H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

There will be another woman OP, almost certainly. Likely someone from work who has somehow forced his hand with an ultimatum.

As others have said, practical things now. Separate your finances, see a solicitor ASAP, take photographs of any financial documents relating to his accounts or pensions. Stay strong now and channel anger. Don’t worry about him, he has his parents. Think of you and the DC.

Im just so sorry OP you must be devastated. There will definitely be a clandestine woman where he works behind the scenes. This is classic cheating behaviour.
My own husband of 20 years did this to me. We'd been exeptionally happy then suddenly he said Ive never been happy with you and walked out. It took him 20 years to figure out we'd never been happy,???? Surprise surprise another woman.
It's the old boring script of cheating. Mark my words.

I’d be taking the dc round to mil’s on Friday night, tell them they’re having a little holiday.

No, don't do this. Poor little kids. They're not pawns to be moved around with no care as to their utter bewilderment and upset. I'd guess the people recommending this have no children of their own as they would immediately realise the cruelty of doing this.
,

I also feel like this is likely. I’m so sorry you’re having to navigate this OP

I had an ex who left for work and then drove straight back home to break up with me. I had zero indication. He was out late with a friend the night before and I wonder now if he really was with a friend as he came home after 1am during during a week day.

He came back and we lasted maybe a year before he did the same thing again. He went out all night and didn’t come home. He told me he slept in his car at the front of the house (many years later I don’t believe this to be true as he was very tall and his car was tiny).

Then he broke up with me again. There was someone else. Or at least he was trying to get with one of his colleagues. I discovered all of the evidence of their emails.

I was so blindsided. It came without warning. Just one day he looked at me and I could tell he hated me.

Your husband either has someone already or he has plans to get someone.

I think you should go for 50/50 custody. He wants out of family life. Quite possibly he wants to move on with someone else. You will need this time to heal and to find someone new.

I think you should save the letter to show your children when they are older. I would be dropping the kids at the in-laws over the weekend. He can’t decide to just leave and abandon your children.

Screen shot all msgs from the last 3 months, even the good ones to show how unexpected it was.
Change your passwords and f it, if you now any of his check them and see if they still work.

I'm so sorry, his actions in this one moment are disgusting. And it's a form of abuse.
Also note ur too 'upset' to talk to but not to support 3 humans, your kids after being blindsided by him.

Do not take him back, divorce!

Don't forget you may be entitled to financial support now as a single parent which may help you pay the bills. Sort out a claim asap.

I disagree. I would drop them off. He doesn’t get to just walk out. No doubt he has plans to be with the other woman on the weekend. I wouldn’t let him.

OMG - I got the same “I’m not happy I don’t think I ever loved you”.

It’s the typical script.

I hate these men, spineless creeps who drop a bomb like that and then tell you to behave and calm down. my heart hurts for you and your poor kids!

FWIW I’d go affair too. It’s amazing how much can be conducted within the working day, within the hour if 9-5, found that out to my detriment. Affairs are rarely dating and often not hotels and presents they’re seedy snatches at work, in cars, on dog walks and lots of ego validating conversations and weeping that they just ‘have to be together’ and would if it wasn’t for the nasty spouses etc etc. Then there’s burner phones and secret apps.

But for now, you need to be 100% on it and ahead of him. Lawyer up. Know your rights. Don’t let him weedle out of conversations around how this moves forward. Protect your interests.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it is absolutely traumatic, don’t underestimate that and make sure you do a lot of self care.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This happened to me last year, partner of 13 years and 2 kids together left me in the middle of the night with a text saying it was over. 2 weeks later he was living with the woman he’d been having an affair with.

As hard as it will be in the beginning, you will get through this. I was a mess to begin with but now I’m much happier without him.

