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Original poster

Paying on second date?

227 replies

notamumyet2010 · 17/06/2024 09:49

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

OP posts:
Deebee90 · 17/06/2024 13:19

Glad he got away from you . This isn’t the old days people go Dutch. Frankly if you are expecting him to pay then you aren’t ready to be dating. Don’t be tight-fisted it’s not a good look.

thefoolorg · 17/06/2024 13:19

Friend one is right. No communication between you both.

as a rule of thumb I pay my way in dates. Date 1 if the guy offers to pay, I will only let him if I want to see him again. Then I will get date 2.

DP he got first date, next date I got. Third date was a day out with lunch and dinner. We got one each. We then ended in a weird you got last time so I will get this time scenario.

we now have an entertainment kitty top up. We do this as he gets laid double of me and likes lovely food. But his tastes are expensive and I couldn’t afford it much

thefoolorg · 17/06/2024 13:20

To add to that. I like nice food and places. He would have paid for everything, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I like to pay my way.

Clearinguptheclutter · 17/06/2024 13:23

Friend one. He didn’t know that you had paid for the golf and acknowledged this later on.

Zzbutton · 17/06/2024 13:25

You don’t need answers on here to know yourself he was tight. Total turn off.

watermelonsugar56 · 17/06/2024 13:25

Red flag imo. He should be paying x

Bewareofthisonetoo · 17/06/2024 13:29

Deebee90 · 17/06/2024 13:19

Glad he got away from you . This isn’t the old days people go Dutch. Frankly if you are expecting him to pay then you aren’t ready to be dating. Don’t be tight-fisted it’s not a good look.

This.
OLD has changed the landscape -you can’t coyly describe yourself as ‘old -fashioned’ if you are participating in a thoroughly modern pastime.
People date multiple people / tight and hypocritical to expect the man to pay everything.

SamW98 · 17/06/2024 13:30

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 17/06/2024 13:00

I wouldn’t date somebody who didn’t pay for the first few dates. YANBU

Why should someone else be expected to bankroll your social life?

SamW98 · 17/06/2024 13:35

datcherygrateful · 17/06/2024 13:09

This is so sad.
So sad that we women have duped ourselves into thinking that we should be going Dutch.

Goes to show how little we know about gender equity.
It never was about Man vs Woman ie. " I shouldn't expect a man to pay because he's a man".

You SHOULD expect him to pay because He in most cases:
Asked you out
He likely is not affected by the Pink tax.
He likely down the line will expect you to to be his therapist
He likely down the line will depend on your emotional and mental labour (all unpaid) to keep the relationship going
He likely will not go on any form of contraception like the Pill which alters your body, possibly your fertility.
He likely will progress through his career quicker than yours, especially if you have children.
He likely won't be called by the school teachers when the kids are sick.
He likely will weaponise his incompetence when it comes to domestic labour because "you're just better at it"
Domestic labour is never really equal is it?
He likely will earn more over his lifetime than you will
He likely does not spend his money on skincare products and hairdye because a man going grey is looked upon as a silver fox, whereas a woman going grey as unkept. Good skincare is not cheap! Bras anyone? Menopause anyone?

Why do we think we are equal??
We're not. We have Equal Value. We bring different things to a relationship dynamic but there is no equity. Equity must come before Equality can be achieved.

Splitting the bill looks fair on the surface but it does not take into account the hidden costs of being a woman. It just doesn't.

We don't owe them anything. Dating is not transactional. If he pays and thinks he's getting something in return- that's on him. Don't think that you have to pay otherwise he'll feel like you owe him.

I mean don't take the piss either; a polite invitation for a second round of drinks or coffee or car park-fine.

But I would not book things in the early stages. They should be courting you. The effort may well drop off a cliff months after, and all for what? a couple of burgers? Because it is not like for like. The value you bring to a relationship may be very difficult to quantify.

Just look at how often women complain about their partners after a very long time together. Do you think Dadsnet is as busy as Mumsnet? How many different threads are on this bearing the brunt of the inlaws, health, the kids, the exes, the pets, the garden, the bills, the holidays, the OW, Domestic Violence, Christmas. It goes on!

For burgers and a pint. Wow.

So every man we go for a drink or two with should bankroll us because of hypothetical scenarios many years in the future?

Right oh then.

