Paying on second date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

I'd find that very unattractive, sorry! I'm with friend 2

It would be better if on your next date, with whatever man, you're clear from the outset.
Explain that you have certain ideas about gender roles and think that the man should always offer to pay and take the lion's share financially.
That way there's no misunderstanding.

So many women find it a turn off if the man doesn’t pay. But for some reason feel it is fine for them not to. Very odd. You should have said.

it was only the second date, he’d already bought you drinks. He expected to have to pay for golf, or his share, so going halves on dinner seemed fine to me. I mean you didn’t even like each other and you still expected him to pay for you. 😂

Absolutely. Sitting with your hand out silently seething is really not very classy. Just be up front. You’re tight and want a man to pay for you.

My thoughts exactly!

Exactly this. We have been asking for and expecting equality with men for many, many years, and I really don't think you can pick and choose around this. If we are all equal we all take our turn to pay for things. And don't forget - men and women can both end up going on a lot of first (and second) dates when online dating; if a man is expected to pay every time it really can mount up for someone on a average income.

I do, however, agree with previous posters advising sticking to a simple coffee/glass of wine/walk for the first couple of dates - don't start paying out for meals or activities until you get to know someone a bit better.

Good luck anyway op - it's a bit of a minefield out there!

I wouldn’t have paid anything in advance for a second date activity. Keep it casual, light. Find out if you are both interested.

Generosity breeds generosity.
I used to offer to pay for the full date when dating. My dates always refused me and paid for the full date themselves.

I wouldn’t date somebody who didn’t pay for the first few dates. YANBU

Do you mean you each pay for yourself?

No.

Personally, I tried to be 50/50 on costs on dates, though with some flexibility.

This ^^

Online dating has also been a game changer I think, because why should women get to go on lots of different dates with lots of different men, and expect to be paid for?

Those same men going on the same amount of dates, would be totally skint by the end of the month, while she's scrounging meals and drinks from anyone willing to pay.

It's embarrassing and gives women a bad name.

I had something similar with a guy I was dating earlier this year.
First date he paid. I was abit embarrassed, but it was nice and I thanked him!
Second date we went to golf and tea. I paid for golf (didn't mind paying at all), I also bought us an ice cream. Then when we got to the food place ( wasn't a restaurant, just fast food) he ordered his and paid and left me to do mine! Part of me didn't mind as I don't expect someone to always pay for me.... but it also made me feel abit weird 🙈

I think my verdict is that payments are always a bit awkward when you don't really know someone. Both parties probably feel weird and unsure. At date 2 you aren't going to know about the other persons finical pressures! But I get that it feels weird and uncomfortable. Maybe next time just say soemthing like "do you fancy golf? It's my treat as you bought dinner last time". Or soemthing like that so everyone knows what's what!

(Not directed at OP but all those who think men should pay by default)

If he paid - what are you "trading" - because that's what it comes down to.

Friends, colleagues, team-mates spilt costs evenly. People you've met once or twice and don't want to see again, randoms you meet at an event, friends of friends - split evenly.

Unequal splits are usually because there's an unequal relationship. (parent/child, boss/ his/her team, customer / supplier) or because you get something in return, (I pay dinner but we're staying at your house so free accommodation). So - what are you trading?

Women will never be treated as equals unless they act as equals.

(But hey - five dates a week and you never have to pay for dinner!)

This is so sad.
So sad that we women have duped ourselves into thinking that we should be going Dutch.

Goes to show how little we know about gender equity.
It never was about Man vs Woman ie. " I shouldn't expect a man to pay because he's a man".

You SHOULD expect him to pay because He in most cases:
Asked you out
He likely is not affected by the Pink tax.
He likely down the line will expect you to to be his therapist
He likely down the line will depend on your emotional and mental labour (all unpaid) to keep the relationship going
He likely will not go on any form of contraception like the Pill which alters your body, possibly your fertility.
He likely will progress through his career quicker than yours, especially if you have children.
He likely won't be called by the school teachers when the kids are sick.
He likely will weaponise his incompetence when it comes to domestic labour because "you're just better at it"
Domestic labour is never really equal is it?
He likely will earn more over his lifetime than you will
He likely does not spend his money on skincare products and hairdye because a man going grey is looked upon as a silver fox, whereas a woman going grey as unkept. Good skincare is not cheap! Bras anyone? Menopause anyone?

Why do we think we are equal??
We're not. We have Equal Value. We bring different things to a relationship dynamic but there is no equity. Equity must come before Equality can be achieved.

Splitting the bill looks fair on the surface but it does not take into account the hidden costs of being a woman. It just doesn't.

We don't owe them anything. Dating is not transactional. If he pays and thinks he's getting something in return- that's on him. Don't think that you have to pay otherwise he'll feel like you owe him.

I mean don't take the piss either; a polite invitation for a second round of drinks or coffee or car park-fine.

But I would not book things in the early stages. They should be courting you. The effort may well drop off a cliff months after, and all for what? a couple of burgers? Because it is not like for like. The value you bring to a relationship may be very difficult to quantify.

Just look at how often women complain about their partners after a very long time together. Do you think Dadsnet is as busy as Mumsnet? How many different threads are on this bearing the brunt of the inlaws, health, the kids, the exes, the pets, the garden, the bills, the holidays, the OW, Domestic Violence, Christmas. It goes on!

For burgers and a pint. Wow.

He'd see through you by the second date though surely?

I mean when your hand is firmly out of your purse, or you're dashing to the loo when the bill comes out?

It's like shame has become a thing of the past on this subject sometimes.

For years we’ve been fighting for women to be treated as equals to men so why should dating be any different.

It’s just interesting that all the things we can now cheer ourselves for being ‘equal’ in, are things that aren’t to our benefit. Whereas were yet to make progress in things that would be - proper maternity leave, childcare being valued, better pregnancy and birth care etc.

Men must be laughing at us tbh.

I don't think it especially matters. The whole thing sounds more like something I'd do with a friend and you had no chemistry with him

I think if you'd really fancied each other, the paying thing wouldn't have bothered you so much 🤷‍♀️

Do you really think that you got the equality?

Which one exactly? Biological? Economic? Social? Political?

Equality or not, there's no need to be a ponce, ever.

If you can't afford to go on a date, either don't go or suggest a walk in the park.

Well put indeed!

Was he going to pay for the golf or go halves 🤔
If you are seeing him for a 3rd date, maybe see how it goes.
For me I couldn't do it, but I admit I'm a bit high maintenance and traditional. Totally respect people may not have much spare money and dates do add up!

He did nothing wrong. You sound very tight, petty and entitled.

I'm cringing for you, you can't seriously expect him to pay for the first few dates.

Ridiculous.