Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Yeah because I had so much doubt in my head I was expected to be met with people seeing his point of view, telling me what I was doing for him was a normal relationship.

what started as a cheating post turned into something different entirely

@Lostandconfus3d

I'm glad you are valuing yourself enough to end things. Remember the world is full of new friends you haven't met yet who will value you and love you. And you will find them now that you're free. And you should also contact those friends you have lost due to his treatment of you. I'll bet they've been hoping for your call. Sure, you'll have to hear "I told you so" a few (or many) times, but won't it be worth it to have them back in your life? What have you got to lose?

So, he's due home tomorrow? If I were you I'd choose the time that he was in mid-flight and text him this "I have thought long and hard about our 'relationship' whilst you have been gone. It no longer works for me and so I am ending it, effective immediately. I have taken all my things from your home so there is no need to see or speak to each other, ever again. As soon as I have hit 'send' on this message I will be blocking you and any of your friends and family on all platforms. Do not contact me, do not ask others to contact me. If you do it will be considered harassment and I will be reporting you to the police". Let him read that when he gets off the plane. And sending it mid-flight means that he can't come hot-footing it to your house right after it's been sent. It gives you breathing space.

Sound harsh? Yep. But you need to amputate this man from your life and harsh is the only way to do it.

Yay another person cheering for you! And if you're looking for distraction, this was another post of someone having the scales fall from their eyes... Started off asking about how to cope with silent treatment, then the wonderful folk of Mumsnet step in and say what?! It's hard to watch and I'm not sure she was totally convinced, but you found your roar and I so hope you hold firm and reconnect with some old friends!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4998973-coping-with-silent-treatment?page=1

That’s fantastic that you can see that his treatment of you was in no way loving, it was abusive. This must be very overwhelming to suddenly have the veil lifted from your eyes so you can see him for who he is so please do look into getting some counselling, it sounds like you’re in the right place emotionally to be receptive to addressing what has happened.

You know what love is, your parents no doubt loved you. Hopefully they wouldn’t have treated you as he has done (don’t like to presume as I know not everyone has/had the best relationship with parents).

Showing kindness, respect, generosity, appreciation, support, interest, concern, these are all demonstrations of love. He has shown you none of this.

I asked him once to help me build a bed with me and it lay in its box for 4 months until I ended up doing it myself.

Another thing to add to your list!

Remember words are easy, they cost nothing and take no effort, they are passive which is why they are so easy for him to say. Love is demonstrative, it is an action, not just a feeling, and requires input and he has never given anything.

Unfortunately this lady still hasn’t faced up to the fact she needs to leave and it’s been over 5 months since her first post. Admittedly her partner doesn’t sound quite as awful as yours @Lostandconfus3d but you were clearly ready for this to end as you have been willing to see the truth so quickly. Hopefully she will get to your level of bravery soon!

I'm so happy you're feeling validated and seeing him for who he really is.

I reached out to a friend. I’m just off the phone to her, we spoke for hours. So much has changed in her life, she is married and has twin babies since she walked away from our friendship. She is over the moon I have seen sense and was very vocal exactly how she feels about him.

I laughed and I cried over how much I had missed out on in her life. I’m wide awake and it’s the middle of the night. My leave from work has came in handy this week, I feel I’ll be tired tomorrow

This is all fantastic news. I bet your friend was so relieved to know you are away from this abusive a’hole!

You don't really have a relationship any more.
Pretending you do will only hurt, sooner you get out and cut all ties, the better.
I've sort of been there - she would lie, I would want to believe her, I'd find out and the hurt would start again.
He doesn't care.

OP I am so sorry you have experienced this. Please don't look at years of your life wasted either because then he's just stealing the current ones and he really doesn't deserve them. But YOU do!

This is very hard and very brave so please do not think of yourself as stupid. My DH spent 40 years with a narcissist and all his 'family' are her flying monkeys, they actually do not know him at all. They all just think of him as the bad dog under the table.

Reaching out on here and to friends that you've been essentially cut off from due to him, will help heal you. Try not to look at it as scary...but exciting. Exciting for you and for all the things you can do now you are free of him.

He is a controlling abusive lying bastard. He is using your clearly empathetic nature against you. They make me so so cross! How dare he. Who does he think he is?

You are brave you are strong and you are worth so much more than this. You can do it.

I’m so happy to read this!

Thinking of you! we may be strangers on the internet but remember you are not alone

See, I told you they'd be overjoyed! I'm so glad you reconnected.

You may be tired tomorrow, but it'll be that 'good tired' that comes from being happy about something.

I'm not pushing, but have you messaged him that it's over? Frankly, I think in this situation 'ghosting' would be acceptable, too. Only there's a possibility that might send him to your door.

