Paying on second date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

@Frogandfish maybe that’s a possibility tho he has messaged me since.
@CalicoPusscat thank you :-)
@CroftonWillow it doesnt matter really as the kiss wasn’t sparky. I was asking more about people’s experiences on who pays for date 2

I’m old fashioned about dating. I would not have suggested or booked anything. I would have let him do it and let him pay. If he’d have asked me to pay I’d have paid but not seen him again.

In today's society I think it's fair to assume every date 'you go Dutch'..

Never spend money until it's clear who is paying for what especially so early on and at the dating stage.

Regarding your dates as he didn't know about the payment for crazy golf I think it was fair that you paid for your meal. I have more of an issue with him not picking up your order while he did his but then again perhaps I am used to how my DH and all men from his culture take care of women.

Jesus you sound painful! Why are you now discounting the first date when he did insist on paying?

Absolutely agree. If they insist on paying it’s a nice thing but shouldn’t be an expectation.

I’ve never understood that a man impressing on a date is about his getting his wallet out rather than anything else. First few dates you’re random strangers so I’d always offer to pay my way.

I like paying my way/getting my round/going dutch, but in my experience guys tend to 'treat' more at the beginning of a relationship and I like it that way.

I then tend to invest more after about date four. I would never expect a man to pay for dinner/drinks all the time within a relationship. I realise that this expectation might make it expensive for men who date a lot, but in that case they should probably do cheap/inexpensive dates to begin with to see if there's a spark.

It would have been nice/polite if he paid both food. Surely he would know with golf if you pre book its fully paid up. Def tight!

I think it's more important to pay your way the first few dates. Leaves no 'expectations' on the other side.
In your circumstances I'd have said 'I've booked and paid for the golf will you pay for the dinner'? And burgers sounds very reasonable for a mini golf evening. Though personally I wouldn't book an activity so soon - I'd want the know them better first so a lunch or another coffee/drinks for second date. Golf takes a couple hours, dinner at least another hour - too much!

But everyone knows you can't book without paying! That's what booking is!

I agree. Personally I think food and activities are not good ideas for early dates as think they get in the way of conversation flowing

I refuse both until I’m sure it’s something I want to pursue. Just drinks and chats for first few dates is far better and neither party over invests emotionally or financially

Many places take a deposit so he might have thought he’d be paying the rest on arrival.

But with lack of communication on both sides there was no way of knowing

I go in expecting 50-50 for first few dates. For years we’ve been fighting for women to be treated as equals to men so why should dating be any different. They’ll impress me by being respectful, communicating well and being emotionally available and intelligent.

So many dates don’t progress to anything due to no spark - why should the onus be on the man for paying for all the first dates that don’t progress to a relationship?

I think it's just these sort of topics that help predict the future of a relationship. How is it handled, how is it discussed, etc. Personally, when I was dating, I preferred to keep it all square so that no one felt taken advantage of. But that's just one way of going about it. Essentially, you're both participating in an experiment, the focus of which is to see if you're suitable for one another. How you both navigate something as relatively simple as this helps to predict the future.

Buying your own burger and chips. That's really what it boils down to. You object to spending what, less than 20 quid on your own food?
I'm afraid that makes you look mad unreasonable.

I agree with friend 1. I wouldn't expect a man to pay for a meal just because they're a man. I think it'd have been better for you to say "as I've paid for the golf, do you mind getting the meal?"

This

His cluelessness would have given me the ick. We all want different things from a potential partner, I'd want someone who'd think this through.

If you have the ick, now is the time to text and say you're not feeling it and move on.

I think it is just another example of your difference, you didn't get anything from the kiss either, so it's wise not to continue.
Had the kiss been a wow moment, it would of been reasonable to see how subsequent dates went. You'd find out soon enough if it was just clumsy miscommunication in the moment.

Think it's whatever YOU'RE comfortable with..some couples split bills some dont... i mean even when married etc... its how u personally think it should be. So better be with someone on the same line if u see what i mean. By me its whoever has the money will pay when we're going somewhere or ordering takeaway. Its super weird for me splitting the money i dont know why, i really hate splitting, i rather just pay it all. And he can cover what he can afford then or buy for the kids sometime with the money he has.
On other hand my best friends been with hers for like 20 years and they always split , and I'm talking going out for just coffee, each pays their own😅i dont know. Different people

You could do free things or cheaper things in the future for dates

OP, I would go with friend no. 2.

This is not really about money in terms of cost of things and who ended up being out of pocket.

Who pays what and how people handle money is very telling and it does give good indication as to what you can expect later on.

I was never shy of paying and I would still offer to pay of course, but I do see things differently now and I've realised the importance of whether they offer to pay or accept the offer to go Dutch or even try to avoid paying.
Of course, it is not always so clear cut, but if you give them a bit of time, you will understand what they are like pretty soon.

Financial abuse in a marriage or a relationship with kids is not something I would wish upon anyone. Unfortunately lots of women have been sold this 50/50 cock-and-bull story which leads them right down the path of financial abuse.
There is no such thing as 50/50 when it comes to men and women.

Friend One is correct.
The man is not a tight arse. He's already shown he's prepared to pay for certain things, and there was a misunderstanding.
I don't think you're "old fashioned", I think you have certain ideas about gender roles, which you may think are appropriate, but others do not. Why should the man always pay?
You're an independent woman, earning money.
You're sharing a social occasion.
He shouldn't have to pay for everything.

I agree.

Yes, that would have been better.