Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Hi OP, so sorry again you have gone through this but glad to hear you are home from hospital and you are right - you will survive and get through this. Well done on being brave and reporting this. I am SO glad you reported to the police as they have they have taken this (rightly) very seriously.

Lots of MNs including myself all thinking of you and wishing you well. Take OP xx

Stay strong, OP. At least he's well and truly shown his true colours now. What an absolute piece of shit.

We’re all behind you. x

So Sorry to hear that OP
Hope you are ok and getting support you need. Sending you lots of love💞

Oh @Lostandconfus3d this is horrendous and I hope you know you do not deserve this. I imagine he said some pretty awful things too. I know you haven't shared all the details and that's completely understandable, but I just want to say that I think you sound fabulous and like others have said, I hope you're gently building a support network in real life around you. I expect his family may react to this and some shellfire may come your way , I really do hope you're ok and hopefully getting counselling or other support. You're strong and you can get through this x

I’m feeling all sort of emotions right now. I’m feeling really low, I’m really struggling obviously in significant pain. But I’m feeling some sort of guilt. Guilt for how he’s feeling, what he’s going through.

I was not innocent at the time in which he was attacking me I knew I couldn’t over power him. So I was saying really horrible things. I wish I hadn’t done this

You poor thing. This is going to take some time to overcome and you will be feeling every emotion under the sun over the coming days and weeks. But please do not ever for one second think that ANY of this is your fault. He is a terrible person who has coerced and abused and treat you appallingly for a long time. When you have broken free and attempted to take back control of your life he has attempted to destroy that, and you. This is classic sociopathic/narcissistic behaviour and he is a very dangerous man. NOTHING about this situation has been because of anything you have said or done.
He is 100% to blame here and has now fully shown himself for exactly what and who he is.

Please continue to take comfort from the support and advice here, and perhaps contact Womens Aid for additional guidance if needs be. You will probably hear from Victim Support soon if you haven't already.
Please be kind to yourself. We are all thinking of you 💐

You can say whatever you want to say to him….call him the worst names in the book. It still gives him no right to physically assault you and send you to hospital.

@Lostandconfus3d cross posted there, I was writing that before I saw your most recent post. But what I've written still stands x

There is literally NOTHING you can say to a person which justifies violence. Nothing.

You are not implicated in this in anyway; he chose to hurt you, and now he will face the consequences of that.

You've given him a lot for a long time and he's basically angry that you're not his servant any more. A tantrum.

You did absolutely nothing wrong at all.

He was angry and lashed out physically because he knows he's lost you for good now. He's lost his little 'yes' person (and when I say that, I do not mean it derogatory towards you; it's how he has viewed you throughout your relationship). In a way, I'm pleased that he's really shown his true colours (just absolutely bloody awful you were physically injured as a result), so you can add this to the massive list you must have of 'reason why I need to leave him and never contemplate returning'.

I'm so sorry you've been through such an awful time. As others have said, his behaviour is and has been inexcusable. This is all on him. You have done absolutely nothing wrong so please don't reproach yourself for having said things you may not usually say in the heat of the moment. I'm pretty sure he deserved every single shitty word you said!

I am so glad you are okay @Lostandconfus3d x

Right so he's a violent old man.
You have lost your argument by name calling.....dick.

This isn’t the place for this. If u have no advice or words of encouragement let’s get u out of this post. Move along please

So sorry you have had to go through this. Nothing gives him the right to assault you no matter what you said. He should feel guilty but I suspect he wont.

I’m pleased to see you reconnected with an old friend; who else can you reconnect with for support?

Can you get some counselling to help you as well.

Rooting for you OP you will get through this.

He's been awful and you reacted with words, he reacted with violence. You did not deserve that. He deserved a dressing down though. Does his family know what's happened?

Remember you are amazing

Clearing 100% no more needed to say

I did not see this coming! I am so sorry you went through this. Please don;t feel guilty for saying some things you regret. He has treated you poorly for a long time. I hope he feel terrible. Stay strong.

You had every right to say everything you did say, @Lostandconfus3d. There's no excuse for reacting to words with violence. He's got words too, he could have used them. I imagine his violent tantrum was because what you said was true!

His feelings will be:
fury at having lost his obedient slave;
regret that he'll have to find and train a fresh victim (I hope he never finds one);
self-recrimination at having lost the plot instead of trying to sweet-talk you back into servitude;
disgust at the truths you told him;
anger because he feels disgusted at himself;
denial because he won't face the truth of what he is.

