H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

It's all very well everyone saying 'he has to take the kids 50/50' - he doesn't HAVE to do any such thing. There's absolutely nothing stopping him from just never seeing them again, or deciding he will only see them EOW. One parent saying that the other will have to step up and take equal responsibility doesn't mean that they will do it.

Which is why so many mums end up with the children 100% of the time, despite there being a perfectly capable other parent - who just wants their freedom.

Have you read the whole thread now? Cop yourself on, you angry person.

Disappearing from the family, refusing to engage in a conversation around the logistics and refusing to come home and speak to the children is deserting the kids.

He is an adult with children. He doesn’t get to do that; it’s literally not an option. He has to sit down and speak to his kids and explain what is going on to them. Instead, he has walked off, opted out of this huge parenting moment and won’t engage with anyone about it.

That coupled with him saying he doesn’t want to be tied down and telling his parents that they made him think having kids would be different all point to a man who doesn’t want to parent anymore. I will bet my house that this guy will refuse to have the kids more than a couple times a month and eventually dwindle to nothing.

@Solost200 But MIL said that he arrived at her house from work so he must have lied to them about where he had been on Tuesday afternoon.

As almost every poster replying to you on here has said, the most likely thing ( percentage wise) is that he has someone else, or is thinking about it, and I do agree with that, but it IS possible there is something else going on. He may be considering his sexuality, he may have a lot of debt you aren't aware of, he may have lost his job or he may be having some kind of Mental Health crisis. Given what you said above and also what your MIL said, it may not be as straightforward as another woman.

But you are doing the right thing going forward getting the advice from a solicitor etc and planning for the future for you and the kids without him. You will find this hard, but you can get through this, as others on here have said from their own experience

Sending virtual hugs to you

Still making excuses? You're not OP's husband, are you?

Leaving his wife a note, not being mature enough to talk to either her or speak to his own kids, blaming the person he's dumped everything on without warning like a silly little boy, saying he doesn't "want to be tied down" is a move from an immature, irresponsible man who who has decided he doesn't want to be responsible for his children's welfare beyond the minimum. In other words, yeah, he's deserted them for whatever he thinks his shiny new "not tied down" life will be. Get a grip.

God it’s never bad enough for some people is it. They really like to egg it on to be worse.

I'm so sorry. There is almost definitely someone else, brace yourself and start protecting yourself for when it gets ugly.

@Roseyjane

What else does, “I don’t want to be tied down,” mean?

I don’t wish to be married to the op anymore.

Getting the financial settlement & child arrangements sorted ASAP is sensible as if he has more children it has an impact on the finances. And might leave him less time for your existing kids. Speaking from regrettable experience.

Did he not think about that before marrying and procreating?

Jesus. Sounds like a mid life crisis/ breakdown/affair.

What an arsehole 😡

Except he's not just 'staying there a few days' on a little holiday is he? It's like a wanted criminal leaving the country and claiming that 'going on holiday for a few days isn't absconding'.

Well yeah but marriages go wrong, as this one clearly has. No one leaves a happy marriage, they fight for it. It’s a sad and unpalatable truth.

@Roseyjane

And then his comments to his parents about having kids?

And then refusing to speak to his children.

I don’t know about you, but when my relationship ended, my only thought was about my kids. Not me, but getting my kids through it. Talking to them. His only thought is about himself and he is literally refusing to speak to his kids.

This man isn’t just leaving his wife, he has walked out on his kids. And again, I’ll bet my
house that he goes for the full single life and doesn’t bother being a parent anymore.

Why are people doing this? He’s made if clear he wants to see the kids, even made the summer holiday non negotiable, he’s just let her lead on when and how much. Why are people posting like he doesn’t ever want to see his kids, that’s clearly not the case.

He needs to come back and speak to his own children. If he refuses that's just another kick in the teeth. I don't know where I would even start with DS if H did this to me and said that the reason was that having a family was too hard.

I think you've covered all bases.

Good post.

Even a summer holiday? What a prince among men. They never insist on Feb half term. Funny, that.

Noones saying you can't leave a marriage. There's a difference between leaving with respect, consideration for your spouse and children. And then there's going AWOL without any decency

I think it’s derailing the thread, he’s said he wants to see the kids, that should be accepted. Yes he’s not doing it right now, but it is clearly immediate aftermath

sorry that makes no sense, I meant despite trying FOR A BABY for 10 months, he left me after the baby was 3 months old... god sometimes I surprise myself with my lack of details

Clear to whom?

some people using all their energy to defend these kinds of men.

how heart warming.

Well,of course.

He hasn't behaved decently and with respect, nor given any indication as far as the OPs posts say of what he was really intending. so why on earth would anything he has to say now be a reliable indicator of what he will actually do in future.