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Original poster

Would you end a good relationship for your child?

150 replies

koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:10

Regular poster but name changed.....

I'm 43, been with my bf (42) for 2.5 years. Everything is good between us. Couldn't ask for a more caring/considerate/loving man. He's very understand of the situation, patient and willing to take things slowly.

I split with my 10 yo DDs dad when she was a baby. Caught him cheating and turns out it started during my pregnancy. Got divorced and he's now living with his AP. Dd is okay with that situation and likes her stepmum.

However, she is so uncomfortable with my bf. Sometimes she says she likes him as a person but is insecure and worried I love him more than her. Other times she says she doesn't like him personally and would be happier if I was with someone else.

For context she first met him c. 18 months ago. It's been very gradual, sees him a few times a month, days out, him coming over for dinner etc. Nothing too in her face and always based around what we think she would enjoy doing.

However things seem to be getting. Worse rather than better and the whole situation is really overwhelming her and causing quite severe anxiety.

She's recently started therapy for this amongst a couple of other anxiety based issues.

My bf is really laidback and accommodating, willing to fit in with what suits us. It's getting to the point my Dd doesn't want us even going on dates when she's at her dad's as she's worried we'll be building a bond without her. The whole things is just causing her so much anxiety and stress.

Obviously I could keep it separate and not share the details of when/if I see him when she's at her dads/school etc. But I then feel like I'm letting her think she can control/manipulate what I do in my own time.

Part of me thinks at 10 yo she shouldn't be having so much of a say, but on the other hand, I don't want to force a situation on her that causes so much stress and anxiety.

Would I be silly just to end it to avoid all of this added complexity? It's putting such a dampener on things that I'm then not even enjoying time with my bf through guilt. But if I allow this to happen will I resent my Dd for this longer term?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
movingonsaturday · 14/06/2024 23:15

She should come first always

Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:19

She does come first. That's why I'm willing to do it if it's the right thing.

If she doesn't want to spend time with him she doesn't see him. I never see him apart from when she's at her dad's so I wouldn't have the chance to be with her anyway.

But is it healthy to let a child control what who you spend your time with when they're not with you? Half of me is conscious of creating a situation where she thinks she gets to control my life, even when it doenst have any direct impact on her

OP posts:
Mnk711 · 14/06/2024 23:25

I would seek professional advice, but my instinct would be that she feels you are her safety and is instinctively worried about losing you as she has articulated. Given that I think it would be wrong to end the relationship but rather you should be finding ways to support her through that anxiety. Is she able to articulate the fear in detail? Did she feel her dad 'left' her and is worried you might similarly pull away? Did his relationship with her change after the affair (though appreciate she was young?). If it's basically always been the two if you she's bound to struggle, particularly if she feels the bond between you and partner is deepening.

SunflowerTed · 14/06/2024 23:27

She needs reassurance and open dialogue which I’m sure you’re doing. She can’t dictate who you go out with and you seem to be trying to manage the situation as best you can. The worst thing you can do is finish your relationship as she will be in control. I got with my widowed boyfriend years ago and his son made my life hell. I stuck it out and we now gave a brilliant relationship. My advice - keep talking and reassuring and it will resolve itself and your girl will see your boyfriend as a bonus xxx

Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:32

Thanks @Mnk711 I'm hoping the sessions she's having for anxiety might help.

She's very open and articulate about her feelings but I don't think she knows herself whether it's my bf as a person she doesn't like (obviously harder to fix); or the situation. I suspect it might be a mix of both. My bf can be a bit loud/hyper/childish in a playful way which I thought she might like but I don't think she knows how to take him.

I think I'm definitely the safer place for her. She has anxiety about going to her dad's in general, says he's not good about talking about emotions and she can't open up to him. It's like she bottles it all up at his house. Wouldn't dare try and control him or his decisions, isn't happy about certain things but just feels she needs to 'suck it up' - then comes back home and everything explodes out of her (textbook masking).

I guess I need to give the therapy more time and see if it can even help her understand whats at the root of her feelings about him

OP posts:
Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:36

SunflowerTed · 14/06/2024 23:27

She needs reassurance and open dialogue which I’m sure you’re doing. She can’t dictate who you go out with and you seem to be trying to manage the situation as best you can. The worst thing you can do is finish your relationship as she will be in control. I got with my widowed boyfriend years ago and his son made my life hell. I stuck it out and we now gave a brilliant relationship. My advice - keep talking and reassuring and it will resolve itself and your girl will see your boyfriend as a bonus xxx

@SunflowerTed thank you, glad it worked out well for you in the end.

