H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Me thinks he did.

@GingerPirate

She must know him.

It's reaching double figures the amount of times she's caped for him

To be fair, I do agree with you it is too easy on here to always blame it on another woman. However in this instance I actually strongly suspect there is another woman, or someone he wants.

But to do that you need to be fundamentally unhappy in the marriage in the first place. And that’s the key, that a lot of folks refuse to accept. There has to be an underlying unhappiness there in the first place. Not to cheat, but to end your marriage. The fact he may have a soft landing doesn’t mean he wasn’t unhappy, he clearly was.

I wholeheartedly disagree. The why IS important. If he’s been shagging around he’s been exposing OP to STIs. He’s potentially abused her good will by ducking out on his family responsibilities to spend time with someone else. If he was simply unhappy then he hasn’t addressed this with her. This is what you sign up for when you get married and more so when you have children. Yes ofc women can make men unhappy. You discuss it with your spouse like a grown up. It’s absolutely not clean. It’s all very muddy for OP who does not deserve to be treated so coldly and now has to pick up the pieces for herself and their children.

@Solost200

Any gambling issues?

That’s a fairly big assumption, like a huge leap. You’ve no idea if he’s been sexually active with anyone else, nor if he is sexually active with the op.

He literally said to his wife "you can decide when/how I see them".

He hasn't called them. Hasn't asked after them. It doesn't sound like he's bothered about continuing a relationship with them.

A true affair apologists post.

There is no advice here, just pathetic excuses.

Parents have a duty of care, partners also.

Why bother marrying, why bother having children.

I'm sure ther's plenty of people who think they made mistakes in their youth, maybe they could have been rock stars, surgeons, billionaires by the time they were 30, but lifes not like that.

You don't get second chances in many areas of life but many men seem to think it's ok to dump a family he willingly made to start again with some other deluded idiot who has no sense of loyalty to the offspring someone else has made or made themselves.

I'm too old for this excusing shite, time will tell as you age, your actions have repercusions and bad behaviour will eventually catch up on you, it may take along time but it will come.

Roll on old age, you will see.

That's a deranged perspective. If you are married to someone and you have 3 young children you don't write a letter. You take the more difficult path and face the anger, the tears, the begging, the pleading or whatever and you talk it through and explain yourself the best you can to try and at least give this person a chance at making peace with what is happening. You exit the marriage with as much respect and dignity as possible even if you have met someone else. You don't write a letter and leave your wife to deal with the house, the kids, work plus processing her marriage being over on her own. Only the most cowardly people could think that was a viable option.

This

This type of woman that goes for a family man is shameful but then so are the men that commit adultery
They've literally no morals
End of!

Hey @Solost200. Haven't rtft but didn't want to read and run.

My stbxh did this to me 6 months ago. Everyone IRL and on here told me to expect an other woman, and they were correct. Men rarely leave with nowhere to go.

Good to see you're getting your ducks in a row. Please look after yourself and get a good support network around you. I'm on PM if you ever want to chat to someone in the same boat. X

Whether he is depressed, hiding an addiction or having an affair (or any combination of those). The way he is treating you is appalling and I would never be able to forgive how the DC who should be foremost in his plans are just left to hang - is that why you are so worried for him, as his dismissal of the DC is so blase?

I'd ignore what he demands and keep talking to his mother.

Be prepared for him to turn nasty. He will rewrite history. He will attempt to fleece you. Get all the financials in place, see a divorce lawyer and know your rights. I think someone's already linked The Script earlier here - familiarise with it.

Well done telling manager. Let your friends know. You'll need a support network.

Let your children know he has left you, does not want a family life and wont discuss it with you. Age appropriate info, of course.

And stop lying - because when they discover it, they will wonder what else they can't trust and wasn't real. They need something they can depend on now.

OP even though his mother is being friendly now, be prepared for her to become distant.
Eventually she'll have to choose, and she'll inevitably choose her son.

@JFDIYOLO very good point. I got a 4 page letter telling me all the things he never liked about me!

This, sorry but most likely he is having an affair x

Perfect

Same routine could mean he’s had time off work without you knowing, or it’s someone at work, or contactable on another phone etc. most likely if this is the case he will have another phone x

sorry for you and your children, he’s treating you all very horrible and wants to put the ball in your court of ‘being unreasonable’ knob x

Unfortunately it would be very difficult to revoke his parental rights, even if he is a massive wank stain 😟
https://www.aticuslaw.co.uk/can-i-remove-parental-responsibility-from-the-other-parent/#:~:text=This%20question%20typically%20arises%20where,the%20removal%20of%20parental%20responsibility.

I can't imagine what a terrible shock this must have been out of the blue like that. I know someone else who once came home to a letter when everything had seemiblgy been fine. Whatever the reason (other woman or not), he's been extremely immature doing this to you and the kids.

It is a myth that many men have affairs because they are unhappy in the marriage.
He hasn’t shown any signs of being unhappy because he wasn’t unhappy..
He was having the best of both worlds, a loving wife and a bit on the side.
The bit on the side probably gave him an ultimatum. Another poster suggested that the bit on the side was probably pissed that he was playing happy families on Father’s Day and I second this.

Did he take them with him ?

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you and several comments on this thread reflect how I feel. At the VERY LEAST, he owes you a truthful explanation but I wouldn't attempt to get that right now. Your mind is frazzled with all the questions and attempts to look and back and see why you didn't see this coming. That is because there were no red flags and you seem to be blaming yourself for not seeing anything. You do need to confide in someone though, I appreciate your friend lives far away and has a baby but can you try and schedule a late night telephone call ? Believe me, I totally appreciate that there is little or no spare time with babies and young children , I think your friend would want to know and support you ( I talk from experience).
At the moment, please take each minute as it comes, as best you can. Eat well and take good care of yourself

@Mylovelygreendress

🤣🤣🤣🤣