Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

Some kind of throat infection, combined with COVID. I work for a charity and come into contact with many people a week, so frequently ill. Bit like a nursery teacher lol. It's been nice to have some quiet on my own, silver linings and all that.

I'd definitely look into the golf then, if it's something you like anyway. There's a decent crowd in the golf community. Typically well educated, good jobs, successful but salt of the earth kind of folk. Loads of decent men when you feel ready to look at dating again is also something to consider. You will soon find friends to have a round with, and equally you can spend some alone time on the driving range. It's a great, relaxed little hub that you can take at your own pace.

The trauma bond is a very real thing. Everything within me was telling me to give it another go, I'd given so much of my life to him, don't give up now. It's not until you completely cut them off that you suddenly realise what the fuck has happened. The irony that he'd caused me so much trauma that I couldn't break away, when breaking away is the one thing that suddenly makes you heal. It's literally like a light switch, but you must completely block him for it to happen.

Congratulations on your new favourite day. Kind of feels poignant hey. Mine also ruined more birthdays (Christmases, everything) than anyone should have to endure, so I have a special day too, just for me, in November.

Please keep us updated. When you wobble, or need some comfort, we're all right here for you.

Yes, you do. There's a good line from the movie 'Tootsie' said after a break up; "Don't tell me how to feel! I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way any more!". And to an extent it's true, we need to get the emotion out so we can start our new path.

One caution, there can be a fine line between 'feeling the emotion' and 'wallowing in it'. But I think you'll do fine. You'll find positive things to do and a new way to 'be you'.

Op, sorry your in this position, but he is gaslighting you, you don't need him to explain because he will talk himself out of it and you will end up apologising, please your gut is telling you, you know, walk away, don't explain yourself to him, that's wat he wants so he can gaslight you, good luck x

How are you doing OP? Hope you had a nice weekend 🌸

I think you've made the right decision OP. Glad to read that you've ditched the sunken fallacy that was your relationship.

You seem like a wonderful person that has been grossly taken advantage of.

I hope that you stay strong and don't get sucked back into the familiarity.

I’d hang up those marigolds and park that wheelbarrow. He can sort his own bloody house and garden now. Sorry to hear this. He’s not invested at all and can’t be trusted. You deserve better.I bet he couldn’t believe you busted him with the Viagra.

Maybe you don't want children (sorry if you are already a mother). I did catch that you both can't have children because he's had a vasectomy. However, if you aren't a mother and did want children I can't believe you've allowed this grunt of a man to waste your child-bearing years. All of the above aside, I hope you stop fearing this horrid human being. He doesn't deserve you one bit and he completely disrespects you, can you see it?
Just take your things and cut him off. He seems to wield a lot of power over you through his words. I can just see him now cackling in front of his friends, boasting about how he's got you around his finger, got you right where he wants you, that you'd be too scared to leave, because he'd just tell you that no-one will want you/would have you - and you'd believe him. Show him he's wrong and tell him to fuck off through your actions. Spend time on your own. Be strong on your own. Be with someone who adds value to your life and cares about you. This pig does not.

I had a nice weekend. I took myself to the beach on Saturday then had a bottle of wine and sat in the garden when I got home.

he has started to try contact me. I mad missed calls and voicemails when I woke this morning and three emails when I returned to work today.

he had clearly had a bit to drink and couldn’t believe I had left. I’ve been in a bit of a spiral today but am back at work trying to push through

Well, he is, but just not very well.

Keep moving forward, OP. He is beginning to realise the reality of what you did for him and is now outside of his comfort zone of outsourcing it to you. He misses his cleaner/gardener/secretary/nanny.

@Lostandconfus3d glad to hear you had a peaceful weekend but I think you would be doing yourself a massive favour by blocking him on all forms of communication so you don’t have to even be aware of what he is trying to say to you. You know he’s got the message, there is nothing more to communicate about. There is nothing useful that he can say, all he can do is make you feel bad/angry/guilty/sad etc none of which are helpful to you. He is trying to make you doubt yourself and your choices. He is no doubt trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re in the wrong or that he can change.

You are trying to move on, he is not letting you do that and has already disrespected you and crossed your boundaries by repeatedly trying to make contact you have told him you don’t want. Take back control by not giving him the opportunity to disturb your peace and get in your head. You have done amazingly well to get to this point, don’t let yourself down by letting yourself be emotionally manipulated by him, the easiest way to prevent that from happening is to cut all contact. You owe him nothing.

