Tell me about the final straw that spelt the end of your relationship

[Nightstarry]

Things have been bad between me and DH for a while. He’s increasingly snappy and aggressive as he gets older, I have a lot of resentment. He’s hardly ever kind to me anymore.

It wasn’t always this way. But just now I mentioned a medical issue I wanted to get checked out at the doctor. Didn’t say what the issue was, just that I needed to go to the GP. He nodded and went off to do something else. It struck me that if he still cared, he would have asked ‘are you ok/what is it?’ We are not ‘private’ with this sort of thing, and I’m not the type who is constantly visiting the doctor either.

It’s shit, isn’t it? Imagine reacting like that to a friend who said the same thing…you wouldn’t!

Obviously things have been bad for a while and this is the latest in a whole load of crappy behaviour, but this small moment has felt huge. I know some ‘final straw’ moments ARE huge - infidelity or violence, for example. But I’m interested if anyone experienced an episode like this that made you feel truly ‘done’? Tell me your stories!

When my ex-H threw a glass of water in my face.

funny how you put up with years of abuse and then it’s just one thing.

left two weeks later.

He / the state of our relationship made me cry uncontrollably in a public place on holiday.

He was not abusive and it was actually the best relationship I had ever had, but we weren’t right for each other. It was so so sad.

Thanks for sharing both, and sorry you went through bad times.

are you happier now?

Yes… but it’s been hard. I’m a totally different person. I don’t regret it, and I would never settle for someone who doesn’t love the absolute bones of me. I’d rather be single forever.

you are completely right to feel how you do when he has treated you with such a lack of care. And yes it may seem like a ‘small’ thing, but the expression the straw that broke the camel’s back is an expression for a reason.

feeling sad every day isn’t normal. Feeling deflated. Feeling ‘less than’. Feeling invisible.

He was gay!

It's a shame I was the last person to know

He lied to me , stole from me , used and abused my trust and our marriage vows , nearly ruined my professional reputation and then - after walking out and leaving our two very young sons and me destitute - repeatedly told them that I did not love them. He told them I was an unfit mother who had never loved them and that 'The Judge' would agree with him , would force me from our home and that they would never have to see me again .
His words and deeds (and the stalking , christ , the stalking) seriously damaged the three of us . That stuff goes in deep and I still loathe him for it .

He said something. In that moment I stopped loving him. I'm nearly divorced from him.

He wanted sex, I suddenly realised I never wanted sex with him again. I ended our very long marriage the following day.

I caught him out on a small lie but he talked to me like a was dumb is a slow voice.

He was used to getting away with some absolute whoppers that I just couldn’t prove.

I could prove this. He exploded when I proved he was lying. He called me cancer and that was the day my marriage ended.

When came to visit me in hospital on our 20th wedding anniversary and came empty handed and without even acknowledging it. When I challenged him about it he said he didn’t think we had anything to celebrate.

He ended the relationship with me becuase I went to the police about HIS abuse. I left and he acted like I was "mental".

I had just had our second baby. He had been odd for a while, not coming home ect but I was young and so worn down from him. Nye, baby was 3m and he started an argument because he wanted to go out with mates and made out I was mental for wanting to come too, we had childcare.
I spent the night with family, had a great time.
The following morning, I packed all his stuff. He didn't come back for a week, no contact, nothing.
When he turned up, I acted all nice, buzzed the door and put his bags outside and locked the door.
That was 12 years ago. He hasn't seen the kids since.
I'm remarried to an amazing man. The kids love him.

And yes I’m happier now. But it’s took a few years of processing why I stayed so long and building myself worth up. I can honestly say I’ve never felt so secure and happy in my life.

The book ‘too bad to stay too good to leave’ is a fantastic book to gauge if you r be happier leaving or working on it. I actually read it after I ended the marriage but I was only a quarter in when I knew I’d done the right thing - really recommend it.

I was in an abusive, very controlling marriage, had lost all my friends and was ashamed/baffled about it all.
One day he referred to my parents and told me with a sneer that they weren’t as good as I thought they were. Bing! Lightbulb moment!
My parents were amazing and that statement brought me to my senses and I moved out shortly after.

He got drunk and told the kids I was the worst decision he ever made and we were getting a divorce.
We had sex the night before this happened and I thought were working through our issues.
I felt so incredibly used. This was my final straw.
I filed a week and a half ago.

@Barefootsally Could you tell me the author of ‘Too bad to stay too good to leave’ please? Just so I pick the right one on Amazon.

Twice now he's racked up credit card debt. The first time his parents bailed him out.
The second time it'll be a shared debt of the marriage and come off the equity in the house. As it stands it's a relatively small amount so the sooner the better.

And whilst it's not done yet, there are 2 moments I knew there was no going back. He has a habit of taking to bed with a sniffle (think a weekend for a sore throat type thing). I came home from work one night after vomiting in the station having caught a bug from DD. I still had to do dinner, bath and bed.
The second is when a family member has been really poorly recently. I've been over at the hospital/care home and often get home to no dinner (its all batch cooked by me & frozen in portions of 3) and/or DD still running wild at 930. Fun times.

After years of verbal, physical and financial abuse the catalyst for me was when he said his dinner was disgusting, he didn't like the texture of the sausages, and threw it in the bin. I left the next week.

When he asked to borrow a quid. Yes a pound coin. £1.

He'd lied to me, had stollen a huge amount of money from my bank account that I'll never see again and spent most of our time together pleading poverty so I invariable ended up paying for things.

I found out he had a massive gambling habit, was in huge amounts of debt and on the brink of financial ruin. He nearly bankrupted me as I didn't know about the theft of my money until I started getting threatening letters through about unpaid services etc and the fact he hadn't paid the rent in months (it was a joint tenancy but I paid money into his account and he was supposed to pay the rent from there).

Anyway. We were in the process of trying to sort everything out, figuring out how we could try and repay all the debt he owed and have him pay me back then he asked to borrow a £1 for a coffee and in that moment everything died and I asked him to leave. I should've reported him to the police but I just wanted rid of him.

His parents eventually cleared all his debts (they didn't give me my money though). He found more women to rob, his parents rescued him again and I've recently heard he's done it again to some other poor woman to fund his gambling but his parents have no money left to bail him out so there's a threat he might go to prison. Karma is a bitch.

When, while driving me back from chemo, called me an ungrateful pig and he wished I’d rot in hell. Because I dared ask him why he was going a very strange route. This was all in front of our 2 year old DC 😔

We were on holidays with our 2 small children, they weren't behaving perfectly (can't remember details normal child stuff) he lied into bed at about 6pm in the evening at the campsite and said he wanted a divorce.. i decided then and there he would get it this time. He had threatened before. Few months later we separated.

I was coming to the realisation he was an alcoholic. He got so drunk at Christmas he couldn't do any of the things he promised me and then a few days after, when I'd recovered from flu and just wanted a glass of wine with my book, I found he'd drunk all my homemade gin plus the glass left in the bottle that was for me. I calmly walked into the lounge and told him it was over.

Classic

He punched me in the face and broke my nose. I was 20, 2 months pregnant and holding my 9 month old DD at the time. I waited for him to go to work the next morning, packed up everything I could carry on a bus and went the hour long journey to my parents. My Dad asked me if I wanted him and my mum to look after DD while I went to talk and sort things out with him!! DD1 and 2 are now 30 and 29, rarely see him and I finally gave up and ended my relationship with my parents 5 years ago!