Would you end a good relationship for your child?

[koalakid8]

Regular poster but name changed.....

I'm 43, been with my bf (42) for 2.5 years. Everything is good between us. Couldn't ask for a more caring/considerate/loving man. He's very understand of the situation, patient and willing to take things slowly.

I split with my 10 yo DDs dad when she was a baby. Caught him cheating and turns out it started during my pregnancy. Got divorced and he's now living with his AP. Dd is okay with that situation and likes her stepmum.

However, she is so uncomfortable with my bf. Sometimes she says she likes him as a person but is insecure and worried I love him more than her. Other times she says she doesn't like him personally and would be happier if I was with someone else.

For context she first met him c. 18 months ago. It's been very gradual, sees him a few times a month, days out, him coming over for dinner etc. Nothing too in her face and always based around what we think she would enjoy doing.

However things seem to be getting. Worse rather than better and the whole situation is really overwhelming her and causing quite severe anxiety.

She's recently started therapy for this amongst a couple of other anxiety based issues.

My bf is really laidback and accommodating, willing to fit in with what suits us. It's getting to the point my Dd doesn't want us even going on dates when she's at her dad's as she's worried we'll be building a bond without her. The whole things is just causing her so much anxiety and stress.

Obviously I could keep it separate and not share the details of when/if I see him when she's at her dads/school etc. But I then feel like I'm letting her think she can control/manipulate what I do in my own time.

Part of me thinks at 10 yo she shouldn't be having so much of a say, but on the other hand, I don't want to force a situation on her that causes so much stress and anxiety.

Would I be silly just to end it to avoid all of this added complexity? It's putting such a dampener on things that I'm then not even enjoying time with my bf through guilt. But if I allow this to happen will I resent my Dd for this longer term?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

I agree with your last sentence I often feel judged for considering dating before my 50s

Quite. The parents who completely put their dating life on hold until their kids are 18 or ditched a good partner because their child had some objection to them might find that finding a partner and getting back in the dating scene is harder when they are older. While they may have sacrificed everything for their DC, their DC, now independent, are likely to bugger off, leaving the parent lonely unless they have built a strong friendship network. I know a friend of my mums who took this child dictating approach. Her DS (a total brat) had a strong objection to her ever having a boyfriend (for no apparent reason other than only wanting her to himself) and after a few attempts, she totally gave up, stayed single and still is. Her DS moved to Canada when he was 20 and she hasn’t seen him for years.
Make good choices for children but do not raise them to believe that their every whim will be catered to regardless of how unreasonable it is. That way you end up raising selfish and entitled people.

1. The most likely person to abuse a child is a step parent.
2. it's expensive in time, money, emotions and headspace
3. working in a Secondary School the older children often commented about the struggles of having a step dad at home even if actually they really liked them. At that age most said they would be happier if their mum was dating for companionship but didn't like it when they lived together even step dads that had been in their lives a long time seemed to not be favoured in the teen years, general butting heads, or having someone else in their space all the time, when walking out the shower etc when previously it had just been them and mum, it just upsets the dynamic.

I agree with this. My mum took this mentality and I’m so glad she did. I would’ve hated an unrelated man regularly in the house and that was generally the consensus from kids I worked with as a former youth worker and educator.

Even my old college best friend , who had what I felt was the nicest stepdad in the world, said she resented him slightly . From birth to around seven she had enjoyed it more with it just being her and her mum. When he came onto the scene she felt like a spare part. I think it may have been easier if she’d had siblings living with her but she was an only child.

She was never unpleasant to him or anything as a child from what I can tell. To be fair to her mum, he never moved in until my friend was over 18 despite being engaged for several years and coming over most evenings. And he was SUCH a lovely guy, and did everything he could for my friend and her mum, so I found it interesting that as nice as he was my friend still said she preferred if he hadn’t have been around during her childhood.

@koalakid8 DD is also autistic although we didn't know that until relatively recently, it's always just been us, we have a female only house apart from our male cat ,my dad if he pops in or the occasional workman so if I did date and brought him around it would be a big change.

She's an midteen now and once she hit about 14 did suggest I date but largely so I stopped taking her out at the weekend to things she's not fussed about 😂 interestingly she said she would be happy if I dated a woman and they moved in but not a man, he'd have to stay as a companionable boyfriend and not move in at least whilst she's living here and I respect that it's her home too and I choose to have her. I also had her fairly young so by the time she's 20 Ill only be 43 so plenty of time to develop relationships if I want.

I'm used to living alone though, I actually don't think I'd ever want anyone else in my space once DDs flown the nest.

Of course it's a head decision, and should be looked at without emotion.
OP deserves a relationship, and by all accounts, has been very respectful to her daughter with an extremely slow introduction, with a few days a month interaction/fun centered days out etc.

No child should dictate what their parents can or can't do. Nor does it mean OP should forego happiness to keep her daughter happy, because it's extremely unlikely it will be kept to this particular chap.

