Paying on second date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

I'm with friend one I think. You probably should have been clearer and said 'I've booked and paid for the golf'. Asking for bank details so that he could send you money for his game would have been weird!

Tight arse. Glad you didn’t enjoy the kiss 😂
if a man can’t afford to date they shouldn’t, I made the mistake with a previous partner and ended up spending a lot more a lot of the time despite him earning over twice what I did… deeply unattractive imo. Live and learn.

It was only date 2 - he's a tight arse. Imagine he'd booked the crazy golf, you'd probably have said, 'hey, you've paid for the crazy golf, so I'll get this.' It gives them the chance to say 'oh, no, I've not paid yet so we'll split both' if you've misunderstood.

And of course, when he found out about his 'faux pas' (I doubt it was), he could have said, 'you'll have to let me take you out on date 3 as my treat to make up for it'.

Hrer's not keen enough, and he lacks generosity. I'm glad you've dumped him.

I’d see it as a lesson in being clearer in future if this kind of tit-for-tat financial stuff is important to you when dating.

I'm with friend one.

Because he didn't know you'd paid for the golf, he was probably thinking you were taking the piss by not offering to get the burgers, because he paid for the drinks last time.

Just simple miscommunication.

Personally I would say it’s a mistake to pay upfront at such an early stage.
Just go for a couple of simple drinks/coffee dates in early days til you’ve got the measure of each other.

Buying his own food is an ick regardless of if you’ve paid for the activity but you could have made it a bit clearer you’d paid. He probably thought as he’d paid last time that you were paying. But either way the communication was poor from both of you.

Asking for someone’s bank details and transferring funds this soon is a big no for me.

If he paid for all the drinks on your first date, I think it was your turn to pay for the burgers on date 2, or at least pay for your own.

He didn’t know you had paid for the golf.

That’s my take on it

I’d look at it as you’ve paid an extra £14 more than him which is nothing.

@IsabelleHuppert Thanks for taking the time to respond. I actually don’t think I’m very much tit for tat at all but I do think I’m a little old fashioned in the sense I feel it’s nice for the guy to pay for the first couple of dates, especially the first meal (if you can call burger and fries at a chain a meal)
Once you have settled in the relationship of course I’m all for taking turns, even in this event I was happy enough to pay for the golf I just didn’t think I would have to pay for my meal on top of the golf.
Always interesting to read other people’s opinions.

I think he's a bit of a shit for not paying something towards the crazy golf when he found out you'd paid.

I hope you enjoyed the golf at least!

@Valid8me I agree I def should have said I paid but it really didn’t enter my head.
@ThisIsaNiceDress That’s my thoughts tbh, we aren’t talking £100 meal at a fancy restaurant, we are talking about a chain burger and fries.
@ChristmasFluff exactly and how unattractive is tightness anyway! Even in a friendship it puts you off someone.

@ShowerOfShites even on date two when you haven’t even kissed yet? If they aren’t trying to impress you then, when the hell are they?
@SamW98 Tbf I’m not saying I would have given him my details anyway. I’m just saying I think that would have been a nice thing for thing for him to offer if he really was planning to pay for the golf.
@MiddleagedBeachbum even tho we are only talking about the second date? I don’t know, in my past relationships guys have always funded the first 4/5 dates often looking offended when I offer to pay (which I always do, I’m really not tight, just old fashioned I guess)

@CalicoPusscat thank you that’s my thoughts. Not saying I would have accepted it but to offer would have been appreciated and we could have laughed about the misunderstanding. It was just awkward ordering our own meals like we were strangers. And then he got up when his number was called and went and got it, came back and put it on the table and remained standing up so I wrongly assumed he was going to grab mine when they called my number but instead he went to the sauces, to be fair he did ask if I wanted any sauces. It was just so odd.

Why should he have to pay for things to impress you? Why are you not “still trying to impress him”?
I agree with pp- on the information he had which was that he paid for the drinks on the first date, you should pay for burgers and he probably planned to pay for golf. But it’s very sexist of you to think he should pay. Why the fuck should he?!

Well I mean, were you trying to impress him?

He paid on date one.

He didn't know you'd paid for the golf.

He probably thought you should get the burgers as he got the drinks last time.

I really don't see a problem with this.

@Aussieland I think the first few dates should be fairly equal, as with OLD you don't necessarily know if it's going to turn into something so the financial outlay could tot up, especially if you think no and try another date with someone else.

Don't think OP is greedy or sexist just would have appreciated a contribution towards it.

@Aussieland wow you feel strongly about this. Ok il bite-it’s all about impressing at the start surely, yes on both sides and one way I think the man tries is funding the first couple of dates. As I have said I was happy to pay for the golf but don’t think I should have for the food and the golf, especially on date two. To be fair, if I believe what he says he also didn’t think that should happen as he claimed he would have paid for my food had he known. I totally agree i wasn’t clear enough and that’s on me.
I actually don’t think you can count two drinks on the first date, again I offered to pay for the second one and he refused.
And lastly, why the fuck should I pay? Surely that’s not sexist, assuming to split it? And actually most men do earn more than women as we live in an unfair society so most men do fund more in my experience. And to really be honest, he asked me out both times so if you want to be technical, they who ask should fund and plan it? No?

Don't think OP is greedy or sexist just would have appreciated a contribution towards it.

I don't think she's greedy, but I'm not sure she understands that if you take the golf out of it (because he didn't know) then it's completely fair that he got the drinks last time, so he thought she'd get the burgers this time.

Expecting a man to 'impress' you is pretty sexist unless you're also going to try and 'impress' them.

Don't be petty.

He paid first time so the only bit you're out of pocket on is £14 for his crazy golf.

One alcoholic drink and a soft drink could have cost that (don't start counting the pennies).

The date didn't cost you £50 as in you're out of pocket £50. Most of that was your food and activity (which you had suggested).

Dating is an investment of time and some money. This guy picked a low cost meal, you wanted something nicer. If he'd suggested that it would have cost a lot more.

Sounds like youre just salty he didn't pay for everything even though it didn't work out. Some people don't agree with men footing the bill. That's perfectly acceptable and I think this one approximately evened out over the two dates give or take a couple of quid. Let it go. You do sound very tight and petty being forensic over this amount of money.

and one way I think the man tries is funding the first couple of dates.

This depends on what sort of woman he's dating.

Some women (as proven by a thread on here a couple of weeks ago), are very grabby and automatically expect the man to pay.

But the thing with online dating is it's designed for people to date lots of 'matches', until they find someone to be exclusive with.

So the bloke would be skint if he had to pay every time, and why should he anyway, just because the woman feels entitled?

Perhaps he wasn't particularly impressed by you hence suggesting burgers and not paying? Works both ways.

And to really be honest, he asked me out both times so if you want to be technical, they who ask should fund and plan it? No?

Well you planned the crazy golf so you should have no problem in paying for it, going by your rules 🤷‍♀️

OP suggested several things and he chose the crazy golf.

Anyway they're not meeting again.

The question is do you fancy him more than the few quid at stake or not?

Damned if he does, damned if he doesnt. If he insisted on paying for the second dinner (without knowing you had paid for the golf) he may have offended someone who expects everything to be a 50/50 split.

All down to communication. He is now aware you paid for the golf and he has stated if he knew about it he would have paid for dinner.

Why not give him the opportunity to even things out. Next meal out is on him. If he cheapskates you then you are reasonable to label him. If he makes an effort (more than a burger) then you know if was just a misunderstanding.

Peoples ability to communicate is dissapearing due to OLD,