Pinkbits · 17/06/2024 13:36

Sounds a genuine mistake. Next time be crafty if you book something, e.g. say "that's the golf booked and paid for" then he'll know the you've stumped up for it.

In this case he should have paid for date 2 as date 1 was only cheap.

FreeezePeach · 17/06/2024 13:36

thefoolorg · 17/06/2024 13:20

To add to that. I like nice food and places. He would have paid for everything, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I like to pay my way.

Yes, this is called self respect.

I'm cringing for some of the scroungers on here.

Original poster
notamumyet2010 · 17/06/2024 13:38

Thank you everyone for your opinions, is def an interesting subject and people seem to have lots of different opinions.
And a special thanks to everyone who has called me tight-it’s given me and my friends a right laugh, including the friend who thinks I’m in the wrong for not saying I paid for the golf.
I def have learnt from this, not to rush into booking things so quickly and communicate better.
If I really liked him….I dont know what I would do now as it was a massive ick seeing him ordering his own food next to me. Rightly or wrongly I didn’t like it! If that makes me right, grabby and anything else I have been called on this thread, I can live with that.
Take care.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 17/06/2024 13:39

FreeezePeach · 17/06/2024 13:36

Yes, this is called self respect.

I'm cringing for some of the scroungers on here.

Show quote history

Honestly so many pull out the ‘old fashioned’ card only when it’s about thinking ownership of a penis equals being a cashpoint whilst being happy for equality the rest of the time.

It would be more honest to say ‘I’m grabby and entitled’ - at least that’s upfront.

  • not aimed at you OP but some of the responses are cringey
MaryMaryVeryContrary · 17/06/2024 13:42

SamW98 · 17/06/2024 13:39

Honestly so many pull out the ‘old fashioned’ card only when it’s about thinking ownership of a penis equals being a cashpoint whilst being happy for equality the rest of the time.

It would be more honest to say ‘I’m grabby and entitled’ - at least that’s upfront.

  • not aimed at you OP but some of the responses are cringey
Edited
Show quote history

But we don’t have equality the rest of the time do we? And we never will; as we carry and birth babies.

Earthlypowers · 17/06/2024 13:44

SamW98 · 17/06/2024 13:39

Honestly so many pull out the ‘old fashioned’ card only when it’s about thinking ownership of a penis equals being a cashpoint whilst being happy for equality the rest of the time.

It would be more honest to say ‘I’m grabby and entitled’ - at least that’s upfront.

  • not aimed at you OP but some of the responses are cringey
Edited
Show quote history

"Equality the rest of the time?"
😂😂😂

SamW98 · 17/06/2024 13:46

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 17/06/2024 13:42

But we don’t have equality the rest of the time do we? And we never will; as we carry and birth babies.

Show quote history

And again why should someone you’ve just met bankroll your social life?

burnoutbabe · 17/06/2024 13:47

Corinthiana · 17/06/2024 12:42

It would be better if on your next date, with whatever man, you're clear from the outset.
Explain that you have certain ideas about gender roles and think that the man should always offer to pay and take the lion's share financially.
That way there's no misunderstanding.

And probably no date!

Friend 1 is correct. Should be 50/50 and die to a miscommunication you failed to say that you'd paid for the bowling clearly.

Thus got the ick and no wonder the kiss wasn't good. Why would you kiss someone you already got the ick with?

Gabbsters · 17/06/2024 13:49

datcherygrateful · 17/06/2024 13:09

This is so sad.
So sad that we women have duped ourselves into thinking that we should be going Dutch.

Goes to show how little we know about gender equity.
It never was about Man vs Woman ie. " I shouldn't expect a man to pay because he's a man".

You SHOULD expect him to pay because He in most cases:
Asked you out
He likely is not affected by the Pink tax.
He likely down the line will expect you to to be his therapist
He likely down the line will depend on your emotional and mental labour (all unpaid) to keep the relationship going
He likely will not go on any form of contraception like the Pill which alters your body, possibly your fertility.
He likely will progress through his career quicker than yours, especially if you have children.
He likely won't be called by the school teachers when the kids are sick.
He likely will weaponise his incompetence when it comes to domestic labour because "you're just better at it"
Domestic labour is never really equal is it?
He likely will earn more over his lifetime than you will
He likely does not spend his money on skincare products and hairdye because a man going grey is looked upon as a silver fox, whereas a woman going grey as unkept. Good skincare is not cheap! Bras anyone? Menopause anyone?

