H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. Don't take the blame from anyone - it's how he will spin it. Similar happened to two of my friends. They both thought all was good...then out of the blue they got the 'I can't do this anymore' and sudden departure. For one of my friends their youngest was 3 months old, turned out the OW was also pregnant. Sadly this sort of behaviour isn't so unusual, these men can compartmentalise their lives very well.

Glad you're seeing a solicitor. He's not your friend, he's not on your side so its now down to you to make sure things are sorted out for you and the children. Decide what you want, there will be time to grieve later.

If it helps OP as a teen I babysat for a neighbour who had been the OW. He left her for another woman. Karma.

👆
Laying low, letting the dust settle, couple if weeks will move in with her,

@Solost200 How are you today? From experience, one step at a time, you've had amazing advice on here and the website, SurvivingInfidelity is pretty amazing as well. As far as the kids are concerned, I definitely wouldn't send them to him this weekend, it wouldn't be fair on them and they would be totally confused, but I think you already know that. You've already taken huge steps which I applaud you for! Much stronger than I was. The diary idea is excellent, keep everything, every text, every email and at the moment don't react, don't give him a stick to beat you with, go no contact until you can think clearly and then you fight. I'm with you in spirit, stay strong X

Brushmyteeth
I am sorry this happened to you, I wish I was wrong, but unfortunately the same story plays out over and over again.

Nows the time to get your ducks in a row, it doesn't matter if its MH, affair or whatever. Get a solicitor now, don't wait! Lock down finances and look after you! You will survive this but you need to hardern your heart where he is concerned and protect you and yours, sending big hugs x

Wonderful advice.

Male perspective: He is either an inadequate dick or an unfaithful inadequate dick.

I think if he wants to come back from there then the only way is to learn to take some serious responsibility and do some growing up, rapidly. Alas I think that might not happen.

Op, you sound like a wonderful mother. I’m so sorry this is happening. He is absolutely awful to have treated his family like this. He won’t be happy in the long term. You must be in shock and I’m sending a huge hug your way. So pleased you have confided in your friend and manager.

@MonsteraMama He wouldn't be worth it.

OP, Don't you dare blame yourself. It's him. It's 100 per cent him.

I'm so sorry. What a spineless way to go about it. A letter on the table and leaving you to pick up the pieces when the children get home. Stay strong.

x

OP, there will be better days. Sod what anyone else thinks.

This is exactly what my friends husband did, and she worked herself up thinking he was depressed, she got him help, read up on loads of stuff, and really he’d just started a new job and was having an emotional affair. He’s now been married to his emotional affair for 2 years even though he denied it, there was no one else and she was being stupid. He also didn’t do anything or go anywhere except work or work events.
Shit bags, the lot of them

What 'freedom' was he envisaging, given that he still has to care for his own three children 50% and pay for their upbringing fully? Silly me, he wasn't planning to do that at all...mums are always literally left holding the baby. The good news is you will succeed as a little unit, there's been some great advice already on this thread.

Come back?
Nah. Bollocks.
Too many just seem to get away with this.
My very decent husband is three decades older,
I'm child free.
When the inevitable happens, I won't touch any man with a bargepole, may my own life be short or long.
Full stop.

Having worked with a woman who was married and having an affair with a married man with DC at work, then they absolutely can have affairs at work.

The snake I knew, they worked late (as architects), then one Christmas we had our annual Christmas dinner away from London in Birmingham involving an overnight stay. They both drunkenly wanted to use the room she was sharing with me for their fumblings and a shag and I took pleasure in telling both of them to bugger off, no they could not use the room I was sharing with her, she could go where she liked, or I'd tell the boss what they were up to.

Couldn't use the room he was sharing with a male colleague!

@GingerPirate

Exactly. I eye-rolled at that.

Men just can't help being an apologist for other men, directly contradicting himself in his own comment

He sounds like another selfish git who thinks being a parent is a choice, and knows the little woman will pick up the slack

Overwhelmed, my arse

😡

Mine thought he was going to have a fabulous "single" life with the OW. His face was an absolute picture when l said he'd have them EOW, for dinner twice a week and half of all school holidays.

I can still see his look of horror 7 years later 😅. To his credit though he did do it..... l loved having time to myself again to discover "me" again.

I've felt mentally overwhelmed parenting my two as a lone parent, but you know what, I don't have anyone else to give them to so I can find my freedom.

I'd be very very upset OP, but then I'd be very very clinical. He's basically saying it's pretty much up to you (bar one holiday a year!). So, you'll need the house, you'll need his money input (as well as your own) and you'll need the support of friends and family to care for the children, so he can stuff off with his 'don't tell my parents' crap.

Be very focused on what you need to sustain your family from now on, it sucks that it's down to you, it's unfair, and you know what, it's mentally overwhelming for you, but you will do it, I know you will.

Having worked with a divorce lawyer for 18 months (5 years in total), we didn't actually get many new affair cases come into our office, which seems strange now.

We had plenty of wealthy middle class wives though, come to us and ask for advice on divorce without their husbands knowing.

Echoing what others say, be kind to yourself, get ducks in a row, engage a divorce solicitor. Most of the ones I know (SW London if you need a rec) are lovely, empathetic but will also fight for what you deserve.

Could you maybe stay with your friend with the young baby with your DC? Sometimes people have a habit of stepping up and despite their own situations are happy to help you out.

If it were me, if he suddenly decided he was wrong/wanted to come back, I'd probably be torn both ways too. But I'm not sure I could trust him after what he'd done.

It often strikes me how men who claim to be so overwhelmed or mentally unwell that they can't cope with their responsibilities at home, or act in a decent way still manage to go to work as normal.

Either they are choosing to use what little mental capacity they have to do the right thing by their employer rather than their wife /DC which is a bizarre choice to make. Or they are perfectly fine wrt their MH.

Wow, OP, what an awful shitty thing to do to you. And then to refuse to even talk about it.

What a shit husband and dad he turned out to be. I know it won't feel like it just now, but you're well rid of him.

Also "funny" how women who struggle with their
MH still function and often cry on their own.
Men just run away or "check out".
🤢

Depends though, I know of 2 men in their late 40's who ended their lives in past year or so, both owned their own business, one where he was 'visible' as served the public.

Apparently he was very depressed and had mental health issues, but was the last man on earth I'd have thought would do what he did. Same with the other man.