H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Yes the family dynamics always point as to how these men became so selfish. It speaks volumes how in laws behave upon poor little boys 'silly' behaviour.

Quite frankly, you're always well rid of in laws like this.

Well to be fair, he’s not abandoned his children and does wish part custody, he is letting the op decide how much that will be, and he has also said he wants the summer holiday. People are writing like he’s abandoned his children, he hasn’t,he’s left his wife, which is very different,

So sorry to read this. He sounds just like my ex brother in law. He handed my sister a letter then drove off. Firstly, don't blame yourself and second, he is behaving in an atrocious and selfish manner. The fact that he says he won't speak to you until you have calmed down and not to involve his family, proves that . I wish I could sort things out for you. Take some breathing space for yourself and don't worry about H - he's fine. Concentrate on yourself and the kids. You WILL get through this, however it ends up. Yes he's a selfish prick. He didn't consider his children as he knew you would be there. You couldn't and wouldn't just walk out saying you don't want to be with them any more. Don't tell them horrible things about him, just say he's not living here for a wee while. Try to enjoy your time with them. It is very hard to do, I know, but just do your best

Absolutely @GingerPirate. DH left me with a written list of my failings and claiming that he'd decided I was the cause of the anxiety that had plagued him all his life. His family told me to leave him be for the sake of his mental health.

I walked through the weeks after he left like a zombie, trying to support DS whose GCSE's were weeks away and was desperately upset. I knew seeing me flounder was the last thing he needed.i also had to work, and keep everything going with zero help from ExH whilst he moved in with his mummy to be pampered by her, his sister and other woman no doubt. He had no issues working as usual.

I was so incredibly lucky that my friends came to the rescue. Bringing food, chatting to DS, sending good luck messages and a home made hamper of revision snacks, stationery, fidget toys etc.. That extra input showed him that we have our own little community who cared enough to wrap both him and I up.

The person left behind doesn't get to crumble. Selfish, cowardly, ugly behaviour and TBH I swiftly decided that regardless of the reason we were a million times better without him.

Rewriting the past is a classic cheater’s playbook tactic. If he’s having an affair then he’s laying the ground work that you drove him to it. Start documenting significant events digitally so you can read what you write when he DARVOs.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain that's really sad. Although I'm not saying people can be functional in one context whilst having MH difficulties.

What I am saying is that if life feels overwhelming to the extent that you decide to take drastic action you shouldn't discard your family as opposed to taking time off work- unless work matters more to you than your wife / DC.

Of course one shouldn't go off and leave people/discard your family if you have MH issues. But people don't think rationally, or should I say 'some people' don't think rationally.

There's a local man been missing I think at least 15 years if not more, apparently just went missing. The type you wouldn't think either, professional, family man. I think you have to be functional in some degree to just walk out on your family.

I can't see how your parents would expect you to fix things when your husband walks out on you leaving you a letter after 8 years of marriage and 3 children and leaving you to tell the children whom he now seems to want little to do with. I would hope your parents would be supportive and perhaps surprise you by being so. We once lived through an awful family drama (not this particular type of drama) and kept it from my FIL for a long time and when he found out he was nothing but supportive and just disappointed that we hadn't confided in him before.

I suspect your husband has another phone incidentally.

He might come crawling back if it doesn't work out with the other woman. But you know, who would want him? You'll never feel he has your back any more and almost certainly that would be because he hasn't. I've known a leopard or two to lose their spots but that was at the beginning of the relationship where they decided that they weren't going to mess this one up - not when they came back after they'd cheated on the person they'd spent years in a relationship with. I think the thing I find most unforgiveable is that he is leaving you to tell the children when he is the one who has left.

@Solost200 I hope you're coping. I just wanted to mention in case you didn't know that the new "no fault divorce" set up means that it is no longer necessary to give a reason for divorcing. So no one has to claim or prove the other party has been unreasonable, committed adultery etc..

In addition, acting like a selfish coward, having an affair etc. does not influence the divorce process or divorce settlement entitlement.

I'm not saying that it is fair, but I wanted to mention that is how it works because although I can understand why you may feel the need to work out what he is up to, you don't need to do that wrt any future divorce. So for example, being able to prove he's having an affair isn't important in terms of divorce so please don't feel pressure to gather evidence unless you want to.

For the sake of completeness it can make a difference if he moves in with a new partner as their income can be taken into account in certain situations. Also in terms of child maintenance the contact he has with DC can impact this.

