Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Yeah he’s there I could hear him in the back. He’s just a dick

he didn't even have decency to talk to you, because you have gone no contact. this 'loosing phone' is a manipulation to reel you in helping him again
do not fall for it. he's and adult let him sort his own shit out.

I hope you find every happiness with where your new life takes you.

You are such a kind hearted person, you can see the lengths you have bent over for him and his whole family.

Imagine how it will feel to be in your own family who do that for you.

Please get therapy to figure out why you are willing to be so terribly exploited in this relationship. You say you don't want to pack your things at his house because it would be final. That makes no sense. Your life is shit right now because for some reason you are afraid to leave, but no relationship is better than being lied to, cheated on (OF COURSE he's sleeping around) and taken advantage of. On top of it all he thinks you're stupid and will accept his ridiculous Viagra excuse.

Raise your bar, OP. And get an STI check soonest.

Nothing @Lostandconfus3d. You laugh at how incapable he is as a grown man to sort out his own problems and how good it is that these are no longer your issues to deal with. He is a man-child who throws tantrums, he’s showing you who he is, believe him.

You don't have to explain anything to him so he can't gaslight you.

Just say "it's not working, I'm not happy I want to split up" and already have your stuff gone. He can't gaslight you with that, but if he tries to emotionally manipulate you remember all the awful things he's done to you and said to you. Would you be ok with someone treating your loved one like that? He's shown you how much you're worth to him. He sounds like a narcissist and there is no helping that, the only thing you can do is run.

What would your mum and dad want for you? You to be with that awful man or you free and happy on your own or even with someone else! Someone who values you and will give you a family if you want it

You are right. 💯

I think that’s what I’ve been seeking. Family and by involving myself and helping his full family out as much as I possibly could I’ve ended up deeply unhappy and unappreciated.

I can have a family but not this one

"You are right. 💯

I think that’s what I’ve been seeking. Family and by involving myself and helping his full family out as much as I possibly could I’ve ended up deeply unhappy and unappreciated.

I can have a family but not this one"

Well done. You are getting there. This is where your mindset needs to shift to. You aren't losing anything by leaving. It will feel bad for a while and like your world has spun off its axis, but that is because it has been a long time, you are used to this and a change this big will be overwhelming for you.

However, you will, bit by bit, realise how free you are and how different your life can be. You can make other choices, choose another path, find the family you deserve.

This is NOT it. This is not what was meant for you.

Don't delay out of fear of the unknown. The unknown can not be worse than this.

so he doesn't even have the decency to come on the line and speak to you? passes on message telling you what to do as though you are his PA? He really the worst. I hope you won't be sorting out his lost phone for him?

This is exactly it. He used me as a gardener, housekeeper, chef, nanny and a PA. Every morning he asks me to email him a list of things he was to remember for the day. Like I’ve to take a mental note of everything I’ve heard from the day before and prompt him of what is on his to do list.

what an idiot I’ve been

😮You're kidding.

I wish I was

Not an idiot, OP, just kind and selfless.

The problem you have is that, rather than appreciate you for those lovely traits, he has sucked you dry and walked all over you.

I'd get bloody angry about that if I were you. How dare he?

I do think you may need some time alone to decide how much of yourself it is worth giving to others in future. I think it is possible that you are giving everything you have to others because it makes you feel good and gives you purpose. That's fine when your needs are met too, but you need to learn boundaries and to recognise when you aren't being valued for your contribution, but are treated with a lack of appreciation bordering on contempt.

You don't keep giving in those situations. You aren't proving your worth by doing everything for him, you are just proving that there isn't anything you won't give; that you view yourself as unworthy of reciprocal consideration and are giving him permission to treat you with zero respect.

Show him that isn't so. Stand up and walk.

@Lostandconfus3d but no more! You were blinded by love, loyalty and ultimately severe manipulation and gaslighting. You have now seen the light and can see him for what he truly is. Just think of all the time you’ll have to start your new life, make friends, start new hobbies, travel, whatever you want now you aren’t having to run this horrible man’s life for him. You’ll also have so much more emotional capacity, allowing you to grieve for your parents and work out who you really are and what you want from life.

I'd send his friend a message "please tell Tosser that I'm not his PA and that I have other things that need to take priority. Then block the friend.

I followed this thread last night and its great to see the positivity continues today. This man should have treat you like an absolute queen, you've gone far far far beyond the call of any married spouse, let alone a partner/girlfriend who still has her own house to manage. Running 2 households and his family as well and to think he repaid you by infidelity is unfathomable.

Yes, i caught him have a video chat with her, and then he lied about her being in same country, finally found out it was his friend's wife who was mid divorce that he hadn't told me about.

You are lovely, he’s a shit, leave and block and don’t be swayed by any of his bullshit to get his slave back.

Hey OP I'm sorry you're going through all this. Just thought I'd add my two cents as someone who has been through something similar.

Firstly, don't do any of the revenge ideas that people have been sharing on here. He could use it as evidence that you're a "psycho" and convince his family you were the bad guy in the relationship. Your best move is to bow out as gracefully as possible - "I've been thinking for a long time now that this isn't the life I want for myself, I deserve more than this and I'm out". Then block him on everything.

If he's anything like my ex he will try to get you back and will promise the world, be sobbing at your doorstep etc. You need to stay strong, these are nothing more than manipulation tactics. He had ten years to change his ways and he didn't, nothing will change now and if you go back it's just more evidence to him that he has power over you. If he really loved you he would never have done any of these things.

Finally, it really helped me to realise what had happened to me was emotional abuse. The constant tearing down of self-esteem, lies and gaslighting. None of this is your fault. This is simply what happens when a kind, trusting person gets involved with a raging narcissist. Be forever grateful that you never got pregnant with his baby.

All of this.

Don't cling to a mistake because it took a long time making it.

The fact that your friends have all abandoned you because of this means its been going on for some time and they're utterly frustrated that you won't take action. They probably feel like they're banging their heads on a brick wall. There will never be the perfect time to leave him and you will feel anxious snd dreadful and lonely but do it anyway. This guy is a grade a bastard but you need to find your strength to say enough.

You are not a failure.

You have plucked up the courage to question his shitty behaviour and you have all these MN posts validating what you know.

He does not treat you well and is cheating in you. Worse, you do his housework and garden and provide free baby sitting! He is an absolute turd and you deserve so much more.

You have taken some of your previous holiday to go to his house and provide free baby sitting so his daughter can work? She should have taken the time off - not you!

You sound like a lovely person -LTB, block him, kick the door shut on this episode and open the door to a future where you meet someone who treats you like the Queen you are

I am in such a similar situation. Ive PM you.

You sound a lovely person, you, ll never meet a decent partner whilst this arse is in your life. Please for your sake get your things out his place and move forward into a happy life. By this time next year you could be settled with the love of your life. You will certainly be happier, let him get on with his shitty life. Don't look back. Good luck.

What all the PP's have said, you really owe it to yourself to get out now, and start your life anew, free from all his domestic demands on you, you will have loads of free time to concentrate your energies, on making a new social circle, and form new relationships.
I wish you all the best for your new life x