Tell me about the final straw that spelt the end of your relationship

[Nightstarry]

Things have been bad between me and DH for a while. He’s increasingly snappy and aggressive as he gets older, I have a lot of resentment. He’s hardly ever kind to me anymore.

It wasn’t always this way. But just now I mentioned a medical issue I wanted to get checked out at the doctor. Didn’t say what the issue was, just that I needed to go to the GP. He nodded and went off to do something else. It struck me that if he still cared, he would have asked ‘are you ok/what is it?’ We are not ‘private’ with this sort of thing, and I’m not the type who is constantly visiting the doctor either.

It’s shit, isn’t it? Imagine reacting like that to a friend who said the same thing…you wouldn’t!

Obviously things have been bad for a while and this is the latest in a whole load of crappy behaviour, but this small moment has felt huge. I know some ‘final straw’ moments ARE huge - infidelity or violence, for example. But I’m interested if anyone experienced an episode like this that made you feel truly ‘done’? Tell me your stories!

30+ year back story, but the end point was when he couldn't be bothered to put the sausages I had cooked for him into the cut, buttered and plated buns and just sat there waiting for me.
It's amazing how something so trivial finally is the last straw.

The thing is, these are the men who are on dating apps, or now married to other women with children.

Yep. Mine was on dating apps for two years before I knew we were separating!

He’s now with a lovely younger woman who wants children. He tells me he’s keeping the child thing open but has no intention of having more. And tells me she’s a dick. Nice.

@ARichtGoodDram Oh God, the story about "she left me because I put ketchup in the fridge" is EXACTLY the sort of thing my STBEXH would do and say.

It's almost funny, but really not!

Many things were piling up, but probably the one thing that made me never want to look at him again was when DH threw out DS8's homemade cardboard castle that he'd made for a school competition. He was so proud of that castle, and he won a prize for it, and when we realised DH had thrown it out to make space for an armchair under the stairs (that he never bloody uses anyway) I could have cried, and I could see how disappointed he was as well. Inconsiderate git.

I was on a Hen do 50 miles away while he was at home and he rang me to ask did I know where the cats were 🤯
I replied I’m not fucking omniscient!

When we got together he seemed to be a capable grown up but the longer we were together the more he regressed into being a hapless toddler who needed constant looking after.
There were a few major things like running up debt after we’d paid off the last debt he’d run up
Hiding how much he earned so he could spend it on going out.
But the cosplaying a useless child so to get everything done for him killed any desire stone dead.

With my ex-husband (no kids)-
He never wanted to do anything ever. After years together I realised this and started to do things alone, go travelling etc. I found it lonely and was desperate for someone I could do it with. I'm a teacher so have good holidays. He was a firefighter so also had a lot of time off but just never wanted to do anything. I decided one summer to plan to do some travelling nearer to home so that he could come meet me on his days off. I had had the opportunity to go on an incredible trip abroad but knowing that we had been having some issues, I thought it would be better to stay nearer so we could spend time together, he agreed. I was only a few hours away. He didn't come once and made excuses each time. The last time before I was due to return he cancelled again. We hadn't seen each other for a month by that point. That's when I ended it as I realised that he had no real interest in actually being a part of my life (or making me a part of his). This was the final straw but it was a culmination of lots of problems.

I then met someone who did want to do all those things and we had children together. We also have my step children full time and this has caused lots of problems. We have been working through them but I have been getting to the stage of wondering if I can or should keep fighting for us to work because of how hard it is. 2 nights ago my toddler was crying because she was tired and couldn't find her teddy. Through her tears she said, "I'm not crying Mamma, I'm not crying". I haven't left yet but that felt like my moment. I have told my partner that I can't do this anymore as it's affecting our children. My daughter has seen me cry, even though I've been trying to hide it from her, and at least once I've told her I wasn't crying when I was. She's seeing that and now I'm done.

fuck me. how degrading for you.

he took my then 11 year old son into London for something and ended up so drunk he couldn't get home.

There was a ton of other stuff before this but his alcoholism and addiction to drugs caused danger to my child and all love just withered and died

Much like you, for me there had been lots of random rubbish moments. But my moment of very consciously thinking that’s it I’m done was when I had an accident while running. I had to get home by myself Given where I fell, but arrived back at the front door with blood streaming from my knees and hands. I had to ask him to look after DS while I cleaned up. He looked me up and down, tutted, and then said ‘well hurry up as I need to go to work’. Not a shred of sympathy. I knew at that moment our relationship was absolutely dead in the water . It was a surprisingly visceral moment.

We went to a party (with the two DS's) and he got so drunk that we had to pull over 3 times on the way home to be sick. The kids witnessed the whole thing.

