Paying on second date?

[notamumyet2010]

Hi everyone. Really interested to hear opinions on the following as I have 2 friends with two very different opinions.
I went on a second date last night with a guy I’ve been speaking to for about a month (OLD).
First date was drinks, he paid, I offered to get the second one he said no it was fine. I had one alcohol drink and one soft drink. He had 2 soft drinks.
We then made plans for last night. I suggested a few different types of activities as I think it’s a good way to spend time with someone and he agreed to crazy golf. He asked about dinner beforehand and I agreed and he said about getting a burger somewhere. I have to admit that wasn’t quite what I had in mind but whatever.
I booked the golf (£28) and here’s where I went wrong. I assumed as I paid for that he would pay for the burger. But although I told him I had booked the golf, I didn’t actually say I had paid. There is no way of booking it without paying and most things you pay when booking in my experience!
Anyway we walk into the burger place and it’s very clear very quickly we are ordering and paying for our own. I have to admit I was floored! This is date two-we haven’t even kissed at this point and he can’t get me a burger and fries?
Straight away I feel a massive ick. Call me old fashioned but surely the first meal you have together it’s nice for the guy to pay?
Anyway we eat and go over to the golf place. I check us in and he says “Oh you paid, if I had known that I would have got your dinner”
I didn’t know what to say at this point so stupidly just said oh don’t worry.
So all in all this second date cost me nearly £50!

So friend one-
Its my fault for not telling him I had paid for the golf, men shouldn’t pay for everything and I have too high expectations

Friend two-
He is a tight arse and if he can’t fund a burger and chips on date two, god knows what he will be like in 6 months time.

It actually doesn’t matter as I’m not going to see him again as I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me, it wasn’t a very good kiss in my mind.

But that aside-what do you lot think? And I out of order for this? I just think if he really cared about the fact I paid for the golf and my dinner he could have asked for my bank details to send me the money to cover even just his game?

Really interested to read others opinions.
Thanks :-)

This.
It's a running joke about me buying my own cake and coffee on our first date. I could have stormed out of the coffee shop and decorated him all sorts of things but I've got a lovely husband of eleven years, three kids, he's not tight just careful and he is generous when it counts.

I'm all for seeing red flags but no one is perfect, not even women on old.

I’m a woman who mostly dates women and now I’m wondering if there’s some generous male benefactor who should pay for my dates so the women aren’t expected to pay? 🤣

What a tight arse

I will never understand entitled women who think men should fund their dates. Wtaf?
Maybe 50 years ago when we were expected to be home makers and men were the earners. Now, it's just selfish, sexist and old fashioned.

Women who want their dates funded give me "the ick".

You're both on the date to see how you get along and have a good time. It's mutually beneficial. You're not doing him a favour.

I'm paying for myself because in a grown up with a job and not a sponge. Ta.

Dating according to some MN posters

Totally agree with PP that the tradition of men paying back in the 50’s/60’s was because most men hugely out earned women and the majority of women did lower paid jobs then stopped working when they married/had kids.

The world has moved on massively since those days. Especially with OLD where many are older and more established. It’s absolutely insane to think a virtual stranger should fund your food and drink bill the first time you ever meet and I honestly cringe that there’s women who sit there and don’t even take their purse out when the bill arrives or let the guy go back to the bar several times while they just sit thinking ‘well I’ve dressed nicely so he should pay for the privilege of my company’ - it’s embarrassing that anyone thinking like that in 2024.

Im not saying that sometimes it’s nice if they pay but at least offer ffs. It’s the bare faced entitlement of he ‘must’ pay or I won’t see him again and the cheek to then call him tight that is beyond my understanding.

And the fact that at sometime in the future they might have a baby as a reason to take from random strangers - well sort out your shit with your partner when you get serious with regards finances and chores etc. That's got sweet FA to do with a man buying you dinner - it’s an excuse to justify grabbiness imo

You sound quite difficult.

you invite him to do an activity - crazy golf - which you book & pay for but you expect him to be a mind reader because you only tell him you have booked it.

He suggests getting a burger beforehand, you want a meal but not that meal but don’t tell him that. Burger seems like the perfect sort of meal before crazy golf, what did you expect?

When he realised that you had paid for the golf he offered to pay his share and you told him not to but are now complaining about him.

I don’t think the man “should” pay for the meal, sure it’s nice if he does but why should he? I think you should each pay your own way. You can go halves or alternate Who pays.

Good thing he didn't pay. I think its out of order women thinking that men should be wining and dining them and what for in the end as you are not sticking around.

When i met my husband nearly 20 years ago he was earning 3 x what i was on and he offered to pay but at the same time he could see that i was committed. I went on dates with other guys where i paid 50/50.

