H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

The reason he hasn't seemed down is likely to be because his side piece wasn't making waves and his life was sweet. Now something has changed. She has given him an ultimatum or is pregnant or something. Push has, very much come to shove and he has made the leap.

You are in a difficult position though and this is deliberate. I too think you should go ahead and divorce him but if he is depressed and you go ahead, this situation is engineered to make you look like the villain of the piece.

Nevertheless, act on his words. How dare he do this to you. In the event he is genuinely depressed, you would have seen this. There is almost certainly an element you have been kept in the dark about and his parents are playing along.

Men very rarely leap unless they have a very soft landing. Women will leave and set up home and live alone before they start new relationships but men do this very rarely.

Get angry. I would be furious that he is taking this soft option and leaving you with all the responsibility.

Why is he living with the in laws for the next weeks if there is another woman?

So sorry to read this. Others have mentioned it but beware that in a couple of months when the affair is much less exciting, he will ask to come back…

I was with my OH for 10yrs before he revealed his true colours and still to this day I don't know who he really is as a person. Some people are never really true to themselves sadly.

You got this x

This is identical to my ex's behaviour.

Disappeared claiming to be ill. Bought a massive bike. Started dressing completely differently and spending a fortune. Started speaking with a Scottish accent when he was Welsh and a few months later he was suddenly in a 'new' relationship when his mate told me he had been shagging her for over a year but she had put the screws on him.

It was messy because she was married and I called her husband to ask WTF. he was adamant there was no affair but pretty soon changed his mind and moved out.

As it was the OW lost interest when she had him 24/7 and he asked to come back. You can guess my answer! He moved in with her and she threw him out a few months later when she realised he was seeing yet another OW behind her back.

I had not the tiniest clue about the OW. Nothing had changed. Nothing and yet he had been seeing her over a year before he disappeared.

Lourdes12 · Today 07:11
Why is he living with the in laws for the next weeks if there is another woman?

Because he will deny that he is seeing anyone, move in with his parents temporarily, give them and everyone else the same story, that somehow it is his wife's fault.
He will 'meet' this wonderful person - we assume female, who he will fall for as she helps him through his sadness at finally leaving a marriage 'that has been dead for years'.
'She' will be there for him as he deals with his mad and unreasonable wife.
Poor, poor, put upon and misunderstood man.
You see, he thinks he is being clever and highly original, when in fact he is following a script that many women on here can see. It's like watching the same programme on repeat over and over again.

Bloody hell OP. I am so sorry. You sound like you are doing wonderfully despite the shock.

How dare he tell you to keep calm. What an utter cunt. Your poor children too, this must be devastating for them.
I would tell them the truth at an age appropriate level.

Keep focused OP, it does sound like an affair tbh. Sort the practical stuff whilst you've got time off work and give yourself chance to cry when the kids are in bed.

MN are behind you, you're not alone. Hugs for you.

They often try to make it look like there is no other woman. If they go straight to the OW then it’s clear what they were doing. Men in affairs go into self protection mode to try and hold onto the idea of being a good man.

It’s really common if the betrayed partner has not found out to lie low with the affair then declare they met two/three months down the line.

Why do you have to be the one to tell the kids?
He's blown up your life, unless you think he'll make up a lot of horrible shit
Don't tell the kids, say the truth.
He hasn't said anything to you.
Them say partial truth he looked sad on Monday and on Tuesday mil and you talked and H decided to stay and help out and wants to see you 3.

Then tell him he has to be the one to tell the kids, part of me thinks he'll back out of seeing them.

He really is a spineless shit. I'm so sorry

If he is going to carry on paying his share of the bills that’s great, it buys you time to sort yourself out financially.
Spend no time worrying about him and whatever it is that has caused him to do this and channel all your energy into working out YOUR future with your children.

Op I'm so sorry. I hope you're ok. What he's done is absolutely disgusting. If he really wanted out , this isn't the way to do it. He's being cruel and vile. Don't justify sending him a long text. Of course you did. This is your husband not some stranger. And of course you called his mum. He was ignoring you.. did he want you to read the letter and then just carry on as normal. Op honestly this behaviour in itself just shows he's done you a favour. He can have all the time he wants to sort himself out.. don't wait for him, I would ser make a plan to move on without this man. Good luck Op. I really hope you're ok .

