Would you end a good relationship for your child?

[koalakid8]

Regular poster but name changed.....

I'm 43, been with my bf (42) for 2.5 years. Everything is good between us. Couldn't ask for a more caring/considerate/loving man. He's very understand of the situation, patient and willing to take things slowly.

I split with my 10 yo DDs dad when she was a baby. Caught him cheating and turns out it started during my pregnancy. Got divorced and he's now living with his AP. Dd is okay with that situation and likes her stepmum.

However, she is so uncomfortable with my bf. Sometimes she says she likes him as a person but is insecure and worried I love him more than her. Other times she says she doesn't like him personally and would be happier if I was with someone else.

For context she first met him c. 18 months ago. It's been very gradual, sees him a few times a month, days out, him coming over for dinner etc. Nothing too in her face and always based around what we think she would enjoy doing.

However things seem to be getting. Worse rather than better and the whole situation is really overwhelming her and causing quite severe anxiety.

She's recently started therapy for this amongst a couple of other anxiety based issues.

My bf is really laidback and accommodating, willing to fit in with what suits us. It's getting to the point my Dd doesn't want us even going on dates when she's at her dad's as she's worried we'll be building a bond without her. The whole things is just causing her so much anxiety and stress.

Obviously I could keep it separate and not share the details of when/if I see him when she's at her dads/school etc. But I then feel like I'm letting her think she can control/manipulate what I do in my own time.

Part of me thinks at 10 yo she shouldn't be having so much of a say, but on the other hand, I don't want to force a situation on her that causes so much stress and anxiety.

Would I be silly just to end it to avoid all of this added complexity? It's putting such a dampener on things that I'm then not even enjoying time with my bf through guilt. But if I allow this to happen will I resent my Dd for this longer term?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

@DrRuthGalloway thank you so much for that. I've screenshot too (along with a few other responses - thanks everyone!)

That's another reason why I was thinking of ending it. He has no dc and could easily move on and find someone to have a truly shared life with.
In an ideal world he'd want to live with someone and get married etc. Not that he says that often but it's perfectly natural.

In a strange way I feel a bit unsure about a relationship that can't progress. I often wonder if it would be easier to be on my own than this "half way" solution. I'd do it for while longer but can't see it long term

Sorry to hear that. My Dd is never really alone with my bf, unless he offers to take her to the shop for sweets etc - and she's quite enthusiastic about things like that

@Singleandproud @Yojoo

Children aren’t most likely to be abused by step fathers. Sibling sexual abuse is even more common, and as uncomfortable as it feels a child is more likely to be sexually abused by a sibling than any other member of the family.

@Anonym00se my DD doesn't have any siblings so in our case it is far more likely to be a step dad. In almost every case of SA I was aware of working at a school it was a SDad. Not all step dads ofcourse but a completely preventable situation opposed to direct family cases.

Of course, I know it doesn’t apply in this case but I always see it wrongly trotted out on MN that Step-fathers are the highest risk to kids because people aren’t familiar with the facts. Nobody would say “You must give your son up for adoption now you’ve had a daughter because he’s the person most likely to abuse her” (which is true), but they’ll suggest women get rid of their partners for that reason.

@koalakid8 I think it's so hard as a single parent to know what to do. I'm in a new relationship and have a DD who is 3 (nearly 4). It feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. But you sound like a very diligent and caring person, if anything possibly a bit soft (which I relate to!!). My DD is an only and will likely stay that way and I'm already noticing between friends with two DC how my DD doesn't have to be left waiting for me to help her or do things due to a younger sibling demanding attention. I'm trying not to jump straight to attention for her and teach her patience, and she has a super defiant attitude which there is a time and a place for but I know her dad just appeases her whatever..!

Just waffling now. But it's so hard being a single parent. The world judges you. MN has this weird narrative that you must sacrifice your life for the entirety of your children's lives as children. It's not the same for men, and I think if done carefully and sensitively it doesn't have to be this way for women. Try not to read into the MN narrative too hard because it's only a tiny snippet of the real world and not reflective of day to day life for most people (and no I'm not saying that makes either right or wrong, in case I am jumped upon). It's also impossible to know how it feels until you are a single parent, but lots of people in happy couples like to give advice to single parents too.

This post absolutely nails it.
The only thing I would add is that therapy with children is unlikely to be effective if they go on their own. Joint sessions with you are what's needed- could you push for that with her therapist?

The poster who said happy mums raise happy children is bang on. If being in a relationship brings benefits to you it likely will your DD. Just be aware that relationships you model to her will also be the kind of thing she strives for (which is why I separated from my EXH after he cheated on me, he was also quite passive and had checked out of the marriage over time). I didn't want to model that as a healthy relationship to DD. Better she see me happy on my own, or in a new and fulfilling relationship with someone who can be a good role model for her (I think that is also beneficial to lots of children if managed in the right way).

Moulding your life around the possibility of sexual abuse must be quite limiting as, there are not many abusers and they can come in every shape and form: Siblings, fathers, cousins, teens, school friends, neighbour’s kids, piano teachers, grandfathers and the list goes on.