Looking at it from your daughters perspective, her father and his partner have been together for her whole life. They have always been a unit. She has always had you to herself and now that is changing.

I would dial back a bit for now and only see him when she is not there. She will be having her therapy for the anxiety at the same time. Be firm that when she is at her dad's, you are entitled to have a life. Once that has been established, and she has techniques to help with the anxiety, very slowly start reintroducing him again. Make sure she has a "safe" calm space, where she can go if she is overwhelmed by his personality. I know I get overwhelmed by extroverts and would hate it to be that full on in my home without a refuge.

You’ve introduced him now so it’s difficult to see what the solution is but perhaps it would’ve been better to not introduce him and just mention him eventually but keep it light and let him remain a vague thought in your daughters head. It may have been less anxiety inducing for her if she didn’t have a picture /knowledge of who he is.

I’m not a single parent myself but my friend who is, chooses to introduce men to her children only after around 2 years which might seem excessive for some but she stands by it.

No, I wouldn't end the relationship in these circumstances. It seems that your DD is very much controlling the narrative. You are entitled to a life and a fulfilling relationship. I'd minimise their contact for the time being but you are correct in that you need to take the reigns.

I’m assuming you think your DD is ND with the (textbook masking) comment. Although tbh, a lot of young girls do that with their dads so I wouldn’t actually consider that masking but I digress.
Has she been assessed for any ND? Is this an option?

If your daughter is ND and struggling with separation anxiety, then I think this is something you need to work through and not your new partners 'fault.' I think she would do this with any new partner. My DC who is ND and has separation anxiety gets very jealous if I have friends even, hates having people to the house etc. I know he would really struggle if I introduced a new partner. At the moment I'm not dating (single parent) but I don't intend for that to be a permanent state and I don't think it would be in my DC interest to never do that because of his issues. Letting your child's anxiety rule your life not only limits your life, but makes your child believe that their anxiety is justified and that they are in control of you and the home which is a really scary position for a child. It sounds like you're doing the right things and so long as you continue to move forward slowly and support your daughter I think it's the right thing to not throw this relationship away

As a kid I had a stepdad, initially there were some teething problems as me and my siblings got used to each other but I am so happy now (with all kids grown and a handful of grandkids) that my Mum has a happy marriage. My kids have a wonderful Grandfather, who is a present part of our lives and has been much more there for us than my actual Dad has.

Helpful

@Glowecestrescire and the other person who quoted my reply to her… as per my prior post, I do not think that the Mum should give up the relationship. It’s not a long thread, surprised you missed it.

I was simply picking up on an aspect of G’s post.

MN is just pointless these days. Good luck, OP.

Reassurance is different from validation and normalization.

Anxious kids - over about age 3- who get reassured have their anxiety fed because it reinforces the anxiety (counter intuitive but think about it logically. If I say "I am worried about X, Mum" and you reply "Don't worry, I will be there for you, I will help you with X" then you are quietly reinforcing that X is a very scary thing that your child has a good reason to fear, and that they can only cope with your input, and indeed could only be expected to cope with your input).

Anxious kids who get dismissed ("suck it up, buttercup" or "welcome to the real world" type responses, aka Dad) have their anxiety reinforced because they are shamed and feel unsupported and their anxiety is not contained.

The best thing to do is to take the anxiety, validate that feeling, normalize it, and assure the child that THEY can cope.

"Mum, I am worried about X"
"Well, that's not surprising. You've never done X before. Lots of people feel worried about doing new things. You are bound to feel a bit scared but I can help if you want. Shall we look again at what you are scheduled to do?"

In this case "Mum, I don't like Malcolm much. I feel like he's coming in between us"

Option 1: reassuring - feeds that core anxiety
"Oh darling, don't worry, you are my number one and nothing and nobody will ever come between us. I will always be here for you and I will never let any boyfriend change that". (Note, over reassuring often doesn't really tackle the stated problem either, or give any actual strategies).

Option 2: dismissing - child feels unheard, unsupported "I am a grown up and I get to have a life too. Malcolm makes me happy, so suck it up, buttercup".

Option 3: validate, normalize, and explore:
"Well, thanks for telling me. You know what, it's really not surprising that me having a boyfriend feels a bit scary to you, after all, since you were a tiny baby it's just been me and you. It's bound to feel a bit weird, isn't it. Lots of kids find it weird when their mum starts dating people.
First off, you know I love you VERY much and your welfare is my top priority. And Malcolm understands how hard it must be for you to get a new adult in your life. Let's talk about how we can help you feel a bit better".

You get the picture I hope, even though I am not doing it very well here!
Essentially, anxious kids do best when their feelings are initially validated and normalized, then problem solving together takes place, rather than the parent taking all the "load" or dismissing all the "load" as unimportant or unnecessary.

