Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

@Lostandconfus3d

This is what I suggested earlier:

"I have thought long and hard about our relationship whilst you have been gone. It no longer works for me and so I am ending it, effective immediately. I have taken all my things from your home so there is no need to see or speak to each other, ever again. As soon as I have hit 'send' on this message I will be blocking you and any of your friends and family on all platforms. Do not contact me, do not ask others to contact me. If you do it will be considered harassment and I will be reporting you to the police".

You can drop the part about the police if you want, that's just to give a little 'oomph' to keep him from contacting you or showing up at your house or work. But I do think he needs to be blocked and I definitely think you need to 'put it in words' that he isn't to contact you. Yes, it's a harsh message but I think the only way you're going to get through to him is with harshness. 'Softly, softly' isn't going to cut it with him. If you give him any inkling of weakness or a willingness to speak to him you will be giving him that inch that he's going to turn into 100 miles.

Remember 'JADE'; never Justify, Apologize/Argue, Defend, or Explain. You don't have to tell him why you're ending it. Done is done, period. And if you think he won't know why you've ended it, you're dead wrong. He knows.

Men like him need a 'victim'. Someone to bully, dominate, and to 'do their bidding'. Be clear and harsh with him so he doesn't try to 'entice' you back. Victims are hard to find and 'train' so men like that try hard to draw you back in. But if you lay down the law and then block him today then, trust me, he'll be searching out his next victim tomorrow.

Oh and BTW, if there's any way you can go visit your 'reconnected friend' for a few days, or even overnight, that might be a good thing. Stay in a hotel or Airbnb if you have to, but I think a change of scenery would be a good thing for you.

And remember, if you have any other friends who faded away, contact them too.

What a nasty selfish excuse for a man. You are worth so much more

We're all rooting for you OP.

Thinking of you OP. Not sure if you're feeling relaxed or anxious, but you're not on your own.

I know this is probably unbelievably hard but I really hope you are holding strong and enjoying reconnecting with other old friends, remembering who you are and that you're worth love

Hope you’re ok @Lostandconfus3d we are all rooting for you and the life you can lead once you shake off this piece of rubbish!

I’ve had a nice night. I went a walk and got a Chinese (first I’ve ate all week) and had a lovely bath. Now tucked up in bed with a cup of tea and chocolate.

sent him a short message telling him that I had time to think whilst he was away and our relationship just wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I told him that I had outgrown it and it wasn’t working for me anymore. I let him know I had removed my stuff from his house and left his key and that he respect my wishes and not contact me again as there was nothing left to discuss.

I’m anxious of what’s to come next but I kno I have done the right thing for me

Well done, op. I hope he can respect your very simple request.

Ah that's great. Congratulations OP. Big hugs.

it just dawned on me he’s “lost” his phone so I’ve just emailed him the same thing so he can’t claim not to have got the message

Good thinking! I was wondering about that. Glad to hear you’ve had a relaxing evening, may your peace continue and grow. You definitely need to make sure you show yourself a lot of tlc over the next few weeks and months while you continue to move forward and get more clarity on your feelings.

I spoke to his daughter today she asked if I could have the kids for 2 nites at the beginning of July. I told her I wouldn’t be available she could ask her dad though.

that will not happen. He won’t do it on his own, I feel bad but she has her dad, she has her mum and her partners parents. I am not their family.

he will need to explain to her the situation. It’s not my place.

It really does sound like the whole family have got used to using you much as he has. Her kids have four grandparents around but you, the non-live-in girlfriend of their lazy grandad, is expected to step up to do the child care?!? I know you have great affection for the children but it doesn’t sound like the other adults have treated you all that well.

There's a chance his daughters/grandkids may still want some contact with you despite you calling it off with their dad/grandad, so be prepared for that.

@Pinkbits that’s something I’ll think about further down the line if it arises. I don’t think this would be right for me so I don’t see it happening. I know it’s not the kids fault and I don’t want to be a terrible person, I just don’t want him to see it as an in

Don’t feel bad—you’re not the wife/stepmum. They’ve all been taking advantage of your generosity!

Well done for the progress you have made. Are you able to feel a little excited for the new adventures you will have now you're free?

As you were so involved with his family I wonder if it might be smart to get a new phone number? They all exploited you so will likely try to guilt you into returning to him. It's hard to play whack-a-mole blocking numbers all the time.

Only as long as it’s a genuine give and take relationship, and not a free babysitting service! I recommend taking the babysitting completely off of the table if you do pursue a relationship with the kids…it must be genuine on their part.

“Exploited” is exactly the word…

Well done! You are made of strong stuff. 💪

So proud of you op. We’re all rooting for you.

As sad as it is, I don’t think it will help you move on staying in contact with the family and he will definitely use it to try to wheedle his way back. Clean break. There are lovely people out there! You’ll be able to rebuild the you now you’re not managing his entire family.

I think your message to him was very calm and mature. You have taken back control of your life. It is bound to feel empty at first because you have been doing so much for him but now you can concentrate on yourself. Take care.

Well done OP, amazing, inspirational how you have taken action so soon after seeing the situation for what it is.

there will be hard times in these next few months, concentrate on rest and nourishment to heal and grieve

Well done OP,
hope you will spend the weekend doing things you enjoy and not being of service to others.
Sending virtual hugs.

@Lostandconfus3d WOW, you really are smashing this out the park.

I know that there will be moments when you wobble but please read your posts through here and remind yourself what an abusive arse this man really is!

Time to see if you can contact more of the old friends maybe?