As much as my bf is understanding, caring and willing to go slow his personality is a bit of an acquired taste (he's neurodiverse). He's making so much effort with dd and happy to step back and let her decide the terms of their relationship, but I do wonder if his quirky personality is an element of why my Dd isn't looking him - or if it's more the situation/fear of losing me

OP posts:
AmIever · 14/06/2024 23:37

Personally I’d end it. And not resent your daughter for that at all. I hated my mother’s new partner and it caused life long problems between us. Also, children’s gut instincts are often better than ours

NuffSaidSam · 14/06/2024 23:38

Does she know that you're not with her Dad because he had an affair?

Ultimately, I wouldn't end the relationship, but I would end her having any contact with him for now. Continue working on her insecurity and anxiety.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 23:38

How do his quirks manifest themselves?

Does he tease her? Or is he unresponsive? Is he respectful of her physical autonomy?

Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:40

NuffSaidSam · 14/06/2024 23:38

Does she know that you're not with her Dad because he had an affair?

Ultimately, I wouldn't end the relationship, but I would end her having any contact with him for now. Continue working on her insecurity and anxiety.

No she doesn't know anything about the affair or that her 'stepmum' was the OW. She was a few months old when we split so it's just what she's always known.

I've always tried to avoid saying anything negative about her dad or his partner as don't want her to feel guilty or caught in the middle

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 14/06/2024 23:42

There's a long running thread on here all about the challenges of ND in real life relationships. I wonder if his quirks are an issue and she's not comfortable talking about it? I only say that because you refer to him being an acquired taste.

Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:43

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 23:38

How do his quirks manifest themselves?

Does he tease her? Or is he unresponsive? Is he respectful of her physical autonomy?

He can be quite full on in terms of dancing around, singing, carrying on etc.
He jokes a lot and I've asked him to make an effort not to.

The difficulty is that most of the time she joins in and enjoys it, laughs along etc. But he's not very good at reading the room or seeing when it's not going down well so it doesn't always hit the mark.

The ironic thing is that I think he does it more the more nervous he is and I think he's almost trying to hard to be 'fun'

OP posts:
Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:44

@AtrociousCircumstance should have said that he's very respectful of her physical autonomy, will ask her if she wants a high 5 when he's leaving. They've hugged a few times but only when initiated by her

OP posts:
Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:47

Isthisexpected · 14/06/2024 23:42

There's a long running thread on here all about the challenges of ND in real life relationships. I wonder if his quirks are an issue and she's not comfortable talking about it? I only say that because you refer to him being an acquired taste.

It could well be this.

I'm caught between knowing if it's his "quirks" or if it's more anxiety around the fact that she feels threatened by someone else being in my life and is scared of losing me.

If it was the former, it would be much harder to reach a resolution and I don't see it working longer term so I would probably end it. However, if it's the latter then I'm more reluctant to end it as it won't help address the anxiety and it will manifest in other ways - I wouldn't be doing her any favours in the long run

OP posts:
User364837 · 14/06/2024 23:48

I can see it feels unfair that her dad has been able to move on and yet it’s more difficult for you.

im in a similar position apart from there was no affair and i instigated the split. My dc think boyfriend is ok but don’t particularly want to spend time with him, it makes me a bit sad but at the moment I’m just accepting that in these years they have to come first. So I’m just seeing him when they’re not around (which is not all that often - every other weekend) and it’s very much a part time relationship. But is kind of working for all of us at the moment.

NotAgainWilson · 14/06/2024 23:49

Your child comes first, but your child is a child, with the maturity and experience of a 10 year old and therefore, should not be allowed to dictate what do you do with your personal life.

I wouldn’t end the relationship, happy mothers raise happy children. But you may want to reduce interactions between her and your partner a bit, while also making it clear that you love her more than everything but she is not to decide who mum dates or not. That’s not a decision she should think she can make.

