard. I haven't read all the replies but just want to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Feel free to get angry. He's not just abandoning you and your relationship, he's abandoning the kids. That's the bit I'd find impossible to forgive. He is quite happy to decide that he doesn't have to have any active parenting role any more which is selfish and entitled, completely unfair to you but, most importantly, demonstrates what a complete wanker of a father he is.

Yeah true much like when we say 'pot calling the kettle black' isn't true because

A. The kettle isn't black and
B. Pots can't talk

You heard of analogies before?

No - a man walked out on his children without prior warning or arrangements and without engaging with them or displaying any concern for their well-being before or since. He has ghosted his own children and caused untold emotional upheaval. And that's before we even get into what he's done to his wife.

I have been through similar. There was absolutely 100% another woman. I didn't find out until AGES after because he was a very sneaky bastard who knew that the world would implode around him if I did find out.

@Roseyjane So who do you think is feeding his kids tonight, putting them to bed, making sure they go to school tomorrow?

This man has delivered an incredibly hurtful bombshell to his unsuspecting wife and then walked away and let her not only deal with that devastating upset and hurt, but also deal with her children's needs AND field their questions about where their dad is.

People need to stop defending this man who is now living at his parent's house and presumably being looked after there while his wife struggles with her feelings and cares for their unsettled children.

Saying he will still take them on a holiday and have them when she wants him to does not make him father of the year. It makes him a coward who is shirking his responsibilities to the children he had a 50% hand in creating.

Not quite the same but my stepdad went to stay in his holiday flat for a week or 2 when he and DM had a rough patch when we were mid teen kids. No other woman as far as we know. Think 2 weeks in a seaside flat kicked him into what he was missing and to be grateful for what he had.

OP, I’d be fuming. Not that that helps you.

100% agree with all this

Pathetic excuse. Just an attempt to shut them down l think, bit of flattery and a large dose of bullshit. What did he expect with 3 children?! It’s his fault he’s bottled it to put it bluntly

That's hilarious. You said exactly what the erstwhile dh said to the OP.

Christ. It's been a decade and I'm in a different LTR and I am happy but posts like this, when I see The Script laid out like this, knock me for six.

My ex would still swear he didn't cheat but there was a woman at his work he was friendly with, I told him repeatedly I wasn't comfortable with the friendship ... super coincidentally, that's who he's with now.

"She and her children have been abandoned by her spineless husband."

Speculation. A couple of days does not equal abandonment. And even if someone feels they need a divorce, it's still not "abandonment".

For all we know, there could be issues relating to mental health, physical health, depression, stress, marriage or sex issue, or anything else.

OP, why don’t you just tell him HE needs to have the kids full time while you wrap your head around this bombshell.

Selfish fucker won’t be expecting that. And if he does have an affair partner, that will scupper all meet up plans.

No defending from me. He’s a complete and utter wanker. To top it all he blames his parents. What must they think of him? What a spineless idiot he is.

Working for a divorce lawyer, you saw some right idiots but we did sort of admire the dads who did behave themselves and seemed to be civil.

Yes yes yes. 🙌

But that doesn't excuse him leaving a note rather than having a conversation with his wife, getting cross with her for speaking to his parents, telling her to "calm down", refusing to explain his actions to his children, saying he wants his "freedom" - the list goes on.
These are NOT the actions of someone who is ill or depressed.

Maybe he does want out of the marriage, obviously that happens and no one is saying people have to stay married forever, but he needs to show OP the respect of meeting with her and having an honest conversation about it.

"a man walked out on his children..."

No, walking out is not seeing them again. Totally different to spending a couple of days with the mother.

"without displaying any concern for their well-being before or since." He may be displaying lots of concern in front of his mother/father.

"He has ghosted his own children..."

You're being a drama queen.

No one has ghosted anyone. It's early days. Chill.

"... caused untold emotional upheaval."
You're causing untold emotional upheaval by turning a drama into a crisis.

"And that's before we even get into what he's done to his wife."
What's that then? Held her in a dungeon for the last 20 years?

Seriously, some of you people need to get a grip. Most of my exes have just wanted to live drama-free lives. No wonder some need headspace when there's so much needless drama going around.

Men who walk out on their families declaring they "don't want to be tied down" leaving notes for their unsuspecting wives and who don't have the guts to speak to their own kids ARE spineless cowards. Don't want to be called spineless, don't do cowardly things. It isn't difficult.

This is not how a grown up behaves. Even when marriages break up. But ohhh, poor ickle thing who all the nasty wimmins are being mean to.

Which rule of misogyny is the one about how women pointing out when men behave badly is "misandry?"

Have you tried to put yourself in OP or the kids' place at all? I can't detect an ounce of empathy in any of your replies.