H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

I also think there's OW and that she's pregnant. She's most likely threatened to tell the OP and this has sent him into flight mode. This creature will never be happy again.

Sorry, didn’t mean to post N! Was just scrolling.

Hope you got the kids off to school okay today and have someone to give you a hug IRL when you get home. No advice, just empathy.

He chose to have three children and now wants freedom? Well, don’t we all.

Absolutely this.

OP, I'm raging on your behalf. Him saying he 'wants more freedom', and that he's 'struggling with family life'. Oh fuck off! The only thing he's struggling with is the tiniest feeling of guilt that keeps flickering into his brain whenever he's shagged the OW and he's had a fleeting thought of you or the kids.

and 'not involve his family'???! He's done that himself by 'moving back' to his parents house, the absolute dick.

As others have said, how bloody DARE he just dump you and the kids like this?! Unless he's had a major mental health trauma he's a thoughtless, spineless, immature, childish, pathetic excuse of an individual.

JFC, the times I felt like walking out of our house and never going back, when our kids were young because I 'wanted freedom' and 'family life was just too much' were infrequent but I had those thoughts but I never acted on them because underneath all that shitty daily grind, I LOVED my DH and my kids more than I hated the shit.

What an absolute waste of space he is as a father; your poor kids.

Bloody hell OP, you poor thing. You’re handling this really well. Agree with many PPs wise advice but just wanted to say I’m so sorry and angry on your behalf. The selfishness! “Oh poor me I’ve had enough of not being free to do wtf I like as a married man with kids, so bye and btw, here are my demands, and no questions allowed”.

Of course this monumentally self-centred attitude and behaviour depends on you being there to carry the can and keep things going for your DC. Loads of women feel overwhelmed, a lot of the time. But men get to say ach, can’t be doing with this and just bugger off. 😡yes there probably is an OW but either way, the selfishness just blows my mind.

He wants more freedom

He should have thought about that before getting married and having children.

Prick.

I have to say my immediate thought was that he's been fired/gross misconduct and there's some debt or something to make the situation worse, however RTFT there seems to be lots of good advice and lived experience from women with experience of their husbands having affairs. His reaction to you also suggests bad behaviour on his part. So sorry OP, hope this thread gives you a good admin list of things to sort out and support at this shitty time

Awful. That was some master gaslighting going on there by the OW.

Are they still together?

What sort of person thinks they can just walk away from their children like that? I can decide how often he has the kids well that's big of him. They're his children too! You're not stupid, he's an irresponsible dickhead

The fact that he chose a letter to tell you and didn’t do it in person after all these years and 3 kids shows what kind of man he is and what he’s capable of. He sounds very cold and able to neatly shut off his feelings for his family which all indicates he’s a prime candidate for having an affair. as pp have said it’s likely he has another women lined up or at least has his eye on one.

OP I haven’t read the full thread but here is some info that will save you money
Lawyers are expensive
https://iamlip.com/help-guides/where-to-save-money/

Also, chumplady website is very helpful

Sorry OP. But I agree with the posters that this sounds like he's having an affair.

It might not seem like they have time for an affair, but honestly they do! I've posted a few times on other threads about my experience; my husband arrived home every night at the same time straight after work so it was just not possible for him to have an affair (or so I thought!). He had actually changed his working hours and went to see the OW before and after work, but it appeared to me that he was work, home, work , home and I never suspected a thing.

Oh my god this is exactly what happened to me

Hay,OP, great advice here, my only advice is, silence is your trump card, his hoping for a reaction from you ' crazy wife ' reaction, to add to his lies, and defecting from his truth, sit back and watch his lies fall apart, his family will know before you, shame on him, talk to your oldest child, only the truth, thay will pick up on your feeling hun, Children only cope with the truth as hard as it is, black and white with Children theses no gray areas, hugs to you

Morning OP. Firstly, sorry this is happening to you.

As others have said;

He is either having an affair and has been given an ultimatum, or
He is having some kind of breakdown

Your day to day life, and his part in it, does not sound one so miserable he had to just leave and be on his own. This just doesn’t happen.

Either way, what you do now is REALLY important. You need to put a ring of steel in place. You need to get all your financial details together, you need to call up the banks etc. and put a stop on any potential withdrawals, cashing in joint assets etc. You need to make sure he cannot clean you out and you have money to support yourself and your DC. Are you on the deeds of the house? Get the passports to a safe place. Get all financials out, and call up the bank to put a stop on any withdrawals.

Go get a notebook, and start keeping a diary on what he has done so you can refer back to it. Keep a screenshot of any communication you have with him. Don’t send him anything that he can hold against you. Don’t send him any angry texts that he can use against you. Keep every correspondence between you.

Don’t arrange for your DC to see him. He is the one who has left, he can organise it. He has walked out, and you are not his PA.

If he has an OW, then you need to protect yourself, your DC, your assets and your mental wellbeing, because he will get nasty. It will be all your fault. You didn’t do this, and you didn’t do that and it is your fault. He is already following a script, he is gaslighting you, after being a coward and is now saying you need to calm down.

So do that. Calm down as in don’t contact him, let him stew in his own juice, let his mum and dad tell him what a disgrace he is leaving his 3DC. Whilst he is gazing at the ceiling in his childhood box room, you be getting on with your ducks in order. If he has an OW time is of the essence here OP. Don’t contact him.

Also talk to the CAB to see if there are any benefits you can start applying for to help you.

Finally, he may be having a breakdown. If it turns out he is, you can support him with it. However, getting your ducks in order is imperative right now.

I think this is what happened in my situation. He had mentionitis about her when she was away from work, saying how hard it was as he hated the other staff.

He also going on more trips; and work conferences, and was off with me

Something was wrong, but I never dreamed he would be seeing someone else. He left and then OW emerged although they have
portrayed it as something that began after he left. Which I think people have believed

There’s someone else OP. Don’t react any further, honesty. Just start getting things in order.

Agree. The only mental breakdown he is experiencing is that he has started thinking with his cock.

Clear the join account - take the kids on a fantastic holiday.

Claim CMS. CLaim UC. Read Gingerbread website. Treat yourself to new hair and make-up

When you do get to speak to him, and don’t write this down to him, I’d be getting in there ahead.

I’d tell him, I think you are having an affair. Your behaviour is following the script of a cheater. Don’t think that in a few months you can suddenly rock up with some woman and say you have just met, it’s new, and it started after we broke up. I’m onto you. I think you are seeing someone at work. Don’t think for one second that you are going to get away with gaslighting me in a few months and telling everyone you have both just innocently met. I’m not that stupid.

I’d also be telling my friends, family and his family the same. He’s lying, he’s met someone else, I bet any money she pops up in 3-6 months all innocent professing it had nothing to do with our breakup.

Make him squirm and he may come clean. Don’t write it down though. Don’t leave a trail.

Amazing advice from @OhWhenWillSummerArrive

the diary part is genius. Things will likely get very overwhelming and he will try gaslighting you about timelines and communication so keep a note of everything. Also please change all your passwords so he can’t access your social media accounts/ banking etc/ this website/ photo storage cloud/ all the things! Take a photograph of his letter to email to his parents. You have to assume he’s going to screw you over so make it so he can’t. If he doesn’t then it’s no harm done.

Any ideas who a potential other woman could be? Has he had mentionitis about anyone? Special project at work? General suspicious vibes from anyone?

Agree, throw the spa in there too

I knew I missed something! Good call @Quirkyme

Pour the moet...charged to his card. You're still legally married...

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@twodowntwotogo a man following his...