Songs that helped me.and still do.
Therefore I am. Billie Eilish
Wide awake..Katy Perry
Better than revenge. Taylor Swift
Good as hell. Lizzo
WITCH Devon Cole
I will survive. Gloria Gaynor
Go your own way. Fleetwood Mac
My Life. Billy Joel
Who knew. Pink
F**kin Perfect. Pink
GSY. Avery
Get Outta my way. Kylie
Break my soul..Beyonce
Broken and beautiful. Kelly Clarkson
Hotter now. Lu Kala
I'm still standing. Elton John
Moving on up. M people
Irreplaceable. Beyonce
Ugly heart. GRL
I won't back down . Tom Petty

A great book.to read is 'Clear Thinking' by Shane Parrish.
Aim for dignity and a backbone of steel through this. For you and your kids.
My model of what NOT to do was Alice Evans (Ioan Gruffudd's ex wife) Don't put anything on social media about it

17 years ago,I was with a cocklodger

We all know the type,was going to be in the biggest rock band ever and was going to be on stage,playing to millions
He had the problems of having zero talent,no work ethic and no money
But that wasn't a problem!the women he shacked up with could pay his way,while he sat back and waited until a record deal came hammering on his door

Anyway,I ended up with him (I wish id been on mumsnet then,but sadly I wasnt)
I fell pregnant to him-both happy,madly in love,me working my arse off to pay our way and planning for our new baby (we both had other children-this would be ours together)

I noticed that I'd top our phones up on the Monday (back in the days where you paid per text)
Mine would last a week,but he'd be demanding more credit by Tuesday morning

Didn't give it a thought (which was stupid) and just topped it back up (he claimed he'd been talking to his friend-i found out later this friend didn't exist)

My best friend would come to stay to help with the kids occasionally-still didn't click on how friendly they where,I was just happy they got on

Until 10 days before Christmas (baby was 5 months old)
They went out (with my money) to buy my Christmas present

And didn't come back

Turns out they'd been shagging the whole of my pregnancy-this is a woman who helped me with morning sickness,was there when I had vaginal tests (awful pregnancy),narrowly missed being at the birth,helped me breastfeed,helped me with the baby blues etc

Both swore up and down that they'd only got together that night-I'm ashamed to admit I did the pick me dance-they both laughed and re-wrote history together-i was crazy,had got myself pregnant,he hadn't ever been happy,he was sick of paying for me (!!!),he was too good for me etc

They lasted 8 weeks-she found he was a cocklodger who expected her to pay his way and he realised she wasn't who he thought she was-he thought he could walk away from our baby and although she was desperate for children,she didn't see why she should have to do the actual bare grit of looking after the baby while he let her do it

Looking back now,it was the script-word for fucking word

I'm so sorry your going through this-keep talking to mumsnet for support-there are a lot of wise women on here-you can do this and I promise you'll look back in a few years (happier and wiser) and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him

It's sad to say, but he doesn't need to justify anything. You just have to let him do what he's gotta do. Wishing you all the best.

Mine was Pink's Who knew.

Be very careful OP. He says he'll continue paying the bills for now but that isnt going to last. There will come a time very soon where he wants everything sit so he can be free.
I dont even think he cares zbout the kids right now either.
He wants to be disney dad on the big holday presunably without you but other thsn that he's sais you decide. So if you said one afternoon a week no doubt he would agree. Id say 50/50 right now.
That will cramp his ste no end.

What a coward . Writing a letter then running away. And the phone usage means nothing. My Ex had a second phone that he kept in his car or workplace.

Protect yourself because he is avoiding you . Take half of everything. Get what you and your kids are entitled. Do not bother trying to do the so called decent thing because he certainly hasn't bothered.

But he HAS abandoned his children.

Divorce really upsets children- You sound like an ''Other woman'' apologist.

Children are often devastated by divorce, and they do have genuine feelings of abandonment.

@oakleaffy

Honestly, the delusion is strong for some . Like even when it's right there, someone will say he hasn't abandoned the kids. It's like people don't read or struggle with comprehension

I have seen men carry out affairs at lunch hour, on the way to work, on the way back from work, there is always time. And yes, this does sound a cherchez la femme case. You have been blindsided and by the looks of it are being made out to be the difficult one. Beware. Good luck, op.

Often men are very generous in the beginning, but the new woman resents it - and the time spent with the husband's child/ren.

The children are bound to be bewildered, their lives upturned, living between two houses {if they are lucky}

Often the bloke sees them just for the odd day when he {or his new woman} feels like it.

@Roseyjane Um, of course he's abandoned his children?! Presumably they saw their dad every day, and he was a key part of their lives. He's now disappeared and only expressed an interest to see them once a year.

Would you say the same if it was the OP who had left, and said "send them to me annually for the summer holiday"?

I wouldn’t do 50/50 - it will reduce the amount of support she’s entitled to and her ability to take over the mortgage/bills. She needs to try and maintain the status quo for the kids - keep the house for as long as possible as a house-move/new area/impact this will have on schools will add further distress - and they will feel distress. The older DC was asking why no night time call as DH usually calls, so it’s already signalling significant changes for the little ones.

It definitely happens, but not "a lot". I personally know of one woman (back in the 80s) and the rest are men.

@BusyMummy001

Agree. Was just about to say the same.

I don't agree with "50/50" in general, so wouldn't it encourage it now either

@Curiossir I think, when you get married, or commit to a long-term partner, have children, and raise them together, you really do have to explain if you suddenly decide to up and leave. It's strange you would think otherwise.

Not legally but morally, he will always be the scumbag who walked out and abandoned his family.

I'm sorry but that's a label that sticks.

Op, you have done nothing wrong, don't take any of the bame, you unfortunately got one of the selfish, low bar ones., with a huge streak of cowardice running through him.

You don't realise this yet but you are stronger than him, your values are levels above.

Take care of yourself.