Why do we think we are equal??
We're not. We have Equal Value. We bring different things to a relationship dynamic but there is no equity. Equity must come before Equality can be achieved.

Splitting the bill looks fair on the surface but it does not take into account the hidden costs of being a woman. It just doesn't.

We don't owe them anything. Dating is not transactional. If he pays and thinks he's getting something in return- that's on him. Don't think that you have to pay otherwise he'll feel like you owe him.

I mean don't take the piss either; a polite invitation for a second round of drinks or coffee or car park-fine.

But I would not book things in the early stages. They should be courting you. The effort may well drop off a cliff months after, and all for what? a couple of burgers? Because it is not like for like. The value you bring to a relationship may be very difficult to quantify.

Just look at how often women complain about their partners after a very long time together. Do you think Dadsnet is as busy as Mumsnet? How many different threads are on this bearing the brunt of the inlaws, health, the kids, the exes, the pets, the garden, the bills, the holidays, the OW, Domestic Violence, Christmas. It goes on!

For burgers and a pint. Wow.

Or find a man who isn't like this and split things fairly?

OP, I think there are two things happening here- 1) miscommunication about who paid for golf; 2) mismatched expectations about who should be paying for things. He's aiming for 50-50 (but missed because he didn't realise you'd paid ahead) but you don't want 50-50.

Sounds like you're not well-matched. You're allowed to want a man who pays for everything in order to impress you and there are plenty of men out there who also prefer this. That doesn't mean this chap is a tight arse (if anything you are the outlier, not him), just that you have different expectations.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 17/06/2024 14:05

I'm with friend 2 - and if that makes me grabby, tight and a scrounger, then so be it.

You suggested activities, he chose which one he wanted to do, and you funded it. Great, fine.

He suggested dinner, chose where, and then left you to pay for something you didn't particularly want in the first place.

I can't imagine going to a burger place i'd invited someone else to and just ordering my own. Very off putting.

Pinkbonbon · 17/06/2024 14:10

Of course he knows you paid for the crazy golf! Because there was only the 2 of you at it and he didn't pay!

So mentioning 'oh you paid' AFTER you got food... yeah, he's a bullshitter.

He's a chancer. Throw this one back.

Pinkbits · 17/06/2024 14:13

Anyway, regardless of who paid for the golf, what sort of a man orders for himself only at the burger place? Im assuming he was in front of you in line and he didnt turn round to ask what you wanted? Or he ushered you ahead of him in the queue. Its not chivalrous at all.

Bobbotgegrinch · 17/06/2024 14:32

I never understand why people expect not to go dutch early in dating.

I don't even know if I like you yet, why on earth would I pay for your night out? You're not doing me a favour by dating me, we're both looking for a nice night out / relationship (depending on how it goes). I'm looking for someone who actually likes me, not someone who see's me as an opportunity for a free meal. We're both after the same thing, so lets start on an even footing and go from there.

Admittedly I've been out of the dating scene for 17 years, so it may have all changed since the advent of Tinder etc., but nothing used to put me off someone quicker than a "Oh, you're not paying?" when I mentioned going dutch

ShowerOfShites · 17/06/2024 14:32

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 17/06/2024 13:42

But we don’t have equality the rest of the time do we? And we never will; as we carry and birth babies.

Show quote history

This has bugger all to do with poncing food and drinks off people.

Pinkbits · 17/06/2024 14:40

I don't even know if I like you yet, why on earth would I pay for your night out? You're not doing me a favour by dating me.

Women hold the cards when it comes to dating and sex. It's the way of the world. They are doing you a favour.

datcherygrateful · 17/06/2024 14:43

But what is fairly?

50/50 is not looking past the disparities. I think it's a way of acknowledging the extra burdens women often carry- it's a nice gesture that they recognise the broader societal disparities. That being said, relationships SHOULD evolve into partnerships and labour inputs can be adjusted accordingly to ensure proper fairness. But on the first few dates? It's no big ask to pay for the date.

True fairness is not 50/50. It's not down the middle. Women start from a very different place than men. It's a fact.

We often start from different places. This is not about being unfair to men. Saying that men bankroll women is a silly exaggeration. It's not financing a life style. It's being cognisant that there are inequities beyond the dinner table.

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