So sorry you are going through this and I’m afraid I agree that it has all the hallmarks of OW 😔😔

His choices are his choices, but has has handled this like a total coward and can’t even talk to you face to face or call, he’s just run. What a total selfish pig. Ask him to do the decent thing and call the kids- but I expect he will leave it to you to tell them

It shouldn’t be legal to do this. If a mother abandoned her children and they were not looked after she’d be arrested. But the father can just vanish safe in the knowledge the woman will of course keep the home fires burning and do right by the family they agreed to create together. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

This and comments like it are subtly absolving him of responsibility and blaming another woman.

it is his responsibility, and everyone of us knows, no woman is likely to be egging him on, but hugely likely he is having an affair, possibly emotional, and the woman has said nothing can happen as he is married.

men can lie, no one knows the truth of this situation, but it’s hugely likely if there is another woman, he’s been telling her the marriage is already over.

any other woman isn’t to blame. He is.

For those saying to give him the benefit of the doubt and "he might be ill" - I don't see how you can explain his reaction to the OP contacting him. His reply telling her to "calm down" and his anger at her contacting his mum are the clear signs to me that this is not an illness or a breakdown.

OP - this does sound so much like the typical script. And if it is, the key thing to remember is that, whatever he says, he DID love you and what you had together WAS real.

A key thing these men say is that they didn't love you, it was all a mistake, they were trapped etc and that is their guilt talking.

It took me a long time to realise that. I remember feeling devastated that my whole marriage had been a lie but it hadn't.

Plenty of women abandon their children, your post is distasteful. My mother walked out on us, my father raised us. It happens a lot. Lots of women put their kids up for adoption, raising strangers to raise them. Women abandon their kids, as do men.

Hope you are ok. What a cowardly way for him to behave. Not just to you but your children too.

He's said he will pay the bills. This won't be long term. You need to look at your finances, what maintenance you are entitled to and whether you can get UC, child benefit and help with child care. As he's left you can start putting those things in motion now even if he is paying into joint account.

When you understand your finances, consider what will happen with the house, can you afford to keep it? Buy smaller? Or rent?

I wouldn't offer for him to have kids unless either you want a break or kids really want to see him. He needs to discuss a custody arrangement with you. A steady routine will be more consistent for kids in long run. Think about what you want this to look like so you are prepared. Not just week to week but holidays, Xmas etc too.

Put everything in writing, even if you have a chat. Follow it up with an email.

Bless you OP that’s so awful for you and your DC. As many on here have said there is probably someone else involved. It’s incredibly rare for a man to leave a comfortable home and family to be by himself. His actions and words about not knowing what he wants are all text book to get you to back off as he is ashamed of his behaviour and doesn’t want people asking questions.
He’’ll bring his other woman out soon and say they’ve just met, again to save face.
So, so sorry you’re going through this horrendous nightmare.

I had this with ex hubby. He swore there was no-one else but months later the truth came out. I wish he'd just been honest from the beginning. It was someone he'd met through work. It feels terrible right now but I promise it gets better.

Father's Day - quite possibly been the tipping point.
But yes he will regret this, but you will grow stronger and be happier long term.

Wow what a spineless piece of work he is. Not speaking to the lids, walking out and leaving it all up to you to speak to the kids and not giving you any explanation. Not talking to you is one thing but how can he not talk to them?

So sorry this is happening to you.
i would call affair too. I think something has triggered this. Has she left her marriage and now insists he does too. Have they been caught and he wanted to get out before shit hits the fan. Seems strange he was making long term plans with you, and then this.
I wish you well. You sound together, even at this stage, and will be better off without him long term.

I've never seen such a despicably cowardly way of leaving.

Others have given good practical advice, the only advice i have is that what he's done is exceptionally dismissive and cold so I'd be using that as a guide on how to speak to the pr*ck from now on

It's the script.

Lawyer and grey rock (this is the hardest, but most important bit). You still think he'll be reasonable, that this is temporary madness, but it's not. Listen to his voice and hear the coldness and distain in it. You have to completely detach and only think of what you and the kids need. Don't put him first anymore. You need to be as cold and analytical towards him as he was to you.

And if you can, don't let it get heated. There's no point, he's done what he's done. Just keep it to short answers, brief questions (ideally over email so you have a record)