I feel bad for the next generation of men who are trying to navigate this new landscape of women who say they want equality but they are selective as if it involves buying them dinner then that's different but men need to step up and do everything that women do and some more and pay for the privilege too. Your post comes across as grabby and entitled and on top of that you weren't clear on your expectations. Why you said its ok and then begrudged it is a you issue and not his issue.

I am firmly with friend one. Holding on to an expectation of men to pay while dating is used to justify misogyny and unreasonable expectations by men who want to see us as lesser.

Be clear and upfront about these things, saves a lot of hassle.

Get over your immature 'ick' and learn a lesson here about clear communication.

I think it's lovely when a man pays for dinner BUT times have changed.

Dating now is almost a hobby to some and I guess if you're a man going out on numerous first/second dates looking for 'miss right' then it would cost a fortune.

Sad that online dating etc has changed things.

I agree with you, super unattractive! Of course we shouldn't expect a man to pay BUT if they cant even offer it shows how tight they are let's be honest. I recently got out of a relationship like this, I was relieved when we paid separately so I didn't have to pay it all 🤣 he wasn't for you, forget and move on.

I’m with friend one. Firstly we live in a modern equal society so why should anyone assume that men should have to pay? That’s deeply old fashioned and sexist.
Secondly, you should have been more upfront about paying for the golf.
Thirdly, it’s only the start of something that may not go anywhere, so isn’t it fair that splitting the bills should be the norm?

friend one. Why should a man pay for second date? And I take issue with someone who said "if a man cant afford to date then he shouldnt" because the same applies regardless of the gender of the people involved.

You should have been clear. Sound petty to me.

Love your post, it defines a woman's position in life clearly.

My first experience of online dating we met at a bar on a beach.
Both of us drove there so we only had one soft drink each, he paid, and then we went for a walk on the beach.
The second date we went out for a meal and split the bill between the 2 of us.
If he offered to pay I would have said thank you but it didn't bother me at all that we split the bill.
I would never write someone off just because they wouldn't pay for a meal on a second date. I would always go to a date expecting to pay for myself because that early on I have no idea of the other person's financial situation.
We have now been together 14 years, are married and have a child and are really happy.
Who cares who paid for the meal on the 2nd date.

My first date was two rounds of soft drinks (we paid for one round each) and we shared a packet of crisps.
Second date we played badminton which I got for free with my gym membership and then I cooked Spag Bol.
My now DH was skint when we started dating.
Nearly 30 years later he earned 200k per (just before retiring at 55) and is unbelievable generous.
I am very happy we had a third date and we married one year later.

You should have told him that you had paid for the golf, but it would have been good manners for him to offer something towards it.
On the subject of the man paying, I don't see why he should? The tradition stems from times when the male was in charge of finances, these days with both men and women working I would expect to pay my way. We can't fight for equality then complain about being treated as an equal!

This! Absolutely this

@74Violette Absolutely! If a man on a date thought he was a "gentleman" by insisting on paying for everything, that would be the last time I saw him! That's not being a "gentleman", that's belittling me as a woman.
I've never needed man, I've chosen to invite one into my life.

This 💯

This type of thing is a litmus test for a guys caliber. Regardless of the finer details, its obvious that theres a issue with money. When a guy provides a good atmosphere for a quality date, its All taken care of but to be honest I find it quite strange that HE specified ' Burger and Chips' - ensuring HE wasnt at risk of too much expense!!!!!!! When he could have called it A Bite to eat rather than Dinner of Burger and Chips. He obviously didnt think you was worth more than a burger Sorry, you kissed A Frog.

This

Imagine how costly it must be to be a man dating when there’s still many women who expect them to pay. It would get very expensive, very quickly. He bought all the drinks on date 1, so you’re probably quits or thereabouts. Whether a man offers to pay on the first couple of dates isn’t something that would give me the ick as I don’t expect men to pay for me, and wouldn’t want a relationship where the man thinks he’s got to pay all the time. Not in 2024, maybe in my Nan’s era.

It's a fickle game as it sounds like even if he had spent a ton he would have been dumped anyway as "he was a bad kisser"

If they are doing crazy golf it's hardest a posh date so fancy burger first (five guys or honest burger) sounds about right beforehand.

It sounds to me like you’re just simply not compatible. You appear to be looking for someone thoughtful and generous, probably because you are those things. He (from this tiny piece of info) seems to be less organised and thoughtful.
I agree though that it’s sexist to expect men to pay and sets an unbalanced precedent, but that’s just me. Both parties should have ideas, plan and book things and be fun and welcoming.