Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Hugs

This was never the relationship to have children. He would have been a horrible father.
there is still options to be a mum if this is really what you want but part of your healing working on being self compassionate and show yourself self love. 37 is absolutely not over the hill, I would say your best years are a head of you but only if you get out of the prison in your mind. He holds no power over your future . ❤️

@Lostandconfus3d I’m sorry, thats not great timing but may also have been contributing to your feelings of confusion, hormones do weird things to your brain. You have every right to blame him, maybe you would have decided not to have children if you weren’t with him but you never had the opportunity to make that choice as he dragged you back in the last time you got the courage to leave. He has used and abused you for too long. If at some point you did want to be a parent there are other options but perhaps in the meantime focus on building up your relationships with your estranged friends and hopefully you can be involved in their children’s lives in some way.

Personally I have no desire to be a parent but absolutely love being an auntie, all the fun and spoiling, none of the responsibility. I’ve gone down the obsessive pet ownership route instead, maybe that’s something you could look into when you’re feeling more settled. With not having to run his life/home too you’ll have plenty of time to dedicate to a new furry or feathered friend 🐈‍⬛ 🐕 🐰 🐥

Document all the calls and emails and if they don’t stop make a police report.

I'm so pleased you've had a nice W/E for yourself! May you have many more, without that using abuser sucking the life out of you!
You are showing how strong you are, so be proud of yourself. Many of us know how hard and painful it is to break a trauma bond.

He's only hounding you because his house needs cleaning.

Stay strong!!

Sorry to hear about your early menopause x

Blocking withheld numbers willy nilly can be problematic (at least here in the US) because medical providers and other important agencies often show up as 'caller unknown' and if you block unknown numbers, they aren't able to leave voicemails so you may miss an important call. Instead, we just don't answer any unknown numbers and let it go to voicemail then return the call if necessary. You can always hit delete the second you recognize his voice and not listen to his message. That's what we do with 'robo-calls'.

Someone continuing to contact you after they've been told not to constitutes harassment. You might, if you feel comfortable, unblock his number send a final text message "If you continue in your attempts to contact me in any way including 'withheld' numbers, you will be reported to the police for harassment". Take a screen shot of the 'sent' message and block again. But do be prepared to follow through. If you had previously messaged 'no contact', just call the police now and let them deal with it. Men like him are cowards at heart and I'll bet a call or visit from the police will have him shitting plaid rabbits.

You must block. You must.

Block unknown numbers for a month. Long enough for him to know it doesn't work.

Block absolutely everything. Please xx

Feeling positive today started reading the Lundy book last night and started doing anxiety/stress modules on the silvercloud website this morning.

need to take positive steps to fix me

@Lostandconfus3d

You don't need 'fixing', that implies there's something in you that's broken or wrong. Keeping with the analogy, maybe think of it as a 'tune up' instead. You know, an adjustment here, a tweak there until you're back running just right.

Wishing you well, OP. If he is contacting you at work you could ask IT if they can block his email. Tell colleagues not to put calls through to you or let him in if he turns up. Any flowers or gifts he sends get thrown in the bin.

Is changing your number feasible?

OP, you are doing so well! I bet you loved having that wine in your garden. Please focus on the positives now (one huge one being that he isn't controlling your life now). Him trying to contact you does not necessarily mean he cares. He's probably realising how much you supported him and his extended family... but it's far too late for you to forgive him for treating you like a complete doormat. You are young and have so much going for you. Take some time out, take a trip or start a new hobby to meet new people. We are all rooting for you and let me tell you, the hardest bit (leaving him) is done!! X

Came to check on you OP and see how you are doing.

I am so glad to hear you are feeling more positive and taking steps to actively feel better.

You are brave and courageous and taken a huge step into this new reality where you are now rightly the number 1 priority. You do you! ❤️

All the MN posters here on this thread and those reading are all here to support you and wish you well.

Just sending you strength and good thoughts.
It's so difficult when your traumas have made you make all sorts of bonds.
Some will be great, some not so. They helped you then. They might not be the right bonds for you now.
I personally have made that terrifying leap to the other world where I was on my own.
For me? I created my own joy.
I wish you joy.

I wish you joy.

I like this! How're you doing, @Lostandconfus3d?

@Lostandconfus3d

Hello there!

How's it going? Have you made any enquiries re the golf?

What are you up to over the weekend?

Have you called your friends?

(Has Sir Twatwaffle attempted anything new?)

Hope your hanging in there op
Xx

He came to my home and attacked me last nite. I had to call the police he’s been arrested for assault. I’m on my way to the hospital to be checked over now

Omg, hope you're ok and have s9me RL support

I’m so sorry OP - I hope you’re ok and no lasting damage.

He's shown who he truly is now. Please work with the police to press charges and get a restraining order.

How awful. Hope your ok lovely.

This is awful! What a nasty NASTY piece of work.

Get a restraining order and please reach out to anyone in real life for support.

Really hope you’re ok, sending hugs.

I stay there a few nights a week and do all the household stuff and maintain his garden

Put this together with you minding his grandchildren AND working full time - you have been taken for a complete mug, OP. Now he's hiding your things, buying another women wine and using Viagra with her (or them).

I wouldn't say another word - wait until he's gone then take all your stuff and go. Don't feel any obligation towards his children, either.

This is awful. I hope this cements your resolve.

Big hugs

What a nasty POS he is—refuses to come to your home for years, and only comes over to assault you once you’ve had enough of his twattery. I hope the courts throw the book at him.

OP left a week ago and has now been attacked by him - maybe read the thread or OP's replies before posting eh.