I haven’t sent him a message yet. I don’t know what to say. He is not due home for another ten hours, this is something I need to deal with today.

any help would be appreciated

I personally don't think he deserves a message. He'll soon find out you've left when he gets back. If you really feel unable to end without a message I would keep it very brief, factual, to the point.
You don't want to give him any room to respond or coerce/manipulate you

Something along the lines of,
After much consideration I've decided the best thing for me is to end this relationship and live in my own home.
I have removed all of my belongings from yours. Please do not contact me in any way again.

"I've taken my stuff back home. We are finished. Do not contact me."

You can always add something like "Wishing you and the children well" if you must, but it isn't necessary. Do NOT put any guff in there about ten good years (they weren't!), how you once loved him or he could be a better man. You're taking back your self, your life and your future. Keep it simple

Then order yourself a load of food YOU like (especially if he doesn't), plan some entertainment of YOUR choice, and phone another friend!

Hard to know exactly what to say to him. By your posts it sounds like hes due back midnight ish? I wouldn't do anything tonight as you don't want any hassle at that time of night.

As for tomorrow, on the one hand the freeze out saves any further discussion, which you don't owe him at all, but on the other hand it may help you with closure to let him know you've come to your senses and why you are done with him. Take the relationship full circle if you see what I mean.

Keeping the message short and without emotional depth is the best way to go. I like the examples from @Garlicker and @RomanRoysSearchHistory above. It might be hard to do it that way but future you might well look back in awe at your restraint and grace, and how remarkably effortless it would look. You don't get any payoff now but you'll get it later. Send the brief, clear message, block and get a bottle of fizz.

Maybe just message ‘the time we’ve just had apart made me realise this isn’t the life I want and our relationship is over. Please don’t contact me as my decision is final’

I have never been so invested in a strangers tory - or so happy to see a woman shedding herself from a vile, abusive, piece of shit bloke.

Well done lovely - you are an inspiration!

Why bother with a message? Your stuff has gone, its pretty obvious your not returning.

He has shown you no respect for over 10 years - you owe him absolutely nothing.

Just walk away, he's never been to your home so its not likely he will turn up.

Silence is your best weapon here.

I think this does the business. It is truthful and direct. Perhaps include a line that you have removed your belongings. Congratulations on taking this step. From everything you have said it is by far the best decision for you. Take good care of yourself.

Remember we are all here to listen to you and offer encouragement.

So message anytime as some brilliant responses from MNs on here - and re-read what MNs have written above to keep you strong.

Your story is one of the saddest I have read on Mumsnet - honestly Modern Day Slavery with how he has treated you as a free employee with absolutely no respect and not giving one shit about you. Just shocking.

You are stronger than you think and this is the start of a new life for you - where you are Number 1!!

I would suggest you also get counselling to help you get over this experience and also for a counsellor to help you understand and set boundaries for future relationships so that no nasty asshole can ever take advantage of you again.

You've got this OP 💯 👍 💪 🙌 👏 ❤️

I've been through something similar OP, I did everything for this man, I helped him with his work, I did everything at home and sacrificed myself in so many ways for him and in the end I ended up with nothing, we were together 10 years, never married and we had no children, he kept the flat, 'our' friends (his work colleagues and their partners) wouldn't have anything to do with me and I felt like I had nothing.

A couple of years later, everything has changed and honestly my life has never been better. I've got a new boyfriend who has treated me better than I've ever been treated before.

I had a tough life growing up and before meeting my boyfriend I had therapy to try and help me sort my life and understand why I accepted being treated like I was. I didn't deserve it and you don't too.

He really doesn't deserve you OP, you deserve to be with someone who loves you and treats you properly and he isn't that person.

Thank you so much for all the kind messages. Honestly I wouldn’t have got this far without u’s. I just didn’t see what was wrong, I went from worrying he was seeing someone else to the full relationship being dissected and hard facts laid out in front of me. I appreciate every last one of u

I agree with others @Lostandconfus3d a short message confirming it’s over, you will not be coming back, ask for absolutely contact from him or his family going forward. Leave out any emotions, keep it short and to the point, you don’t want to give him any cause to doubt you or use your words to manipulate you in the future. You also don’t owe him any explanation or consideration.

You could say nothing but I wonder if that might be more problematic as he could reach out unexpectedly and throw you off balance. Just blocking and ghosting does run the risk of him calling round to check on you, although not sure how likely that is given what you’ve said. At least by you messaging you keep control and then can block him.

Then plan something just for you this weekend - doesn’t have to be anything big but something you wouldn’t normally do because of him or because he wouldn’t like it. You are free and it’s time to start living life for you!