H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Oh my goodness this is exactly what ExH did to me. I've never heard of limerence despite reading many books and having therapy back when I thought I needed to understand what he'd done and why.

I've accepted the situation now without understanding and am so grateful to have found my feet again and to feel strong, independent and happy, but I'm off to research limerence anyway.

Even his 'Reasons' were as you state. He'd previously frequently told me he loved me, that I was beautiful blah blah and the things in his list had never ever been mentioned previously including : I had put on weight, I stopped him seeing his family (that hurt, we holidayed with them and visited loads), same with his friends (not true he didn't have any friends and I'd have loved him to go out more often), I wasn't handling the menopause very well (unlike his mum apparently who toughed it out), I had a moustache 😬, i was opinionated, I was too lenient with DS, I didn't earn enough money, my car was dirty, the house wasn't tidy enough and my favourite was that I was "undisciplined around household tasks". He had written all these on a post it note. I wish I'd kept it.

Argh!!

Sorry, you think we’re the bad guys here for thinking he’s having an affair, not him for actually walking out on his wife and kids? You seem to have wildly different standards for men and women, but thank you very much for calling us vindictive and man hating, how very charming of you.

I had this too!

never heard that one before, so true and I am going to borrow it! They either have someone on the go already or miraculously seem to meet someone in a matter of weeks of leaving a relationship. Very few of them leave, spend time alone reflecting on what went wrong and what they might want in the future. Friend of mine was devasted after her 20 year relationship ended, he told her he didn't love her anymore which of course does happen. Assured her that there was nobody else, that he needed to be on his own and sort his new life out. Three weeks later he had a new girlfriend. My friend is still single

Thank you for all your messages. It means so much that I've had so much support and advice.
I started reading the replies but I've realised I won't be able to read them all before I get the older two from after school club so I will read them all later and reply to any questions.

To answer a couple, our sex life has been normal. It's been pretty consistent since the youngest moved to her own room which was around 2 years ago now.

He is a fairly involved dad. I work less so I do more of the school drop offs pick ups and admin but he always does bedtime during the week and at weekends we split it evenly one lie in each and he helps with homework and takes the DCs out to clubs. We always made sure that we got plenty of family time at the weekends and he seemed happy with this balance.

My friends partner has found me a solicitor who is going to meet me first thing tomorrow to chat through where I stand legally and what my options are going forward.

Eldest DC was asking questions again this morning so I messaged H to say that he needs to come and talk to the DCs about whats happening or I will have to talk to them without him. He didn't reply so I messaged MIL and told her that he needs to come and talk to the DCS.

She called me back and said that she was sorry for whats happened, that she and FIL have tried to talk to H but he just keeps saying that he doesn't want to be tied down. That they don't understand what his marriage was like and that they made having a family look easy so it's their fault for misleading him. When they tried to push further he refused to answer and then he went to work. She was very apologetic and said that she didn't really know what to do.

I did think about something while I was talking to her, though. On Tuesday, he left before I did, and I didn't notice any of his stuff was gone. He must have come back to the house to leave the letter and pack a bag, which means he almost certainly didn't go to work, as he would have been so late that they would have needed cover for him.

But MIL said that he arrived at her house from work so he must have lied to them about where he had been on Tuesday afternoon.

You poor love. I don’t have any advice other than to offer that my SIL went through the same thing last year. Came back off a family holiday, celebrated their 10 year anniversary and then the next day he left and never really gave a reason. As far as I know he still hasn’t and no other woman has materialised. We’ve chalked it up to a breakdown as he struggled with his mental health. There might not be someone else, but it seems more rare for there not to be someone that’s turned his head. Big hugs

Hm.
Very sorry you are going through this, OP.
It's weird, but after reading all the updates,
any affair partner is not gonna get a prize
with this one.
💝

@Solost200 I’m glad you’re piecing things together, eg, the Tuesday timeline. Maybe he took annual leave and spent the day with OW? Who knows…

He definitely needs to man up and tell the kids what he’s decided to do, and it is unfair to a) expect you to do it, and b) ignore you, leaving you no option than to call MIL.

”It’s their fault for making it look so easy.” What a load of tosh!

