H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Because he will accidentally meet this woman after leaving his wife out of the blue, but their relationship will have started after D-day, so new girlfriend isn´t an OW he has been shagging for about a year. I think this summarizes it.

But he hasn’t abandoned his family, just his wife.

And I suspect OW was waiting for him to do the deed before kicking out any partner she has…

A neighbour, on her way in to work on a crowded bus {upstairs} had a Mum and two children sitting near her.
The bus was in traffic in a seedy part of town and one of the children said ''There's Daddy!'' banging on the window to get her Dad's attention...... My neighbour watched and saw the ''Daddy'' go into a massage parlour , oblivious that he was being seen- at 8.30 am.

Neighbour said it was a shock for the poor mother.

Men will always find a way.

You are not stupid. Your husband might be secretive, a coward or poor at communication.

Very similar thing happened to me years ago. My ex decided to leave without any discussion. He was always at home or at work so like you I thought it unlikely he had another woman. And I was right. He had decided months or years ahead to leave and had been putting money into a high interest joint account online. Then when he left I went to the high street bank to ask how much was in the online account and it wasnt a joint account at all. It was all in his name and he had lied about it being a joint account. It was his secret nest egg to help him leave.
He never did tell me or our daughter why he left. But the day after he left he starting dating again. Months later we both agreed to divorce.
14 years later all I know was that he felt trapped and he wanted to start again. So he did.

Nothing on God's earth would ever keep me from DS and there is no way I wouldnt communicate with him in this situation because I love him so much. Yet he has walked away without even saying goodbye to them and left every single decision to you so you can be the bad guy.
I really do despair of some people.

Roseyjane -
Did you read the opening post?

Can we all agree to ignore the goady idiots and the male apologists, or it will detract from the thread, and turn into arguments with the hard of thinking.

Agree . She's fighting for her life in the comments, you'd think she's the other woman

His wife is his family, if you think discarding a wife and mother doesn't affect a child then you are deluded.

There is a myth amoungst cheaters and deserters that dumping the mother of your children is absolutely separate and the children shouldn't think less of their fathers for doing it, and also children shouldn't think less of themselves because the fault was all the mothers, but this always leaves scars on the children.

DNA dictates it, mommy wasn't good enough, so neither am I.

Sorry if that does not fit everyones narrative but it's the truth.

You're not stupid, and he's not struggling. What he is is a piece of shit. I am so, so sorry- you and your kids deserve so much better than this waste of space.

Ohhhhh the Rock God.

{Or rather the Rock God who wasn't}

Lots of those about, happy for women to pay their way, to buy their guitars and amps.

{Gibson 1959 Les Paul Standard as owned by Paul Kossoff please''} 🙄

having gone through this almost def someone else involved. Men don't tend to leave otherwise

So true, he is looking after the kids right now while his poor wife deals with all this. Oh, wait...

Absolutely agree. It detracts from the thread. These people tend to pop up on such threads and responding just makes it worse.

It's to assauge their guilt.

The narrative they've told themselves to ease their concience, not that they need to do it because many of them are concience free.

It's laughable that they are so dim as to to believe it or think other's believe it.

No one believes it, they just don't tell them to their faces.

Blah, blah, blah is all others hear, while privately thinking, wanker.

They never pick up on it.

All these types of people need picking up and putting in a box along with all the other liars and keeping away from good honest, decent, moral people.

If only we had a world like that, instead of having to listen to the drivel they spout.

Sadly OP everything you need to know about your STBX is in the letter...he didn't talk to you, he chickened out and wrote a pathetic letter. No attempt to discuss, fix or any warning. One tiny step up from sending you a text. What sort of man does that? Utter coward.

@Solost200

Tbh this sounds like a break down. Has he lost his job? Did something happen to him at work?

Lol, man leaves and it MUST be because he's cheating. No, women can make men just as miserable as men can make women.

They why is not important. He's unhappy. However, he told you is also not important. If it was face to face there would be tears and attempts to fix/bargaining/anger. If he does it by proxy, he's accused of being selfish, a coward, etc... but at least then it is clean.

He wants out, that's all you need to know. Start making arrangements.

So sorry, op. What a shock for you.
My first thought was affair as well I'm afraid. That or he's having some kind of depressive episode? Any history of depression?

Hope you get some answers out of him soon

Statistics show that very few women up and leave their partner AND young children .

Wow.
Strong woman!
I often think (my) life would be better without
any men in it.
However, although I can "up and go", I wouldn't be happy with myself leaving my husband to everything.
❤️

once again he has not left his young children.

The 'til you calm down' line is a classic move, putting you at fault. There is someone else on the scene.

My observation is that some men work very hard to maintain relationships with their children, no matter how toxic the divorce is. Others….well they act as if they are divorcing the family unit.

Behaviour so far suggests the latter.

Possibly why he got so cross about OP contacting his mother directly. His mother is probably worried that she will lose access to her grandchildren, so he is worried that OP and mother will gang up and put pressure on him. My advice to OP is to treat the relationship with the mother in law separately. She is the children’s grandmother and as long as the children benefit from the relationship it is worth maintaining. From what has been written so far, she is likely to be an important caregiver if he gets substantial access.

Yes, he has.