H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

Tell him he'll be having the kids 5050. He thinks he can just decide he's not a father becuase he'd rather be single and free. Tough shit. They don't just disappear. You're still responsible for your kids pal.

Great that you told your friend and she is helping you.You said he was angry you told his mother how he had left, and didn't want you to contact them.
This might also be because, you will work out he is lying.Also he want's time to work out his stratergy.
This bit stuck out for me, my ex husband didn't want me to tell anyone, so he could be well ahead of me get his money sorted out, and so nobody would give me a clue to what might be going on.

Yes there was another woman, who he was trying our before he pressed the detonate button.

Good luck get help from kind friends, people will help you , good luck.

There is always someone else

he will swear on his kids lives there is’t etc etc

but men only ever leave to go straight to another woman

maybe she is pregnant so he had to move suddenly

so make sure you have money in an account he cannot touch, have all your (joint) paperwork somewhere safe

he will maybe pretend to be fair and keep paying mortgage at the beginning but soon his new GF will explain to him that she needs the money more than you

get to a solicitor asap (which you are already doing)

I am really sorry this happened to you, you must be reeling.

good luck

Classic work affair signs. And your MiL will have sent that defensive message because she knows he's done it and doesn't want to have to engage with you about it.

@floppybit more than likely so. Wanted them to be begging him to come back as he needed to feel wanted as no one else does. That’s my guess. Either way it’s horrible and sick. It takes someone seriously twisted to want to do that to their childrwn

Didn’t want to read and run so just want to send you all of the strength in the world today OP, I hope your ok, you’ll get through this and will be happy again 🩷

Another handhold here for you @Solost200 💐

Unfortunately, I think also an affair. I've just seen it happen too many times. If it isn't then maybe he is telling the truth and he's an incredibly selfish fucker, but it's rarer than rocking horse shit in these situations that it's not because of someone else.
Even of its an emotional work affair and physically he's not cheated, he'll likely have OW in the wings waiting, I'm so sorry x

@Solost200 Cherchez la femme.

It's almost certainly a woman.

Men don't behave this way unless they have had their head {and sex interest} turned.

It happened to me, too.

A colleague of my husband's {15 years older than him!!}

The last person I ever would have suspected. {They married when our divorce came through....but it didn't last}

I'm very sorry...it hits like a bombshell.

Very good advice. You must not forget the practicalities. And you do need to talk to someone. You are not stupid and his odd evasive behaviour is not your fault. 💐

Sorry OP it will be an affair, it’s very textbook and sadly what many others have been through.

Glad you’ve told a friend you will need some support. None of this is your fault! He will try and rewrite history to make himself feel less guilty. Don’t believe it.

It’s going to be tough… but you will make it out the other side.

Sorry this is happening to you

Even if he has been going to work as normal, does not discount an affair. A man and woman I worked with were having an affair and used to go to the lockable training rooms to be together.

My husband swore blind there was no one else.

My Dad caught him out.

Dad checked husband's milometer in the car- he'd driven 240 miles to '''stay with his parents for Boxing Day''- when they only lived a trip of 20 round trip miles away would have been true.

Even the woman involved said I was ''mentally unwell'' {she was 20 years older than me} for suggesting she was having an affair with my husband.

They actually were shagging.

OP I think it's sad you think your mum will not be supportive. I stayed in a bad marriage because I thought my mum and dad would disapprove of me leaving. They've been married for 50+ years and are traditional. Turns out they were brilliant in the end. Obviously you know her better but you might be surprised.

Also I'd like to point out why he thinks being a single parent gives him more freedom than as one in a marriage? Unless he's expecting you to look after the children the majority of the time? Nah, it's an excuse. He's gonna throw a lot of mud your way. Ignore him. This isn't your fault. He's the one who's checked out.

I think you are remarkably collected given how little time has passed. Good for you!

@Roseyjane Jesus, I and nobody else was blaming the “other woman”. We were saying that if this women or anyone else has asked him to make a choice then that could explain the quick turnaround.

Men don’t leave their family home and wife without someone else lined up. They just don’t. He’ll have another woman waiting in the wings

Sure, but if she also said sorry not getting with a married man, that would also explain it, so the point stands, it is his decision and his responsibility

now no one needs to stay in a marriage they don’t wish to, they can leave for any reason, the issue here is not why, it’s how he did it, which is beyond shitty,

The thing that really winds me up is him accusing you of involving his family. If my husband went missing with only a letter left behind and then ghosted my texts and calls, of course I’d be ringing around, trying to find him. If he’d have dealt with the situation like a proper grownup and not ghosted you, you wouldn’t have had to phone around to find him. Dick. And he was at his parents’ house. Of course they’ll be asking him why he’s not returning home!!! As if he could just move in, and they’d never ask him why he’s not going home…

This.
My exDH had an affair 9 years ago and went to stay with parents suddenly claiming he hasn’t been happy for a while. Post affair discovery he did admit the plan had been to “phase me out(!)” slowly before officially being together with the woman from work.

My own DSis only last year had her partner of 10 years claiming he didn’t love her anymore and was depressed, left her worrying he was having a breakdown etc. only to then conveniently end up all “loved up” with a woman from work trying to claim it didn’t happen until after. They’re pathetic and all follow the same script. They almost never have the courage to just tell the truth.

This all reads as familiar to me except I woke up to a text and not a letter.

Long story short, the woman he'd been having an affair with had issued him with an ultimatum - he tells me about her and leaves our family immediately to be with her or she would come and tell me herself.

I'm sorry OP 😞

^^
''More than likely he'll realise what a terrible mistake he's made within a month or two but please don't think he won't do it again.''
^^
This is likely.
My ex husband years later said having his affair -and subsequent marriage! - to his 'fling' was the worst mistake of his life.
{Ironically we get on ok now- but son is now an adult and was /is still deeply hurt by his Dad's selfish behaviour.

He's on his third marriage now.
🙄

{I never remarried - trust was destroyed as have just seen so many men have affairs- I have a nice female dog and she is my emotional home support!}

these idiotic women... they think by enticing away another woman's husband that they are so 'special'... like they are some femme fatale rather than just another sleaze ball.

All it is is sex..

Once he leaves and lives with them, then she becomes the new ''wife''....annnnd a new vacancy is created for yet another sleazy bit on the side-

Someone new to ''Dip his wick'' into.

It's so predictable.

They think by nailing someone's husband they are some sort of sex goddess... but they are not.

Sounds tough. Sending a hug and lots of strength.

I'm sorry OP what a horrible and shocking thing to happen and for him then to say he won't talk to you until you calm down is a bit out of order. I get why you want to talk and leaving a note is a bit disrespectful.

I would also think there's someone else but then wouldn't he go to her house rather than IL's? Or could be be depressed as others have said.

You deserve better. Dont chase him but do some digging and if you want to keep the DCs at home with you then do. He's got his parents.

Oh Tennis Lady...I'm ashamed to say I actually laughed out loud at the phrase ''phase you out''- yup! That's textbook!

That was JUST like my ex husband.

''I want to sort myself out
One week later
''Tada! new woman! '' {Who he has been boning all along}

N