Mine managed an affair in his lunchtime at work
He was her manager
He decided to be honest and told me he had feelings for someone else .
I packed his stuff for him when he was at work
And like him out
Came home to it on the doorstep
Turns out he only wanted to talk to me about how he was feeling ,he wasn't going to actually do anything
I remember saying,you can't seriously expect to still live here while having feelings for someone else
,silly goose did expect to still live here ..

So he made the joint decision to have a family and now he is saying he wants to check out.
To me it doesn't sound like another woman, it sounds more like a midlife crisis.
I know we are meant to live in a time of equality but what would happen if the roles were reversed?
How come you don't get to demand more time for yourself?
How come you now have 3 kids for 90% of the year?
Emotion aside, he made 3 dependant beings, he can't just check out from that responsibility!
I would take DCs to in-laws and say you need some time to yourself for the weekend!

Oh what a spineless cowardly shit of a person. He’s not a man, he’s a failure. You and your DC deserve so much better OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this

OP you sound like such a good mum, but I think now you need to tell the kids. Because they deserve to know the truth and kids/teens are very smart - they likely have worked it out already, and being kept in the dark could make it worse.

It's also such a huge shock for you and you shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of keeping your husband's stupidity under wraps. You also need to just focus on your wellbeing now. Cut him off emotionally, operate without him, get the finances and legal side under control as much as you can, don't engage other tham the bare minimum, don't feel you have to cover for him. He's made his choices, bizarre as they are. Make sure he sees clearly he's shut that door and it is now SHUT, not optionally open (I expect he thinks you're still an option). Silence speaks volumes. He will struggle hugely with the reality of what he's just done, when the adrenaline of his bizarre actions has worn off.

I'm sorry but men rarely just leave for no reason when they have 3 children.

I think he's met someone perhaps at work.

And he thinks the grass is greener.

I'd ask him outright.

He will probably deny it all.

But I also think that once he understands the reality of divorce, shared child care and the honeymoon phase wears off the new woman, he'll be running back.

Just stick to your guns and if you can detach yourself from your pain and focus on the sorting the finances.

Once he sees you are meaning this, he may well get a shock.

someone else. See a solicitor and ensure you get 50:50 with kids. He doesn’t just get to waltz out.

He's the one avoiding her!

What a dickhead! WTF goes on in mens heads who do this? I can hear how broken you are but please keep being strong

I was blinded 3 months after our baby was born, there was no other woman but he was still a dickhead too, I got through it & you will too x

As much as I'd be tempted to post the letter across social media (self serving cowardly effort). I'd hang onto it for when he starts truing to gaslight you about his "reasons" for not giving a shiny shit about his family, his children, the person he committed to.

Your parents can whinge if they want, but practically you need support so someone irl needs to help you navigate this and to check in on you. If your parents are a lost cause there then maybe your sibling could manage them for you? You don't need to be managing others when the children need you and others to talk to about this.

I wouldn't bother with taking the kids to the il he / they will twist that narrative to being you abandoning them (completely without any sense of irony in my experience). His lack of effort to contact his children speaks volumes here.

Of course, you could challenge him and say that after 11 years and with 3 kids to consider, the first step is couples counselling.

Why not do that and see what his response is?

That's vile, sounds like he was excited by it, probably wanted to hear all about them crying over him, what a twisted weirdo.

@Solost200 I hope you’ve had some sleep, and the children are doing their usual morning stuff. I can’t offer advice (I can’t believe how sure some posters are about a man they’ve never met!) I just hope he keeps them in the loop. Whatever his reasons for leaving, the children should be everyone’s priority ATM, I hope the grandparents can see that too and give you some support.

I‘m so sorry op. You’ve done nothing wrong but his behaviour is appalling. He should have the decency to bloody well explain what’s going on. Not bothering to even speak to the dc is despicable. I’m sure you’re desperate to know what’s caused this but please have a think about just how badly he is treating you and the kids. The reasons are essentially irrelevant, you’ve seen his true colours and could you continue to be with someone who could do this to you out of the blue?

'Bababa2456 · Today 07:41
Of course, you could challenge him and say that after 11 years and with 3 kids to consider, the first step is couples counselling.

Why not do that and see what his response is?'

He has already refused to speak to her, until she 'calms down'.
Of course, she could always put up and shut up until he deigns to speak to her. Then she could attempt to save the marriage...