Is he cheating

[Lostandconfus3d]

Is he cheating?

My partner (M50) has been acting weird towards me (F37) for a while. Sex hasn’t been as frequent. He goes between being lovely to acting like he doesn’t want me around and snapping with me.

A couple of weeks ago I found viagra in a suitcase he uses when we travel or he goes away for work trips. There was only 1 left in the pack of 8. I questioned him on this and he blew up claiming he uses them for me when he has had a few drinks and can’t preform. I cannot think of one occasion when he has been drunk where he could have taken them and if he did it didn’t work!

I chose to rug sweep thinking maybe he was telling the truth or I was mistaken. Last week he was being super off with me didn’t want me around. He told me Thursday night he was having an early night and said he would speak to me the next day. When I woke to message him in the morning he had been online at 3.13am although he had told me he was sleeping by 10pm. When I asked if he slept well he said he went straight to sleep after he said goodnight.

I went to his house the next morning and all of my possessions were “hidden” in the spare room with the door closed. Shoes, clothes everything. He said he was tidying my mess and not to over think. I then seen 2 bottles of wine, a bottle of Prosecco (which he doesn’t drink) and several beers in his bin. It’s making me question is he cheating? I never mentioned the drinks I did ask again if he slept well or if he had been up late and he was adamant he went straight to sleep.

Has he been taking the viagra for someone else? Hiding my belongings when someone else is coming over to stay up drinking with him all night??

I will add he has previous for EA/possible kiss/seeking validation which I discovered by snooping a few months back and he promised he would never hurt me this way again. I’m so confused

I’m glad you have ended it, I genuinely thought this would be like your friends, watching you getting treated badly and yoy staying in, till we all leave the thread.

i honestly was stunned at what I was reading, I don’t think I’ve ever read something so utterly desperate, he treats you like a skivvy and you run around after him, like the hired help, and he’s cheating on you and humiliates you. He even asked you to do the weeding and got his mate to phone you. It was just so so bad

Feeling a wee bit teary this morning. I know I have made the right decision and I had to act quick before his return or I would never have done it. It was my one chance to take action and just get it done.

at a loss of where to place myself today. Maybe try another girly film. Sex and the city was a good distraction the other day. Any suggestions on feel good films? Needing a wee bit of a hand hold this morning

I'm here, @Lostandconfus3d. Others are too.

Of course you're feeling wobbly. You've done a big thing and your emotions will be all over the place for a while.

It helps to be aware that this is the worst it is going to be. Day by day, your freedom will become the new normal. It will take time for you to stop thinking about him as soon as you wake up and regularly throughout the day. You've been doing that for a decade and it doesn't just stop. This is brain re-training time and you do have to be a bit patient with it and find strategies for diverting it.

You are right to think of a distraction and some empowering, fluffy TV watching.

When I went through an awful breakup, I actually found things like thrillers and documentaries were good because they were distracting, involving and didn't have anything about relationships in them at all. May not be your bag, though.

Thanks for being there ❤️

you are right this is the worst it’s going to get. I think because I know he’s home and so close it’s started to play on me a bit. I just need to keep busy.

im usually a thriller/docuseries girl but don’t think I would be able to follow it today. I may get up and take a walk to the library see if I can get a few books. When I start reading I just get lost in it and nothing else enters my head

Stay strong OP, a better life awaits you.

Look into Walking Clubs and Meet Up groups in your area, for fun and friendship. You will meet someone that's worthy of your love in time, I'm sure of that

Hi OP its understandable, how about light-hearted feel good series live Virgin River ? I don't think I could follow smth overly complicated in your situation.
what helps me when Im feeling anxious /worried /scared etc its decluttering, gardening and cleaning. It makes me feel more in control and its a good way to channel energy into something productive. 💞

Is there anyone you can talk to today? Maybe choose another friend to reach out to. Try to remember (as your friend yesterday has shown you) that the reason they withdrew was because they love you and will have been frustrated beyond belief at what you were putting up with. It is so hard to watch someone you care about being treated like that and not standing up for themselves. I am sure you can rebuild with them now. It could give you a little more of a boost. They will just be so proud of you. I would be.

Here's hoping you hear nothing from him. That will feel strange to you and I am going to guess that part of you is waiting for it and almost hoping to have a bit of final closure from him, but you don't need that. It's done now.

Can you do something nice to your home as a mark of change? New bedding? A new plant? Something that reminds you that things are different now.

It's good he's never been to your house (although it's utterly WEIRD that he never did!) because you don't have to exorcise your own living space. That's a plus.

