H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

So, if someone did that to you , you'd feel okay I'm just going to treat this as business as usual, don't need to feel at all emotional although I've got a small baby.Be a bit compassionate.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation @Solost200. From experience, I know the first few days after something like this happening you can totally be in shock. Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to get through it. And you will get through it.

Very similar happened to me, last year. I had a thread on here about it at the time. I too got similar advice. I too thought there wasn't another woman. He left by sending me a text message whilst I was at work, the day after celebrating my birthday. He needed to 'find himself' and go on his own journey. We had nothing more in common, you see. It was best for me. He even put in that text that there was definitely no one else. He swore on his kids lives.

What followed was three full months of lies and gaslighting to me and his kids (23, 18 and 16 at the time). Until, the other woman decided to message me, whilst I was abroad (New York on what was supposed to be a surprise trip for his 50th birthday). He'd been cheating for 10 whole years. Ten years of a double life, and I suspected nothing. They find a way... Everyone on my thread was right.

Now 15 months later, I've divorced his sorry ass, bought him out of the house with an 80/20 split (great solicitor). The OW unfortunately passed away last August. She had cancer, and coming clean to me was punishment to him, as he had left her too. I won't bore you with the details. He's still sleeping on his mate's sofa.

His son hasn't spoken to him in a year. The two youngest speak to him now and again, but I know they hate what he's done. We were together 25 years. They will never forgive him.

He met another woman through online dating, who contacted me to find out what he was like, as she liked him a lot. He'd told her, he left me as I was controlling, bullying, and made him work and stole all his money. No mention of his affair. It's so hurtful how much they can lie, as none of these things are true. I also poisoned the kids against him too. He'll end up sad and lonely.

I'll never forgive him. I don't need a man and I doubt I will ever trust again. But YOU CAN come through it. One day at a time. I'm very happy and content with my life now. I couldn't imagine him being in it. I am totally no contact now.

Get a lawyer, go no/low contact and look after yourself.

Please feel free to message me if you need anything at all.

😘

How cowardly of him! 😡

I've seen it before time and time again on MN though and it is always another woman.

I remember one thread the guy up and left, randomly taking all the chutney. Wtf?! The op was devastated and so confused and worried. 😡

Focus only on you and the kids op. I'd not send them to him for now as the ONLY thing he's shown you is unstable behaviour. Keep them with you for now. But the fact he hasn't even called them makes me suspect he likely isn't going to be begging to have them pronto anyway.

Depending how old your kids are would depend what I told them.

Check out any finances, legalities, housing, etc. you need legal advice pronto.

I'd possibly ask if the joint account with savings in it can be ring fenced or protected, or take half out and stick it in an ISA and tell him the other half is his. I'm not sure but I would get legal advice on this immediately and safeguard those savings as sadly I've also seen lots of joint accounts emptied over the years on MN too. 😢

My late husband had a similar scenario with his late wife. [Their kids were adults and away from home.] She had feelings for a work colleague and had shared a room with him on a working bonding trip...but nothing had happened. She wanted to know what sex with another man would be like.

DH left her.

Two years later when (according to Scots law at that time) enough time had passed for a no fault divorce, she gave him "the chance to come home". (He'd been paying the mortgage on his new home for two years by then and the family home was in her name by then.) He laughed at her. Her story was that she'd been abandoned.

Since then, various mutual friends told him that they'd been aware of the OM hanging around after his first wife and had thought the situation quite peculiar.

I think it's sickening how some men can just think 'nah, this isn't the life for me anymore. off I pop' without much of a care to the devastation they're causing.

Be a fucking man and sit down and tell your spouse face to face, rather than leaving a crappy letter and running home to mummy and daddy. Absolutely pathetic.

In my experience, the cowards who leave like that (letter or text) often have their next woman waiting in the wings. I’m sorry, but I would be bracing myself for finding out about another woman

Oh! That strikes a chord!

DH's first wife didn't want him to speak to anyone. (They were both teachers and the teaching world in our area is a small one.) In actual fact, he made a brief announcement in the staffroom.

For her part, she tried to put across the scenario that she'd been abandoned and had gradually become friends with a teaching colleague.

The fucking arrogance of the man... to walk out on his wife and children, and then lecture you on "our business".

And, tell you what your response should be. It would be laughable if it wasn't so awful.

My cheating ex didn't want me speaking to anyone either and was FURIOUS I'd reached out to his mum.

His leaving was a little different (the "I don't know what I want, I'm so unhappy boohoohoohoo maybe I can stay with a friend for a little while"). Which I KNEW meant he had a new woman and wanted to see if the grass was greener.

