Paying on second date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

I agree, quite mean of him that he can't even buy you a burger and chips, and it's only the 2nd date and he's measuring up what he has and hasn't paid for. He's a tight arse by the sound of it, good thing you're not seeing him again

Yeah, people who thought like that didn't tend to get a second date, and that didn't hurt my love life.

(I'm bi by the way, and none of this is limited to heterosexual dating. There's plenty of gay men who expect to be treated like royalty too.)

Totally agree. This is a meeting of virtual strangers so quoting future babies and going grey to justify expecting someone to pay for your food and drink is an excuse to pretend they’re not entitled.

I think it’s more sad that women have had relationships with poor quality men who didn’t pull their weight tbh and use that to scrounge off of other men.

I'm with friend one. I would expect him to offer to pay next time though because you paid for everything this time....if he doesn't offer that's when you start worrying

I think that you are oversimplifying things and therefore completely missing the point.
Also, labelling women who think differently scroungers and grabby is misogynistic and your posts on this thread are unpleasant to read with lots of judgmental wording.

Bit mean to just buy his own burger yep tight!

But who did he think had paid for the golf?

Did he think it was free? Assuming he didn't think this then it must have been obvious that OP had paid, otherwise how would they have been able to play?

slightly misses point of thread

Burger was before golf - he didn't know at that point that Golf was pre-paid.

@burnoutbabe

Thank you.

That'll teach me to skim read!!

I actually think the issue is a lot of people. Men and women can’t actually afford to date. It racks up. Going out for dinner, drinks, activities. Before you even know if the relationship is a go . And that’s on top of any normal social activity.

so some women have climbed back to the old I like a man to pay, rather than simply say Its making me skint,I want to date but it costs a lot. And of course men, absolutely should not be paying for every woman he goes on a date with, that would be the preserve of the wealthy.

on line dating mean folks go on lots of dates,and the price adds up, so paying becomes a sore point, like in this situation.

I'd have just said 'OK, l'll pay for the golf tickets and you can get the burgers'. I don't understand why you'd assume he'd just know what you wanted/expected from him, or why he'd be aware that you'd paid when you made the golf booking.

surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?

I personally think that's an attitude that belongs in the 1950s. But clearly if it's important to you, then it's perfectly find for you to ditch a man who doesn't agree with you on that! It doesn't matter what your friends, or Mumsnetters, thinks because they're not the ones going on the dates.

Either way - you didn't fancy him anyway in the end, so no harm done!

This.

Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?

You are old fashioned. I mean, REALLY old fashioned. When I was dating during the 1980s I wouldn't expect someone to pay just because he had a penis.
I very much am able to pay my way thorough life, and, when I was on my uppers, I wouldn't go to something I couldn't afford.

Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

Why are you horrified at the thought of doing an activity you wanted to do, costing you £50 for the evening, but yet saying that had you gone for dinner, that he ought to have bought you dinner, which, I suspect generally is something that would come to £50 or more if 2 people go out to dinner

Tis funny how MN appears to be so modern saying how its an outdated notion that men should pay for dates, meanwhile we have Love Island 2024 on TV every night where men must "graft" to win their women, with one lady keeping on describing herself as "the prize". The world hasnt moved on as much as some people think.

I’m not missing the point at all. And as for misogyny- give me a break I’m equally scathing towards freeloading men.

You think I’m judgemental - I’d say honest. I’m too long in the tooth to sugar coat it.

The day we use love island as a barometer for society is the day we should all give up.

But as an older woman it depresses me that this generation of women seem to have gone backwards in terms of their foremothers fight for equality.

It does to me. If I’m going to have a relationship with a man and have babies with him I want to see a demonstration of generosity, the sort of person who doesn’t split every penny and get hung up on his money/her money. Because women take financial hits due to maternity leave whether they want to or not.

You spent £50 in total for golf, a burger plus a few drinks on the first night, this sounds about right.

I couldnt agree more about love island, but if you look at it as a study of modern women is it really that far off? Fake hair, lips, eyelashes aren't unusual and are within the reach of most at that demographic. Fake teeth and plastic surgery less so, but it's what many aspire to. But regardless, the premise of the show is that men must compete to win their female rather than the other way round, and that then translates to the onus on the man to pull his finger out, ergo pay for dates.

Tbf I wouldn't have particularly known crazy golf is paid on booking. It's definitely not something everyone knows for certain

I'd have just said 'OK, l'll pay for the golf tickets and you can get the burgers'. I don't understand why you'd assume he'd just know what you wanted/expected from him, or why he'd be aware that you'd paid when you made the golf booking.

This.

I usually like active dates so if I suggest an activity for a date I will usually say something like "I've got the golf covered and you can get the meal." or something like that. I usually end up paying more but I don't really care, unless we've gone on many dates and it seems like i'm being taken advantage of. If I start tit for tatting then I know its dead in the water at that point.

Again, what equality are we talking about?
You may strive for some sort of semblance of equality if you do not have kids. But even then you are not equal.
However, throw kids in the mix and then tell me about equality.
We cannot ignore biology, patriarchy, reality...
Paying for a coffee on the first date will not make you equal, but it may point you in the right direction to save yourself a lot of headache.

I’ve got an adult son and all arrangements regards financials etc were split between his father and I. We had a joint bank account and shared household tasks.

Ive never been in a relationship like some of the unequal ones I read about on here .

However I still don’t agree that any of this is relevant to expecting a stranger to stick his hand in his pocket to feed and water you. I think it is entitled and you don’t - it’s not something we will ever agree on.

Absolutely

If ‘fighting for equality’ means paying for his drinks while accepting further down the line I have to be paid less on maternity leave, I don’t want it 🤷🏼‍♀️

What possible relationship between paying for a man’s drink and maternity pay is there?