This might sound a bit naff but how about going to buy some magazines and spending some time making a vision board? I've been reading about how powerful images are and regularly having something in front of you that shows how YOU want to life to feel may feel like a real positive? Or it may be too soon, which is also ok. I'm a slightly embarrassed fan of Gilmore Girls for netflix binge, but outing myself here in case it helps you! You've done so well to make that break, I hope you know how strong you've been 🔥

I watch horror movies, I hate them because they scare me, but it does help me take my mind off things if I'm stressed or worried

I had a cousin who done this. She made a walk board in her room of all her goals, lose weight, but a house, marry, have a child and ticked them off one by one!

ohhh I used to love the Gilmore girls (thanks for outing urself and reminding me) this could be a shout

Well done OP for staying strong and starting afresh. I love all the posts from PPs this morning - a whole community is here to support you and rooting for you!

Now is the time to build new routines, YOUR routines and time to look after yourself. Give yourself time to process thr emotions (and your lucky escape) and look for new hobbies or activities you could join.

I once tried a stained glass art course and made my own mirror. Very random and not somrthing i would do again but an experience. Or going along to free talks in library or bookshops to meet new authors etc.

There is a whole world waiting out there for you to discover and experience. I know it is tough and a change but it is a positive beautfiul change and I am excited at what your future will hold 🙂 you are the captain of your own ship 👏🙌💪

You got this!

@Lostandconfus3d

You go girl and good for you!!

I assume you've blocked him but not his family? Not sure if you're familiar with the term 'flying monkey' but it's a person that is sent in to 'smooth the way' for the abuser (that's what he is) to reenter your life. So just be aware that if his family does contact you they may be doing it at his behest.

How has your day been, OP?

@mrsmalaprop not had the best day I’m a bit all over the place but I managed to get to the library and pick up some books. I didn’t want to waste the day

It was a nice day here; hope you caught a bit of sunshine while you were out!
Of course you'll be feeling discombobulated - treat yourself very gently, like an invalid or your favourite child.

Watch Good Girls and Dead to Me, I loved the Gilmore girls too. Dead to me is brilliant. You're one strong wee lady xx

I'd recommend Cougar Town (as well as the other suggestions), and wine. It was always going to be a difficult day now he's back. Keep going, you're doing great.

@Lostandconfus3d

Evening!

I've been thinking of you today. I'm a bit poorly and left to my own devices, so have had a lot of time to think about all sorts.

I just wanted you to know, we are all rooting for you. Keep strong. Keep away.

Take time to heal, time to yourself, with (and this is critical) all contact blocked. I returned to an abuser 4 times because of the trauma bond, and that I didn't block him, and he talked me back. Don't waste your life like I did. Please.

Maybe look at taking some lessons. Golf? Where you'll have a new focus, new hobby, new setting to make new friends. Where the lesson time is structured so you don't mill about like a spare part? Maybe a cuppa in the clubhouse after and get chatting to the bar staff at first? I hate golf, but go with DS and it's a lovely social scene.

Did you know it's the midsummer solstice today? It's a special date, and you can remember it's the day you became you again xxx

I’m sorry ur feeling sick. What’s wrong?

I do like watching golf, I follow it avidly just never had the confidence to give it a go myself? This may be tomorrow’s task look for local golf clubs to try something new. If I’m no good I can always try something else? I like all sports actually. Apart from cricket, I don’t think Scottish people are made to like cricket 🤣

I’m sorry to hear u wasted so much time on a horrible relationship. I do believe I have some form of trauma bond and I am going against every natural instinct in my body. But I plan to stick at it.

oh I love this. The day I became me again! It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I wasn’t made feel particularly good so this could be my new favourite day in June xx

Its old but I quite like 'Sliding Doors' when I am feeling a bit down.

Oh I haven’t seen this forever. I remember it just being released and my mum and dad went to the pictures to see it. They never done anything just the two of them, so I remember at the time thinking it was a big thing they were going on “a date”. I may watch this thanks

Hope you made it through today okay - some sunshine always helps? You were really strong - just hope you feel proud of yourself still. Sending hugs

I’m in bed reading. A little teary. Reading through tears may be a new low for me 🤣 but I’m running with the emotion. I need to get it all out

You have to go feel the feels; the lows are to be expected. And the more you allow yourself to grieve for this relationship the sooner your healing will happen. Then comes the brighter future you so deserve!!!

Write yourself a list of all the things you wanted to do and were prevented from by being with that awful man, then tick them off! Refind yourself. It will be worth it!

’m in bed reading. A little teary. Reading through tears may be a new low for me 🤣 but I’m running with the emotion. I need to get it all out

you did the right thing - you’re doing the right things now, yes it needs to come out, but I know you’ll be okay, you’re strong and sensitive and sensible, so you’re in a better place than most already!