H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

He has literally deserted his children and his duty to them in the most irresponsible and cowardly way. There are so many comments on various threads on MN about poor parenting - other than severe abuse, actually walking out on your children is as bad as it gets. It's a pity he can't be sued for abandonment - it should be illegal.

How utterly unsurprising, to see you, a male, defending this shitty, cowardly male behaviour. This is not how you leave your wife and children. You don’t get to opt out of being a parent FFS. Imagine saying how he tells them is unimportant, ridiculous.

Oh - and OP, I hope you get an excellent solicitor and take him to the cleaners over this. Let your MIL know precisely what he did and send her a copy of his letter. Emphasise that he has walked out on his three young children leaving them upset and bewildered, and that obviously you will be taking legal action as soon as possible to ensure he fulfils his duties as a father.

Don't even bother communicating with him, go directly to legal professionals and see what advice they give you. Get an interim legal arrangement by which he pays the bills and for whatever you need in the home, don't take his word for it.

The only advantage to this situation OP is that he effectively by abandoning you and the kids and leaving the home, has designated it your property. I'd definitely make sure you establish that with the solicitor.

Yep, that's going to be the "official narrative" from now on, make sure everyone knows he dumped you and the kids by letter and abandoned you guys with no explanation, that's the story and you're sticking to it. Feel free to post said letter on Facebook.

I agree that with your telling your MIL what's happening, his intention to manipulate another woman - his mum - has been derailed. No wonder he's enraged and lashing out. His narrative control has been disrupted.

Send her the letter he sent you, in case he's massaging the truth of what happened already.

Is this really how she brought him up to treat his wife and children?

She will want to maintain relationships with her grandchildren, so will probably be civil to you as a means to an end, but her loyalty will be to him, no matter what he does. Be wary.

Be prepared for his lying twisting wriggling squirming gaslighting attempts to deflect and deny - until, oh there it is, the evidence that there IS and WAS an OW.

And be prepared for financial shocks - can he empty the accounts?

Find out what his responsibilities to his family are - and go for them.

I agree with almost all of this.. but don't post the letter on social media, KEEP IT but don't post it

This is a crock of total and utter shit assuming this poster is talking about the U.K.

English courts do not have power to do this, and even if they did it would be massively traumatic for your children to go down such a route.

This UK family law website should reassure you that @XChrome is talking total legal bollocks here.

https://www.lblaw.co.uk/family-law/children-and-family-law/removing-parental-responsibility/#:~:text=The%20circumstances%20would%20need%20to,Withholding%20consent%20for%20medical%20treatment

Absolutely this. Send her the letter with a cover note saying 'as you can see, X has said he left because he wants more freedom'. If she's in any way a nice person she will give him a hard time over that and it will stop him being able to justify it in any meaningful way given that's his main excuse. In your dealings with her, emphasise the children and what he has done by abandoning them.

Oh yeah? Where is he then? Not there. When did he ask about seeing them? He didn’t. What has he said about having contact? That she can have them. You have some seriously sea level low standards if you wouldn’t call this ‘walking out on his wife and kids’

he has said he isn't enjoying family life and wants more freedom. it could be lots of other things or it could just be that.

I wouldn't bother trying to figure out what he's thinking and think about what you need to do for you. The fact that he's not even mentioned the kids seems to me a bat signal for how his behaviour may be in regards to seeing them with regularity.

start going through your finances and getting your stuff sorted. No point going back and forth with him over messages it won't be fruitful.

If you knew anything at all about mental health and men, you would know that the biggest reason for male suicide is that they don’t talk about it.
Stop belittling my post and educate yourself.
I am not pronouncing him mentally ill, I am providing an alternative point of view which is almost unheard of from all the male hating vindictive Mumsnetters.
And for the record my brother was not having an affair, he was on the verge of a breakdown, so chuck your own crystal ball out and start having compassion instead of instant condemnation.

It does concern me that you think you told him what was happening as if he had no choice. Please stop telling women of all the freedom they'll have and all this "his face was a picture" type stuff, because the truth is, he could very easily said "no, I'll have them one weekend a month" and there's absolutely nothing you could have done about it. Nothing. You are absolutely powerless in the situation, why pretend otherwise?

You didn't get this "gotcha" moment. He chose to keep seeing his children and that was pure luck on your part. Many men don't and the woman is left knackered as the full time default parent.

Particularly the case with men who are cheating shites, already demonstrating their lack of moral compass, or inclination to do the right thing before you even factor in voluntarily looking after his own children.

He says he wants more freedom

that does not exactly denote mental health issues

It is men speak for wanting freedom
to fuck around.

notsaying he definitely does not have mental health issues, as we cannot know

but if a man leaves his wife and kids, just ups and leaves, saying he wants freedom , my sympathy and concern is primarily for the wife

(I do not hate men, the “freedom” speech is just text book for cheating men)

Don't insert your malicious speculation as fact, and insult the OP's husband. You know virtually nothing.

The thing that stands out to me is him telling you he won't respond to
Your texts until you have calmed down - he is going to make out that you are the crazy ex wife - my ex did this and it's hard to live with. My advice would be to go no contact as hard as it is.

