H has suddenly decided he's leaving me

[Solost200]

H and I have been together for over 11 years, married for 8 and we have 3 DCs together.

We were happy, and I honestly can't see any reason for this to have happened. In half term, we booked a once-in-a-lifetime holiday for the family for this time next year. On Sunday, we had a lovely Father's Day, and he seemed happy.
On Monday, he was a bit quiet when he came home from work, but he said it was just a busy day and nothing major. He was just not as jokey as usual, but it didn't seem like anything huge.

Yesterday, he left for work as normal, said goodbye, and I love you to me and the DCS. I took the kids to school and went to a work meeting. I got back home at lunchtime to a letter on the kitchen table saying that he was leaving me.

He's not been happy for a while, struggling with family life. He wants more freedom, and he's sorry, but he can't be with me anymore. He will carry on paying his share of the bills, and he wants the DCs for his annual family holiday in the Summer, but I can decide how often he has the kids apart from that.

No mention of what happens next or if he's coming to see the DCs at all. So I tried calling and texting him all afternoon, and he wouldn't reply, and I was starting to get really worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and was going to do something stupid.

So after around 5 hours I called his mum and she told me that he has just arrived at ILS house from work. He won't tell her whats happened just that he is staying with them for a while while he sorts himself out. I explain what had happened and she says she will talk to him. An hour later he sends me a text saying that I shouldn't involve his family in "our" business.

Admittedly I saw red at that point and sent him a long text pointing out that I was worried about him, that we need to talk, that he can't just leave me a letter and expect me to just quietly accept this when we haven't talked about anything and he hadn't told me how he was feeling. That I need to know whats happening and we need to talk. If he really needs a break, then we need to talk to the DCs about what's happening together.

He replied saying that he wasn't going to talk to me until I calm down. That I can tell the DCs whatever I like and that he will be ignoring my messages now until I calm down.

I replied telling him he needs to communicate with me like a grown up. Which he didn't reply to.

Today, I've been racking my brains, going over every detail of the last few weeks, trying to spot any sign that this was coming. But I just can't work it out, we've had no major arguments. We've been planning for the future he showed no sign that he was struggling with our lives. I just don't know how this happened. How did I miss that he was struggling so much and that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about any of this?

And how exactly do you know that that is so, you know the guy personally do you?
I have RTFT and I am entitled have an opinion just like you.

It’s sad that he has such little care for your feelings and the feelings of your DC, @Solost200

he wants to bow out of family life but take the kids on holiday each summer? What planet is he on to think your DCs won’t be hurt by that? And so cowardly of him to leave it up to you to tell the kids what has happened.

I’m so sorry, OP.

It's not a question of mental health. She said she has noticed no signs of anything off. Do you know of any mental health disorders that are completely undetectable?
For all you know your brother was having an affair as well. When you have kids, you can't just suddenly piss off with no warning because you're feeling "overwhelmed" and stick your partner with all the labour. That's an asshole move. We all feel overwhelmed at times, but responsible people stick it out. This does not apply to genuine illness, which feeling overwhelmed is not. Even if you do have an illness, you don't just run away and refuse to talk about it. That's a matter of character.

Why are you telling her to ignore solid advice? Aren't you even more of a crystal ball gazer for pronouncing him mentally ill in the face of zero evidence of that?

Read her post again. She said he won't talk to her about it.
So the "sit down and chat" advice is ludicrous.

OP this made me feel sick for you. The shock and confusion of it all is utterly awful. Please be gentle with yourself - make a list and slowly work through it. Get whatever support you can and lean into it.

I know you won’t be at this stage yet, but I’m raging fire for you. How fucking dare he just leave because he wants more freedom. Don’t we all want more freedom? He has children and responsibility - it is the most selfish, disrespectful, mind blowingly arrogant thing he could possibly have done to his family. And to leave you with it all to deal with. I promise you will get through this. I promise you will be happy again. But please, when you have moments of doubt through the next few months (doubt that you did enough, or that you deserve more), read this again and remember what he has done and what he is. This is entirely, 100% on him. Love to you.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

The way he can just up and leave as if you're the problem and give literally no consideration to the THREE children, which are as much his as yours, makes me so angry. He just assumes all will be looked after and he can just see them whenever works for you. What a saint. What if you need time to yourself?! I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, it must be devastating. It does sound like an affair but who knows why people do these awful things.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There has been some excellent advice given by PP, i really hope you find this thread helpful.

