H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Some people twist themselves into a pretzel doing it. Sad, really.

If I left my husband, I wouldn't be leaving it up to him how often I see my children. A decent parent who left their spouse would ask for 50:50 split. I think this is another case of a man walking away and leaving his wife to it.

Ok I’m stopping here, he said to the op he wanted summer holidays and she could then decide the custody level she preferred. If this translates to you as I never wish to see my kids again, fair enough. I am not going to fight or argue on this thread about it, it is disrepsectul

They go wrong for the usual reasons mainly:
Another woman
New baby and he isn't the centre of attention/getting enough sex
He is supposed to input into family life even the tough boring jobs like cleaning the loo.

Isn’t that the truth. I wish they’d stop derailing the thread for the OP!

Sorry this must be so awful.

Could he have lost his job but not be telling you or something like that?

He should want to see them as much as possible if he is a good dad.
I would never in a million years leave DH and say he could give me every other weekend if he wanted, whatevs. I don't understand why you think this sort of attitude is excusable.

Because it’s mumsnet and the bigger villain he is the happier some posters are.
The amount of surmising on here is quite astounding … so many people who can read minds and see into the future with such absolute certainty … 100% even! It’s ridiculous.
At least the OP is keeping a level head and following sensible steps, I hope the next few days shed some light on the future for you OP, I hope you have some good support.

Not "I don't want the faff and responsibility of parenting my children anymore"?

I don’t know why there is a pile on. Telling the op not only has her husband walked, it is now the case he will never see his three kids again, for me is appalling and not someone anyone here can say for sure.

i understand multiple people are saying it, and attacking me for saying it’s likely not the case. So I get I’m in the minority.

i can only think of how reading that would impact the op. Her situation is bad enough, without being told her kids will now fully lose their father. But as said, I understand I’m in the minority.

Strange that people are defending him here. He has walked out on his children suddenly with no explanation - so the fact that he may in time want to see them again is hardly much to praise him for - he's a coward.

OP, is it possible that he’s suddenly lost his job and he’s too ashamed to tell anybody.
I know a man who pretended to go to the office every morning as usual for nearly a whole year. He was going to the local library. his family didn’t know until he managed to get a new job. Not that he walked out on his family … but I can imagine it happening.

I don't think OP needs to log on and see posts of people trying to defend him, for whatever reason, right now.

OP I am sorry this has happened to you- he is a coward and a shit. I think he's done you a favour in the long run.

I thought you were done posting?

@HandsDown84

She just can't help it

My father decided after a decade that he no longer wanted 'family life'.

The trigger point was my older brother turning 10, and my father turning 30 the day after. He suddenly 'felt old' and wanted the single life he didn't have during his 20s. He had 3 children by the time he was 24.

So he started working abroad and for a decade we hardly saw him. I was in a serious car accident when I was 17, and he didn't bother coming home for that...he finally left my mother for another woman(he had had many affairs) 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

My mother had been a SAHM for 24 years, the family home had to be sold and she lost everything.

"Sounds like a mid life crisis/ breakdown"

Yeah, what arseholes women/men are for having breakdowns or a crisis during mid-life 😂😂😂

Similar happened to a friend of mine. 3 kids, married 20+ years and I would have said a really strong and happy couple. I remember when another mutual friend left his wife, the husband ranted on about how disgusted he was and you couldn't treat your wife like that. Roll forward a few years and he came home one evening refused to kiss his wife hello as was their norm and said he was leaving. Moved out that day. No other woman, just decided to walk away to find himself and get rid of all those people holding him back. She had no clue at all. The kids were all in their teens and now barely see or speak to their dad - old enough to understand what he had done and how much their mum was hurt.
I still can't quite believe that someone I thought was decent, honest and a loving husband and father behaved that way.

Oh OP I'm so sorry.
This same situation happened to me with my ex husband. I was 5 months pregnant with our second child. He just walked out on me. No previous relationship issues raised... I thought we were in love and happy!
Concentrate on each day and not the big picture. I know how much you're hurting right now. Ok so very sorry. Always here to chat if you need to x

Hilarious 2nd hand anger and speculation😂😂 😂

But he just walked out, he didn't ensure his children were ok, he didn't discuss it with his wife or make arrangements to continue to parent them- he just upped and left them. 'Wanting' to see them is a whole different matter

I'm not sure about social media but based on what my late husband's first wife did to him, I'd say that OP would be wise to get ahead of the narrative. (DH's ex painted him as the "baddy". In actual fact, she was having - at the very least - an emotional affair with a colleague. (She spent the night with him, but claimed that nothing had happened.)

Oh...another point.

When it comes to dividing up assets, OP should definitely get legal counsel. My DH made the mistake of being "civilised" and doing without lawyers and was royally screwed over. (He agreed that an estate agent friend of the ex could value the house. Biiiiiiig mistake.)

So sorry for your problem. Often, the person who is going through a crisis keeps living life as usual , giving off no vibes, and the partner is left with their jaw dropping
when the partner announcing their decision to leave. I think people grow at a different pace and one doesn’t see the other as being able to meet their needs.
so sorry.

You know, this looks beyond pathetic when written down.

This is so like the situation that my late husband was in with his ex.

She "wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with someone else" and DH "didn't need her" but the other man did.

Two years later, she wanted DH to "come home" to her and gave him a list of conditions. By then, he had a mortgage on his own place and the family home was only in her name.

The list included giving up all his hobbies and activities...In return, she would give up the one activity that she conducted with her Affair Partner.

When DH laughed at her, she put about the story that she'd been abandoned for a younger woman. (NB Her AP was younger...he just didn't look it, however.)