Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

This is abusive! Run then get therapy and work on you!

You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Good luck

He's cheating on you. He is either a narcissist or has narc tendencies. You are at the discard stages, meaning a dump is anytime. Look it up for yourself. Don't be his victim, he enjoys watching you in misery by gaslighting you into thinking it's in your head that your crazy so he can justify his actions. The fact you sit and self doubt yourself when the answer is in your face is what he wants..

Look up my question, I've been dealing with an ex narc for years and it's damaged me. I should know better, I have symptoms of pstd because of it and still I go back and let him use me. Don't be like me, you are young enough to enjoy your life with someone that cares about you

I have emptied my things from his house. I haven’t sent any message or left any letter. I have remained NC with him. Got a video from his friend tonite of him pissed drunk sleeping at a bar this evening which has cemented in my head I’ve made the right decision. He is due home tomoro, I am apprehensive but I will be ok

Well done OP, stay strong 💪🏻

Fabulous stuff.

This will get harder when he is back and starts to try reeling you in. I suggest you start to bolster your resolve now. Write a list just like someone above suggested. It will help you to hold firm.

Carry on posting here and be honest if you feel like contacting him. We can help you through it.

Remember, above all: you are worth soooo much more than this. He's not fit to lick your boots.

@Lostandconfus3d

This is quite literally the first day of the rest of your life. He will have created a trauma bond with you, and the path of least resistance is for you to head straight back to him. It is now you must really find your strength.

He's lost his maid, his pa, his housekeeper, his family's childcare, gardener.... And he's going to be pissed off. Understand that the charm offensive he's now going to subject you too, is not because he wants you, but because it's an inconvenience to waste his big important man time on what you would run round doing for him.

You truly sound like a gem. And the man you are now free to find, will make you wonder why you endured this piece of shit for so long.

Wishing you all the very best. You truly deserve it xx

I agree it think it’s going to get harder before i get through the worst of it. I will keep posting I wouldn’t have gotten this far without the support of u all

Yes he's cheating. Really sorry OP.

Good work! Only you know if he'll go absolutely apeshit or switch to Mr Nicey Nice when he discovers. Either way he's probably going to be in a state of shock to put it mildly and wonder where your new found confidence has come from!

You are a diamond and you have so much happiness in front of you with no one to drag you down. Block his friend, you don't need to keep the connection, you are free now 😘

I am looking forward to you posting on this thread in a year's time about how much happier and healthier you are now and how you can't imagine why you put up with him for so long.

Sounds a bit woo, but imagine your future self and stay strong for her. She will thank you for standing up now and giving her that better life.

I’ve honestly been checking all day hoping you’d post this update.

well done you ✊🏻
You sound like a lovely person and I really hope you can stick to your resolve to be free of this total dick splash

That would have been a perfect opportunity to tell him it was over - getting his friend to pass on the message.

Absolutely this. You are doing so well @Lostandconfus3d. Once he realises you’ve gone he could react in a number of ways, potentially multiple ways over time, and you need to prepare yourself for whichever way he goes.

Silence - if he takes the hint and doesn’t reach out this will make things easier but has the potential to be quite unnerving to you. If he does do this please don’t be tempted to reach out ‘just to check’.

Anger - I would suggest blocking him on all methods of communication so that you don’t have to hear his insults and rage. You may want to send a message, perhaps via his friend or daughter, just to confirm you have broken up with him, without that he might turn up at your home to check on you. Does he have a key to your house?

Remorse - don’t listen to anything he says about how he can change, that he’s sorry, that you mean everything to him. Remember that he’s had 10years to treat you right and has progressively gotten worse in his treatment of you.

Guilt - do not let him get to you if he throws his parents and grandchildren in your face, that you’re letting them down/they love you etc This is obviously very hard to hear but it is just manipulation. His family must be aware to a certain degree of how badly he treats you and they haven’t intervened. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of these relationships but don’t let that sadness be a catalyst for sending you back to him.

Obviously you know him the best and hopefully are now fully aware of the tactics he uses to get under your skin. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. You can do this!

I know we’re all random strangers but we are so proud of you 👏

Its not easy to walk away even when you know it’s the right thing to do.

You will wobble and have doubts but stay strong and come in here and vent whenever you need to. You’ve got a whole host of friends you’ll never meet but who have your back

Remember you are worth so much more. Being single is so much better than being with a twat ❤️

This is the textbook mindset that a lot of abused partners end up with unfortunately. The abuser grinds down their self esteem and and isolates them from friends and family, all the while making the relationship indispensable to the victim, and making them feel trapped without them even realising what has happened.

Last time I left him (ended up separated for over a year) I had silence, indifference then remorse. God knows what version I’ll get this time.

he doesn’t have a key to my house, I have been in my current home 4 years and he’s never set foot in my house. Not once not even for a minute. Just realised how weird that is!

That is weird but helps highlight just how one sided your relationship has been that he’s never once bothered come to see you in your own home in 4 years.

Do you know what it was that made you go back last time? If you can focus on steeling yourself against whatever it was you have a much better chance of making it permanent this time.

Wow, good on you for listening to your gut and waking up.

you've been in grief, your whole world shattered - he's taken advantage of that and built a new world for you in, you've been asleep because of grief and now you're awake.

he will use words to try and bring you back but you know his words are empty

actions over words, it doesn't sound like he's done any action of love for you

forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, distraction is your friend for the next while, please get some counselling.

dont attempt to explain to him or his family - they know why, they have eyes, and they'll only try to use your explanation to confuse you.

pick a few lines and repeat

The remorse and false promises. the “I realise what I lost when you were gone and will do everything in my power never to lose you again” BS.

the way he treated me before was no where near as bad as it’s gotten now. This wouldn’t work on me a second time round

@Lostandconfus3d unfortunately he probably treated you worse the second time because you came back even though it wasn’t great the first time and thought you would just put up with it.

Keep writing your list of things he has done, every little dig, unreasonable expectation, demand and name calling and read it any time you feel yourself wavering. You’ve given him more than enough opportunity to change and show you that he values you as a partner but he he’s thrown it all back in your face, don’t let him do it again.

I have worked out from speaking to you all.
he doesn’t respect me not even a little, he doesn’t appreciate me, he tells me he loves me every day but he certainly does not, he doesn’t even like me. He treats me like he can barely tolerate me. He has never shown any appreciation for everything I do for him even that was treated like he was doing me a favour.

it’s absolutely wild I was worrying about him cheating on me!! I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM HAVING SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME! If I didn’t laugh I would cry. I was absolutely blind. If he is cheating on me then marvellous she can have him.

Yeah there aint no way he's ever going to find anyone better than you and that is a fact! I just read the bit about how he'd never been to your home and you've been there 4 years. Hopefully you will continue to see how this whole dynamic was far from normal or more importantly, fair.

I asked him so many times to come to my home but he just never did. It was always me going to him. Staying with him. Making his house a home. I asked him once to help me build a bed with me and it lay in its box for 4 months until I ended up doing it myself. He just point blank refused to come. Even if we were going out and I had to run to mines get ready, he would sit outside in the car for as long as I took

Very very very strange guy is about all I can say to that, I guess there's no point trying to figure out his behaviours any more, not worth the effort.

It's weird, I was thinking on practically every other thread on here you tend to get people offering different viewpoints, 2 sides to the story etc, sometimes only very slight but different responses all the same. However your posts have been met with the same amount of incredulity throughout and the more you've added, the more everyone is on your side. Be strong and check in here as much as you need as things progress. Best of luck.