Jesus, look at all these sad pathetic men defending this equally pathetic scumbag. You're right, many of us despise and eventually laugh at men who behave like you, you're childish, entitled and irresponsible. And many of you will end up unhappy and alone as a result. It'll be tough for the OP but she will thrive in the end. And luckily, not all men are as lacking in basic decency as you are.

No man with any integrity whatsoever says his usual daily" goodbye, I love you" to his wife and kids a day or so after his Father's Day celebration and then leaves a note on the kitchen table saying he's leaving her. The man's a weak coward who's almost certainly been having an affair with someone from work but trying to live a double life and now has had an ultimatum from the OW. The fact we know there's a script and it usually plays out says it all.

You can try and kid yourselves but nobody respects men like this, and he should remember his kids won't in the long run either. They're not objects. Their mum didn't know, he didn't have the guts or respect to discuss any issues with the person he married, the mother of his kids, face to face, before leaving them all in the lurch to deal with the aftermath of his immature, selfish behaviour. And he'll end up a sad bitter wanker like the rest of you spending your days posting misogynist diatribes on womens' forums because you can't accept how utterly pathetic you are.

Neither do you. We do know what he's done though. It speaks volumes about his poor character. And is sadly common. Behave like a wanker, get treated like one.

So maybe you should keep your ill-informed misogynist opinions to yourself.

That's not correct.

Whether or not it is due to an affair, he has done a morally reprehensible thing by deserting his three young children. For this, he deserves to be insulted, as does anyone who abandons their responsibilities like this.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. It happened to me, straight out the blue too, after what I thought was a lovely romantic (and sex filled) weekend. Though he told me in person very casually and blasē attitude - honestly a letter would have been better because that hurt - oh and also whilst one of our children was slap bang in the middle of doing GCSE's.

I was a total mess. In deep shock, partly suicidal. The lovely kind and ferocious women of Mumsnet (I namechanged) patched me together for the first few weeks so I could actually get off the floor and function. You are already doing miles better than I did, I'm greatly impressed, and your DH is a FOOL to disregard you and throw you away like this because you sound like a wonderful person and a strong woman. What an absolute selfish awful person your DH is.

And by the way it's limerence your DH is experiencing and that's regardless of whether there's another woman or not. It's either limerence with another woman or themselves. They invent a script in their head. A justification pledge of sorts. It includes a lot of revisionism goes something like:

They want their life, this wasn't what they ever wanted, YOU are responsible for holding them back and then you get the excuses - they got married too quick/they never loved you/they have 'fallen out' of love with you/ they love you but not in love with you/they want to love you but feel numb etc etc

Then character assassination: It's your fault because: They didn't want that many children/a child. You are not putting out with enough sex/not adventurous enough in bed. You, or you AND the children are a financial burden. They don't like your parents, they don't like that you work/earn more/don't have children enough/don't discipline children enough/don't work. House isn't tidy, cooking isn't good enough/house too tidy, too obsessed with house/not confident enough/too confident/put on weight/not enough weight/never listen/dont talk enough are just horrible/too many friends/not enough friends. Everything gets thrown at you seemingly when there wasn't a huge problem before and a lot of trivia thrown in with resentment and simmering anger from absolutely nowhere.

They always eventually regret leaving. Usually when they see you start to hit the thriving pheonix stage. Within a couple of years sometimes more, sometimes less. Because it wears off.

Hold your head high OP and carry on. It was pretty hard going for me and I thought I would never stop crying or get over it. But I eventually did.

Since then he can't stop asking me when I'm going to start dating again and giving me compliments...as if his business anymore...lol the idiot.

Lots of hugs

All of the things you express are natural in this situation. You were worried about him, you wanted to talk . You need to know what is happening. He needs to communicate like a grown up. He won't because he is scared that he will be talked out of it. He has rewritten your life in his head and he has to believe this in order for him to do this. He wasn't brave enough to talk to you about this because he doesn't want to resolve it. There will be someone else. You are playing catch up with him. This kind of action is possibly the most cruel thing that someone can do to their partner. I've been there and it is devastating. It is difficult to process and yes you are in a panic thinking " I don't want this " or " I can't do this" and you want to think of any reason to explain it / mental health issues whatever. It can cause a great deal of fear as you don't know how your life is going to turn out.

And what a cheeky bastard is he? You can decide how much he sees the children! He is in pursuit of his own " happiness" currently. I despise men like this who cannot even respect their partner to say " I don't want to be married to you anymore" and instead sneak off. You will get through this. It won't be easy but you will.

That's a great post - it sounds like your ex put you through a terrible time, and it's so good to read that you've come out the other side so well.

What a grade A cunt

Oh love. I bet there is either an affair or someone he thinks he could bounce to.

You are reeling because you are playing catch up. But you will catch up.

It's choice. He wants his freedom! Don't we all? But we've brought lives into the world we are responsible for so we have to buck up.

I'd go cold with him. It's good you are getting legal advice and gathering stuff together. Your only conversations from now on are about the DC.

He can have his "freedom". He can pay maintenance, have access and parent his DC on his weekends or whenever and then see how his shiny freedom life works out.

You will be fine I promise you.