Personally, of all the children of divorced parents I have seen (and I have seen many as we divorced parents seem to be drawn to each other), the most messed up children I have seen is where the parent let the child call the shots in the household on issues that they are not mature enough to understand or deal with.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 23:52

Thanks @koalakid8 He sounds a bit destabilised and uncontained and that won’t make her feel safe. He’s child-adult in that mode, rather than a solid adult creating a calm atmosphere and giving her space. Also people who lark about relentlessly can come across as needy - their need to be seen and responded to can be a bit oppressive. It must be hard for her to decode.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 23:54

Ps but I also agree with the PP that you are her parent and she shouldn’t call the shots - and if she could it would also make her feel unheld, if the boundaries aren’t clear (ie if she gets to control adult decisions). So it is a tough one and I think it all comes down to how you assess his behaviour and the atmosphere he creates around her/in her home.

Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:54

@User364837 you're right it does feel unfair when they seem more happy for their dad to move on. I do take some comfort from the fact that it's more likely because we're closer and she feels safer with me.

My problem is that my Dd asks if I'm planning to see my bf before she goes to her dads and if I say "yes" or even "maybe" she has a meltdown about going to her dads and refuses to go. First thing she asks when she comes home is if I've seen him while she's been away.

The obvious answer would be not to let her know. However her best friend lives next door and my Dd asks her if he has been round, if his car has been in the drive etc.
I also live in a very small town so if I go out with him there's a chance of bumping into one of her other friends that then says "oh i saw your mum and X last night"

I feel so guilty about all the lying and snaking around that I'm actually convincing myself I'm doing something terrible. It's like I'm having an affair!!

OP posts:
Original poster
koalakid8 · 14/06/2024 23:58

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 23:52

Thanks @koalakid8 He sounds a bit destabilised and uncontained and that won’t make her feel safe. He’s child-adult in that mode, rather than a solid adult creating a calm atmosphere and giving her space. Also people who lark about relentlessly can come across as needy - their need to be seen and responded to can be a bit oppressive. It must be hard for her to decode.

This is really really useful. Makes so much sense and I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Is also feel on edge whenever it's the 3 of us as I'm waiting on something going wrong.

If I did come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right atmosphere, I'd be conscious that if I ended it she'd think she had controlled the situation.

I would 100% do the best by her. My problem is knowing what that is!

OP posts:
audweb · 15/06/2024 00:01

i’n a lone parent. I would maybe ease back on time spent with the three of you but she doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your time when she’s not there. This maybe needs worked through, but it doesn’t sound like the issue is necessarily him, rather you just having a boyfriend.

I would always put my kid first but I am also allowed a life. There have been times where my kid has been unhappy I have gone out with friends. I’ve had to explain that just as she is allowed friendships etc so am I.

Guavafish1 · 15/06/2024 00:03

I don't think you should end it but I think you have to take him out of her life.... she clearly is not ready.

She needs therapy for anxiety and attachment issues.

gelpedicureplz · 15/06/2024 00:06

You sound like a brilliant mum, there are many people who wouldn’t even consider all these things.

It’s a tough one - on one hand, she’s 10, so of course shouldn’t dictate your life and happiness, but on the other, she’s only 10, she won’t be this age forever, and you have the rest of your and her life to be in a relationship. Things will improve and she’ll start to understand more when she’s older with her own life and perhaps relationships of her own.

If things are causing her anxiety to the point of being in therapy then I would probably end it, as sad as that is.

kkloo · 15/06/2024 00:08

I think I'm definitely the safer place for her. She has anxiety about going to her dad's in general, says he's not good about talking about emotions and she can't open up to him. It's like she bottles it all up at his house. Wouldn't dare try and control him or his decisions, isn't happy about certain things but just feels she needs to 'suck it up' - then comes back home and everything explodes out of her (textbook masking).

What kind of things would she like to open up to him about and what isn't she happy about?

Original poster
koalakid8 · 15/06/2024 00:11

@gelpedicureplz thank you, that is so lovely of you to say. Sometimes it's exactly what you need to hear (especially as a single parent).

She's got anxiety around a few things that's she's getting therapy for. If it was only my relationship causing the issue, I wouldn't even need to ask the question. Her main issue - separation anxiety - started at the end of lockdown so a good while before I even met my bf. This just feels like another thing to pile on to the list.

However I also feel that. As she's having a tough time with other parts of her life, the last thing she needs is me adding this to the mix. I only introduced them as I genuinely believed it would a be a positive impact on her and I thought they'd get on really well

OP posts:
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