I feel so sad reading this thread. How so many of us just want a bit of kindness that seems impossible for our partners to give…
For me, with ex DH, it was when I asked him if he’d been enjoying all the ‘playing’ we’d been doing lately (I’d pulled out all the stops over a 3/4 week period to try desperately to reignite things) and he replied: ‘Well, I’m going along with it, aren’t I.’
He later claimed it was a joke response, but my heart broke in that moment and I knew I was done, after 16 years of being unseen and having to fight for a shred of affection and love.

While actively miscarrying(there was blood everywhere)he whistled down the stairs claiming he needed the car for an appointment with the barber. When I said I would take the bus he reluctantly dropped me and my 14 month old dd at emergency

Hours later a family friend called to tell him to pick me up from hospital. On the way back, the only thing he said was “what a shame such a terrible thing happened to you”.

Mind you I should have left the first time round when he abandoned me at 11weeks pregnant traveling back to his parents in Europe in April of 2020 right in the middle of raging corona.

Miserable moping man child. I stopped going out or even meeting up or texting my friends. He was older, two kids. Somehow I was paying for almost everything.
One day I actually met up with my friend, sat having a picnic in the park. I blurted everything out.
He called me to ask when I was coming home. I said I wouldn't be long. He accused me of talking about him. I said we weren't. He said "you are. I can see you. I'm parked up and I can see you both"
That was enough on its own. He also had his 11 year old daughter in the car.
I told him I wasn't coming home.

I went out. Got very drunk, bumped into an old friend who was after a lodger. About 18 months later I went off to uni. (He refused to support his ex through uni. He said because of the kids. He f**ked off overseas in the army for five years whilst they were married. Absolute arse)

how is your relationship with your DD now?

Jeez some of you have been married or partnered with absolute princes!

I'd been gradually getting the "ick" for a long time but didn't quite have the vocabulary to think it through and pinpoint exactly what was going on (the word "ick" hadn't been invented yet).

We were watching an episode of University Challenge. I correctly answered a question because the question was related what I was doing for my PhD.

He paused the TV to tell me I was wrong and to give a wildly ridiculously incorrect answer based on an online article he'd read that week.

He then paused the TV to Google his answer to "prove" I was wrong.

It was like a mist had cleared and I suddenly realised this man (a) was thick as shit, (b) was belligerent and arrogant in his ignorance, and (c) was unable to countenance that I had far, far, far superior knowledge on something.
That realisation explained so much and actually suggested a much bigger sexism and man-child issue.

So I binned him the next day. We'd been together five years at that point.

Yeah, so…

I asked for the small moments that spelt the end. Am on (what should be!) a beautiful, expensive (paid for by me!) holiday, and DH is being an utter dick. Grumpy and rude, shouting at me and the kids. Heartbreaking really as it’s my eldest dd’s ‘last’ summer with us before she goes off to uni.

I’m so unhappy. Way down in sunk costs and stuck when it comes to finances etc. Not sure what to do but handholds and solidarity much appreciated x

Life is too short. You need to leave. You can make more money but you won’t get more time.

Write it down and keep it as a note on your phone - and all the other reasons / things that have happened, so you can look back on it in times of weakness

@CannotWaitToBeFree - I am actually doing that, and have been for a few months. In fact just a few seconds ago I looked at this of all the awful moments that I’d noted down where he’s been nasty to me, and it feels pretty disturbing how I’ve ‘forgotten’ a lot of these moments already.

Christ, it’s really bad most of the time. It wasn’t always like this - I feel like we were good and strong for a while but I can’t pinpoint when it started to die exactly. I feel sick I’m on this supposedly lovely holiday with my gorgeous kids and he’s shouting at me (again).

i know I deserve much, much better. But my support network is close to zero. I have no immediate close family and a very unreliable income. I do have some good friends who don’t know how desperately unhappy I am…

When he said: "You must have realised that everybody goes into this thinking 'Nobody's perfect', and they hope the other person will change??"

There had been so many other moments, but that was the one where I couldn't (still can't) see how anyone could ever get back from it. If he'd said we'd "grown apart" or something like that then at least there would be the feeling that it was a good idea at the beginning. But no - turns out the whole twenty years was just based on him deciding it didn't really matter who he married - so I never had a hope. (Oh and he'd thought that was an ideal situation to bring three kids into as well.)

God knows what he thought he was actually doing when he was saying his marriage vows....

He threatened to kill me. That put a bit of a downer on things.

No, life is long so don't spend it with a twat.

If you don't value yourself then value the children shows last summer he's ruining...

I have no family and no friends who could put me up but I have just divorced my h and he's been at his mothers for a year while it all went through. Never been this happy, calm, at peace or free. Even with worries about buying a new house and managing financially.