Stay strong op. You've got a whole new fab life ahead x

@Lostandconfus3d Glad to hear that you had a good one! I second @NZDreaming Don't even give him an opportunity to get in touch. This is where trauma bond can get you- we get addicted to the emotional rollercoasters. So please please protect your peace, block him everywhere. ❤

@Lostandconfus3d

Ok, now it's time to block him since his attempts at contact are upsetting to you. You need peace and space and you won't be getting it if you're on tenterhooks each time you look at your phone or computer. He needs to be 'dead to you'. Do you feel there's any purpose to be served by not blocking him?

IMHO, it's inappropriate of him to use your work email for this purpose. I'd definitely be sure his address is blocked there. If your work email is anything like mine (US civil service) it was made extremely clear to us that our email was not private and all messages were not only stored on a central server, but our upper management had overrides that allowed them to view our emails.

I did block him but he called from a withheld number so could get through. i may block unknown numbers too.

I don’t want contact from him as it has left me feeling shit 😢

Dear god op, the person who called it modern slavery was spot on. I do think you should have some regrets, looking back. He was away- you could have sewn oranges into the curtains, brought a cat and some mice in to leave them at his place, take a few of his favorite jumpers and remove a few screws from the toilets. And after all that investing in the relationship I think you should have invested a little more, hired a digger and dug up the garden and maybe driven through the fence on the way out. It’s not enough, but it might have been some small steps towards balance and harmony. Anyway, it’s done so call it a blank slate and move on. But, buy some capsicum spray in case he turns up at your house. If it’s him, whip the door open, spray it, and tell the police if it comes to that that you were shocked and thought he was aggressive. You’re standing in your own doorway, you wouldn’t get charged with anything.

Just read your thread. You're an inspiration. I don't even know you and I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness for you in all that you've achieved.

I hope you've been able to reach out to other good friends who took a step back. Hopefully they'll be able to bounce you back up when you're down and listen when you need it.

Not sure if you're a fan, but I always love a 'Friends' binge when I'm feeling down. Also, how about 'Anne with an E'? Hours of comfort, right there - where you can just watch and not think too hard about anything in particular.

@Codlingmoths or Sellotaped kippers under dining chairs 😂

Personally I'd watch Schitts Creek for feel good comedy escapism.
The stories are crazy funny, the characters adorable and the fashion as wonderful as Sex in the City.
Sending you strength and more sunny days. Thank you, I have noticed the summer started on your freedom weekend. 🌤️

OP I started reading your thread feeling the bile and rage rising in my throat and by the time I got to the end I felt like cheering.

DON’T YOU DARE GO BACK TO HIM

he is a selfish man who has bled you dry and happily wasted some of the best years of your life. Never never look back now. You go and LIVE on your own terms.

From my experience - yes, block unknown numbers, E Mail, everything.
I needed 'total no contact' to give myself breathing space, or I just ended up believing the lies, because I sort of wanted to.
You're doing bloody well though! So much better, stronger than I managed.
Maybe change your MN name to 'Foundmyselfandclearagainnowthanks' 😁

@Lostandconfus3d I have just seen this thread, read through it and even though you’re a complete stranger I’m so proud of you! I was in a relationship much like yours when I was just 18 and had no idea how to escape, my self esteem was so low I didn’t even realise I needed to escape. He left me for someone else which was the only nice thing he ever did for me. You leaving him is HUGE and your strength is not to be underestimated. You’re going to wobble but that’s ok, you’ve done the hardest part. Stay strong x

oh and block him from every avenue including withheld numbers. If he continues or turns up at your door then go to the police.

Stay strong OP, you've got a gang here really rooting for you and so happy to hear you reconnect with old friends and find ways to stand up for yourself! I know it will be so tempting to roll back in and he'll be doing everything in his power. But he treated you really badly, and if he says he can change, that just meant it was a choice to behave like that before which is not ok. You are worth so much more. I hope you have a plan to go hang out with the old friend you reconnectwd with, look after yourself 🌻

Please don’t let anything he is emailing or saying drag you off this fucking incredible podium of winners that you are on top of 🙌🏻💪🏻🏆 You are doing so so well - DO NOT allow that piece of shit to crawl out of his pit of shame to get to you up there.
My recommended feel good watch is Ted Lasso 💫

Just had blood results back and it’s official I am in early menopause. I thought my period had stopped due to stress but nope, it’s there in black and white. My baby making days are gone, wasted on a man who did not love or respect me.

im not sure I ever wanted Children but now I know I can’t it’s just another parting gift from him. I mean I know it’s not his fault but I want to blame him anyway