Don't blame yourself this is awful behaviour on his part.. sounds like he may have someone else

Get your ducks in a row, financial stuff, pensions, mortgage, bank accounts, see a solicitor & start divorce proceedings. Keep things like yours & dc birth certificates, passports, your driving licence etc on you at all times, even get an extra lock on the doors so he can't waltz in & take anything, leave the original locks so you can't be accused of changing them. My bet is on someone at work.

Register a claim with CMS as well.

How is she supposed to talk to him when he's refusing to talk to her?

Wow! What an absolute piece of shit your coward of a husband is. To leave you like that - with a letter!? And to treat his own children like that?

Fucking hell. You are well out of it. He is a cheating lying scumbag. You all deserve much much better.

Check your credit reference to make sure he hasn't taken out loans or credit cards in joint names.

Nah, he's laying the ground work for "My wife won't let me see the kids. I miss them so much". Hence the martyred sounding "you can decide how often/when I see the kids apart from my holiday" combined with being completely uncontactable for any discussion regarding the kids. It means she has to chase after him to arrange for him to spend time with his children and if she doesn't it will be spun further down the years into "their mother was very tricky about contact". And if she does chase it looks like she is still chasing him. Power games.

Oh op I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've spoken to your friend. I'm afraid I agree with everyone else and I'd lay money on there being another woman behind this. His nasty callous behaviour is a shield for the guilt I imagine.

When my children were little and I was snowed in with work/family/life stresses I used to fantasise about just getting on a train instead of going to work and just escaping everything. Just saying "fuck it" to all my responsibilities. I think that's a very natural aspect of being an adult. Of course I didn't actually do that because that would be unbelievably selfish and irresponsible (and also I would miss my children too much to contemplate it). Wanting freedom from responsibility but understanding that you can't have that freedom is part of being a fully functioning adult. Its a test and he failed and likely in ten/twenty years time he will be bemoaning the results of that failure. But that's not your problem or your fault.

Men rarely ever leave unless OW lined up. They are spineless cowards who not only can’t cope on their own but don’t have the basic human decency to come clean and discuss with you.

OP I’m so very sorry for you and dc. You WILL get through this together and be ok xxxxx

my own brother did a very similar thing, he just felt mentally overwhelmed.

So your brother told his wife it was over and she could explain the awful fall-out to their children (plus mind them) on her own - and without any discussion. No using his words. And that's ok because he felt "mentally overwhelmed"

Exactly. She needs to document everything he does. She should definitely not chase him about the kids, but tell him it's up to him to take the initiative. He likely won't do fuck all to see his kids, and if that goes on long enough she can claim abandonment and have his parental rights revoked. If she keeps copies of their texts she can prove he was told it was up to him but he did nothing about it, leading her to assume he was abandoning the kids.

Telling you to calm down is the most misogynistic, patronizing, fucking infuriating thing to say to you. Why does he get to choose your reactions to his behaviour. He wants out of your family? I say get proactive and get stuff signed re pensions, child support, alimony, the whole lot while he’s feeling guilty. Screw him for every single penny. Show him how to calm down when he’s out gallivanting and suddenly realised how fucking stupid he is.

No one leaves for no reason. There must be something else that happened, such as an affair or losing a job.

There’s another woman.
I have no doubt about that

I'm so so sorry for you. His behaviour is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Whatever the reason is, it's unacceptable. It's just self centred and immature.

The script is always the same in these situations - rewriting history "I haven't been happy for ages."

And the "I'm not going to talk to you until you calm down" = deflection, blame, making out you're the bad person for being angry because I've drop this bomb on our relationship. Because you should just shrug and accept my decision without question ....?

How could you be calm in this situation? I think you’re holding things together incredibly well. How dare he!