She gets to make suggestions; you do too; each of you gets to explain why the solution doesn't work.

Eg "how about you dump Malcolm?"
"Well yes, I can see how that would solve the problem from your point of view. But it doesn't work for me. Malcolm is kind, and funny, and I like spending time with him. He is not mean to me, or you, and he is a nice person. So I don't want to dump him. Anyway if I did dump Malcolm you might find you feel the same about my next boyfriend, and I can't just dump every boyfriend forever as I will feel lonely! Let's see if we can keep thinking".

Your friend might have a 50/50 contact arrangement, a family that have her kid for a lot of the time or enough money for baby sitters.

Nobody can develop a healthy, long term relationship giving crumbs of their time to a partner who actually wants a long term relationship or one that has the self respect not to be hiding from a kid for 2 years.

Some very interesting and thoughtful posts on here. I've seen both sides of the coin, with myself and my DKs. My youngest DD had a school friend, I was friends with her mum, she had an older brother,2 parents,no divorce, they had been married a long time. We started going to the gym together,her daughter didn't like that,so at 9 she insisted on coming with us! At 14 we were on a night out together, she rang her DD,who insisted she came home. A relative,in his 30 (married now,own family) never liked, approved of any of his DMs partners. She had divorced his father when he was 4. He still expects to control her life now. I wonder, if this is the first relationship poster has had in the 10 years. Ironically,most therapists say, your children are lent to you, don't make them your entire life. My oldest DD did this unfortunately,is now completely alone mid 50s. I think you are doing a great job.

I did, for similar reasons when dd2 was 9. But that said you can't put your life on hold forever-good that she is getting help with her anxiety issues-you also deserve a life and when she is an adult you will need to spread your own wings a bit. You don't deserve to be alone forever, (if that's not your own choice).

I have anxiety and know a lot of people who do/have suffered with anxiety.
The ones who have had people move the world around their anxiety, struggle more as adults, and by that I mean they are stuck - they won't try new things, they are selfish in terms of their recognition of the impact on others, and they simply do not recognise that sometimes they are saying 'no' because it is easy for them to say no, it's turned into a pattern/instinct, rather than them actually sitting down to figure out how they could say 'yes' with adjustments.

I do understand people saying that they'd have preferred their parents didn't date until they'd left home, as my mother had a partner I don't like, but its just because we are not compatible as people- he's not someone I would ever choose to have in my life. Would I have preferred he not be there, absolutely. Would it be incredibly selfish of me to expect my mother to be lonely for all that time, and struggle financially with only one wage coming into the house, yes.

You've gone slow, you are being respectful of her, you've done everything right - if she continues to get worse from this it will not be your fault, she will just latch on to something else (again, speaking from experience) you and your partner are not causing her anxiety, her brain is.

When I first read your title, I thought - of course, yes! My child would always be more important than my relationship or a man.

But having read your ops, I'm not sure it would be the right thing to do, to leave him. It's good that your DD is honest about her feelings. I agree you are her 'safe space' and she would prefer for you to remain exactly the same forever. But you can't, and nor will she. She doesn't have to spend time with him, but she can't dictate what you do when she isn't around. It wouldn't be healthy for to be able to dictate who you spend time with. Not least because she's a young child who doesn't understand the situation.

In the meantime, keep being honest with her. I'm sure you already do, but remind her she is most important to you, but that you are entitled to friends and a love life. Don't force her to spend time with him if she doesn't want to. Take things slowly.

I had a similar experience with my youngest DD when I got together with now DH. She liked him, but couldn't comprehend why I would want a man in my life. It took time, and we went slowly, and (many years on) she loves her Step Dad and they're really close. As soon as she was old enough to go off to uni, she told me how grateful she was that she wasn't leaving me on my own, so she didn't have to worry about me!

I agree with this.

This is a brilliant explanation and response!

Yes great response @DrRuthGalloway I’ve screenshot to help with my own kids! Thank you. My exH was such a prick (and dismissive/avoidant re all emotions including the kids) I’ve definitely at times erred into over reassurance which is a double edged sword. This is brilliant.

I’m not having a go at you, OP, but this thread is a prime example of overthinking and general anxiety. Your DD’s anxiety is the thing that needs to be fixed. Removing a partner who seems to be trying very hard to accommodate her and you is not going to make much of a difference to her general anxiety issues.
The responses on this thread show how far we have left “anxiety” take a hold over how we plan and conduct our lives. Removing all stress factors does not improve anything for the person suffering- you are just further removing the chance to build up resilience.

It took my young relatives 5 years to explain what their kind considerate step father was really like.

Then he went to prison.

I would never stay with a partner my child was uncomfortable with

The trouble is relationships need to progress or they die.the obvious answe would be to continue seeing him without your dd, but what then? If your dd doesn't change, I dont think he could move in while she is still living at home. Is it fair to him to keep him hanging on?