All of these emotions are consequences of his own attitudes and actions. Not yours. You've got nothing to feel guilty for. Another couple of quotes from Lundy Bancroft:

"What I’ve discovered from my years of working with abusers is that my clients didn’t turn out to be in any special pain They certainly didn’t look to me like they were in any more pain than non-abusive men. I’ve certainly known plenty of non-abusive men who have lived very painful lives for all kinds of reasons and I’ve had a lot of [abuser] clients who were absolutely top-dog, I mean everything was going great for them.

"[The abuser] believes in his right to rule, not necessarily in all fronts of his life but when it comes to a partner, he believes in his right to rule. He’s going to control her in all kinds of ways that usually don’t involve violence and this is one of the points that I think is important to get, you don’t have to use direct physical intimidation a lot. If you use it once in a while, that’s enough."

"The right outlook is outrage". We are ALL outraged on your behalf. Your ex deserves rage, contempt, dismissal. You deserve respect, kindness, consideration. Be there for yourself!

@Lostandconfus3d you did what you could in the situation to defend yourself. Everyone says things they don’t necessarily mean or want to say out loud in times of panic and stress but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. He has disrespected and hurt you so many times over the years that I highly doubt anything you said could have come close to inflicting any kind of pain to him. You are not responsible for how he might be feeling.

Look at your list - remember all the times he was cruel and unkind to you. When he didn’t care that your parent died, when he couldn’t be bothered to support you in your greatest time of need. That is nothing compared to whatever it was you said. Ending the relationship is causing him distress because he has lost control of you, not because he feels bereft at the loss of you as an individual. He knows how good he had it with you and is angry that you have seen sense and can see him for what he is.

He physically assaulted you, there is no amount of verbal provocation that can justify what he did. None. This was not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It’s understandable that you are confused and are struggling with how you feel. I can see why you would feel guilty - you’ve spent the last 10yrs placating him, making his life easier and catering to his every whim. It is completely alien to you to be the source of his distress, it goes against what he has conditioned you to feel throughout the relationship. You are the fixer, the mediator, you would suffer so he didnt have to. He would be kinder when you solved his issues but would be angry at you if something went wrong or you hadn’t done something ‘right’. I imagine you are finding it extremely uncomfortable to not be able to ‘fix’ this for him, you feel like you have to make it better. But you don’t. You don’t have to ever do anything for him again. It’s not easy to unlearn this way of thinking but in time you will, you need to have faith in yourself.

You have already shown how strong you are by recognising the situation you were in, being extremely proactive in getting yourself out and taking steps to build your new life. You did that, all on your own, you did it.

Do not let him pull you down.

You can do this x

This. So well said @NZDreaming

Hey OP I hope you’re feeling better.
He is responsible for how he is feeling, not you !

He chose to attack you physically.
How are you supposed to react to that ? With niceties ? You are within your rights to call him whatever you like.
You are an innocent person who was attacked by a low- life.
In no way are you guilty !

I hope he gets locked up.He may get bailed meantime though.

You should get an injunction against him so he has to stay away from you and if he doesn’t, he gets arrested again.
Don't answer the door to him, get a ring door bell and make sure you’ve changed your locks.

OP this is exactly how he's conditioned you to feel.

He's physically assaulting you, and only because of that, do you release a tirade of everything that's wrong about this cretinous wanker. And you're the one feeling bad about the situation. Look what you've done to him, hey. How could you. He'll have a record now. That's your fault. Look at you, ruined his life. It makes the blood in my veins chill. Mine was livid and spat in my face that his police record (after years of serious abuse) would affect him getting a visa for places he still wanted to visit. What a cunt I was. The fact I was hospitalised? Nearly died? Insignificant. His hypothetical future holidays were far more important.

I speak from experience when I say this parasite has conditioned you, from day one, to feel like this.

You could give this vile bastard a kidney. And he'd genuinely have you feeling like shit that you hadn't given him two. It's like being under the most evil spell.

I hope your words ring in his ears forever. And I promise you, you will go from strength to strength now. He even knocks on your door? Police. He can't get two records, that ship has sailed. Police. Every single time.

Keep us updated xx

Thinking of you OP.

You ARE innocent OP. No one has a right to attack you. He violated your home your wishes and your body. He is 100 percent wrong. Please do not feel ashamed you have done nothing wrong. He is a bastard and he deserves what punishment he receives.