Cmon now. He clearly wants to see them, and has even asked for the summer holiday as non negotiable. You decide when and how often is not th4 same as you decide if I do at all, or I can’t be arsed. And we all know full well he’s only not communicated now as he been an utter c u next Tuesday to his stbx wife. Does not mean he isn’t bothered and does not wish to see his kids again either.

the situation is bad enough without trying to make it worse.

Taking chutney?
😳🥫
Odd.

He doesn’t want to be tired down. He wants you to decide how often he sees the kids because he isn’t bothered too much about it (other than a family holiday with them).

He wants a single life, without responsibility and without kids. So you know what you do? You tell him that you’ve decided it’s best for the kids to do 50/50 and as you’ve done this week, he can have them next week. His response will tell you every thing; he wants the single free from kids life.

She called me back and said that she was sorry for whats happened, that she and FIL have tried to talk to H but he just keeps saying that he doesn't want to be tied down. That they don't understand what his marriage was like and that they made having a family look easy so it's their fault for misleading him. When they tried to push further he refused to answer and then he went to work. She was very apologetic and said that she didn't really know what to do

im sorry but yes, I think this cements it, he has met someone else. Doesn’t mean they are intimate, but yes he’s met someone else. It also shows he can take time out from work and you don’t know about it.

where he was, could be multiple things, at the bank, at a solicitor, looking at rental properties, with someone else. There is no point speculating, he is clearly not willing to engage with anyone at all on what his reasons are, and is even lying to his parents about where he has been.

It’s his parents fault for making having a family look easy??

I’ve heard it all now!

Having a family m is never always easy but good parents make sure their kids don’t know how hard they find it at times, how exhausted they are, the days when they are totally sick of their kids shit or would rather be anywhere else but standing in the freezing cold at foot ball practice making small talk with other parents.

Honestly is he really That Thick? His parents make it look easy ergo he was ‘missold’ what having a family would be like.

He’s a grade A selfish twat.

Op yoi're holding it all together fantasticaly.I was in much more of a mess than you, with no children at the time.Keep going, you are a very strong person.
The children will be grateful to have one strong parent.

Cmon now. He clearly wants to see them

Yes, but the default assumption is his wife looks after them, and he gets to see them on a schedule. I wonder what he'd say if she said "OK, my decision is I'll do EOW and Wednesday teatime, and you do the rest". He's assuming it will be the other way around, hence him thinking he's getting he freedom back, just as he desires.

Lots of separated men think they are a superstar medal-worthy dad for agreeing to see their kids at all, while the woman does the vast majority of the work and has hardly any freedom.

I think it sounds like he just wants have a single life with no responsibilities! Tell him it is 50/50.

He may not be having an affair at all, some me just decide they don’t want the responsibilities of a family which leaves you in a difficult position and is very very unfair!

Literally sounds like a little boy with that remark.

I have to say OP that your husband is full of shite and this situation is probably a blessing.

Ah yes, that must be why he’s rushed right round to explain to the kids when OP text him to tell him the kids wanted to know where he was, and didn’t just ignore her and let her deal with it all…oh wait!

Wow. That's quite terrifying really!

Communicating through a parenting app eg Our Family Wizard (paid)
or App Close (free)
means all messages are automatically recorded
no need to screenshot EVERYTHING

I think nearly everyone disagrees with you, he does want to be single, he’s met someone else.

and having the kids 50 percent will work in his favour. She gets no child maintenance. And he’s staying with his parents. Her requesting 50 percent will be like a gift to him.

Calm down.

A parent staying at their mother's house for a few days does not equate to a parent deserting their children. Get a grip.

Even getting a divorce is not "deserting your children."

He may not be having an affair at all, some me just decide they don’t want the responsibilities of a family which leaves you in a difficult position and is very very unfair!

@Blueblell absolutely this, despite trying for 10 long months he left me after 3 months... no other woman, then or since, some men are just arseholes

Keep going OP at least his parents can see what a dick he's being, not their fault either but it's right that they know, I'd photocopy that letter/note & keep a few copies safely so the words can't be muddied in months to come

Sadly I do think that there will be someone else. Men hardly ever leave a relationship unless they have another one to go to. Maybe someone he sees through work?