His routines hadn't changed either. But I knew. When he suggested staying with a friend for a little while I knew what he'd be up to so said off you go, and don't come back because I'm not an idiot or a pushover.

He still denies cheating years later even though he was pretty much caught out and they're still together. 🙄🤦

Yes! This!

@Tootiredtosleep - good to see your update. I had very similar situation with extensive lying.

I think they have to lie because otherwise their egos can't handle the truth about who they are. They have to rewrite history to paint themselves as the victim.

Op, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You will be in a whirlwind of emotions which is physically exhausting.

Because he has. His (meaningless) words in a letter suggested he wants custody (commiting to something next year) bug he has made ZERO effort to talk to his children or help them through this time, has not explained HOW he intends to spend time with the children. So it's a whole lot of meaningless twaddle to assuage his guilt, whilst not having DONE anything other than fuck off from his responsibilities without warning. So yes, abandoning heartless bastard

Unreal...who's going to change the baby's nappy or get the kids to school? Say if the wife wanted to leave on the same day? The irresponsibility is just unbelievable.

This is it, my dad always called it car crash syndrome.They feel guilty for a bit, so you need to make sure you get what you need sorted out before they get nasty, wgich usually happens a bit later.

Really sorry it happened to you, and I hope you get what yiu need for yourself and the kids.

My late husband's ex had been living with the OM for two years when she tried to persuade Dh to go back to her. (I have no idea what she told the other man - they spent half the week at her place and half the week at his.)

When the OM died suddenly, she quickly moved on to a widower. When he died, she found another widower. That last chap apparently is not in good health and I'm fairly certain that she already has the next man lined up.

She still has her adult children believing that she only gradually became friends with the OM and that she had a year between subsequent partners.

Poor You OP, this has happened tom2 friends- the ‘we were happy then he decided to leave’ both times, despite initial denials, there was an OW on the scene.
I also know of one bloke who basically had a break down, got sorted and came back to the family - no OW there just poor mental health .

I'm so sorry you went through this, a harrowing account.
I hope you get some peace of mind.

Close friend’s DH has recently walked out, denied OW but there was one. He started off all ‘I’ll pay the bills, see the kids, let’s be mature’ But it very quickly turned to ‘ I earned it, it’s my money, I want to sell the house and take most of the equity as MY money paid most of the mortgage’
She was a SAHM with 3 young kids, facilitating his career which involved constant travel.

If he is serious about not coming back then you need to start planning for what happens.

Thank you @DreamyCyanFinch.

I was literally about to type “he’s not struggling” myself.

What an absolute c*nt. from leaving a letter, to telling you to “calm down”. Don’t give this spineless, selfish arsehole another moment of your time.

These people that have kids then decide they “want freedom” piss me off. Get a grip. What a child.

I have two friend were blindsided by their husbands like you have been. The husbands both very quickly got together with someone from work both swearing that they hadn't been unfaithful before the separation. It was pretty clear that if they hadn't actually been unfaithful, they definitely had someone lined up. If he isn't having an affair now, there may well be someone he wants to have an affair with. Sorry OP.

I used to work alongside a counsellor. A lovely lady with three children aged ten to fifteen. Her husband was also a counsellor. Then out of the blue, and she had seen no sign of anything amiss, he told her he wanted a divorce. Turned out he had been having an affair with a younger woman. She thought he was her soul mate. It is such a cruel thing for you to endure. Things will get better.

Are you one of my friends? ☺️🤣

‘So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.’

Aha, you put a spoke in his wheel.

You let his Mum know what was what - that was not in the plan, you got the first shot in before he could start ‘The Script: managing Mom’ edition.

Likely she will be loyally supportive of him to the wider audience, but she will be seething. If she has any sense, she will keep matters cordial with you to support her relationship with her GC & you will encourage her to do so.

Plan in some summer day trips with PILs so you boost the Entente Cordiale - play your lovely Mummy part with a poker face, give nothing away, leave long silences, in due course your PILs may colour in any detail you may require.

You may choose to say to MiL quietly under your breath at some point to her that everyone you know - that’s all of us by the way - says there is likely an OW, likely someone at work?

School holidays will soon be here. I am not sure tbh how much to tell your kids right now, but I would let the school know that a recent change in family circumstances has taken place & the children may be a bit distracted -just in case the children drop the stiff upper lip away from home. Thankfully the school routine is winding down a bit after the exam season.

The long summer break gives you, your children AND their father some time & space to sort schedules etc out, the aim being to have you all more settled before the new school year.

He literally did. He left the family home and didn't take his children with him.

Do you usually struggle this much with comprehension?