Personally, I think you should be vigilant and choose someone who is not only a good match to you but to your kids AND his kids as well.

There is always a risk but then, life is full of risks. Staying single because men can be abusers is ridiculous. Thinking with your head and staying away of a guy who is giving red flags is ok, you don’t need to write off relationships completely to “protect” your children.

@koalakid8 Sorry if I have missed this part, but why is she ok for her dad to be with someone but not you? I wouldn’t be letting her dictate who you can see in your own time but maybe cut back on the time she spends with him herself. It’s hard as if there’s something she finds uncomfortable about him as a person then that’s different. But if it’s just she doesn’t want you to be with someone then that’s not really her decision if you see him in your own time especially when she seems ok with her dads partner? I have a friend who’s daughter has basically dictated her life, and because the mum has allowed it her daughter is now 18 and still “plays up” whenever her mum is going out. My friend has hardly any life and is on eggshells going out for even an hour and you can guarantee her daughter rings her within that hour. I don’t think it’s done her or her daughter any favours by her letting her daughter dictate her life and not having boundaries - they now BOTH suffer from severe anxiety because it wasn’t dealt with at the time.

I think she's okay with her dad having a partner as it's all she's ever known in terms of his relationship. All she's ever known in her relationship with me is the 2 of us.

She's also not as close with her dad and I think there's an element of me & our houses as being her "safe space".

Everyone is right. She shouldn't dictate what I do when she's at her dad's and I will be stricter on that and set some boundaries.

However, I'd still love to know if it's solely the situation making her anxious (and that she'd be the same regardless) as it would be worth working on that and it would benefit her longer term. On the other hand, if it's him personally she's uncomfortable with, I'd lean towards ending it. While I agree I can focus on only seeing my bf when Dd is with her dad, it's not what either my bf or I would like medium-term. The whole situation is causing me stress/anxiety and I also think it would be fairer on my bf to let him move on and find someone else

I don't have any kids and am very happy I don't need to "date" anymore, but allow me to waffle.
Your daughter obviously doesn't get to dictate your life, however, she seems to be a very anxious child, possibly ND (Just taking my own experience).
I missed if your partner lives with you, would it be possible not to have him at home around her constantly?
Severe anxiety in a 10 year old with your male partner the supposed source is really no good, for now and for the future.

No he doesn't live with us and that's not on the cards. She seems him 2-4 times per month and only for short periods. A couple of hours here and there.

I'd ideally like it to be more often but conscious I don't want to force it on her

I see the dilemma. I think it’s really hard.

i think personally I would stop the two of them seeing each other and just see him when she’s not there for a while. And see how that works, for her and the relationship.

if you think you can’t see him without her knowing and/or don’t want to lie to her, you could have a chat about how it’s really important to have friends and she doesn’t have to see him, she’ll always be your number one, but when she’s at her dads you might go out and about or have friends over and that’s your choice, and you can’t stop someone else from doing something if it doesn’t affect you. She may get initially upset but hopefully she’ll get used to that idea.
i think try that and see how it goes.

it is a balance between not causing her distress but also not teaching her that it’s ok to be controlling.

@koalakid8 I think that’s the main issue you need to get to the bottom of, is it something off about him that makes her uncomfortable? Or just that she likes having you to herself and not wanting another man living with you eventually? I guess it would also depend on how much you saw a future with this guy, if in your gut you don’t, (regardless of your daughter), then yes I would probably end things. As someone above said though; the worst thing you can do is feed into her anxieties, otherwise you are setting the scene for you both later in life. She needs to be listened to but also set your boundaries, you already have anxiety over this situation and no doubt that’s feeding into hers too. It’s exactly the same with my friend and her daughter, because she didn't set boundaries and just allowed her daughter to dictate everything and walked on eggshells around her, they are both now very co-dependant and anxious outside of the home.

I think it's really sad that everyone is saying that your daughter is being controlling and trying to call the shots when she is just a child, quite possibly ND and suffering dreadfully. I have huge empathy for her because as an ND child I would have absolutely hated if my parents had other partners. Her whole safety and security revolves around you and her home. You are not giving into her control by keeping that space safe for her, or by keeping her feeling safe by prioritising her over everyone else. She definitely won't suddenly become a monster because you put her needs first right now. Of course you wouldn't tell that the relationship ended because of her so I don't know why people say it will make her think she calls the shots.

It sounds like she already has so many struggles in her life, struggling with the transition to her dad's (struggling with transitions is very typical of ASD), feeling that friendships are something she has to work very hard at and often feels she's failing at (typical of ASD), and terrible anxiety (often comorbid with autism).

I would say 100% that this ND kid needs you to put her first and give up your relationship, because otherwise she is going to struggle indefinitely. People on here don't have the experience of having an ND child or being one. Parenting and support has to be on another level. Of course it's unfair for you to miss out on relationships and no one can make you end it. But if you do end it for her sake and then you resent her because of it - well that is something I would judge.

She is not doing this to manipulate and cheat you of happiness, she's doing this because she just can't cope. Whatever you do though don't lie about seeing him - if she finds out all trust will be destroyed.

What sort of therapy is your daughter having?
Does her therapist talk to her about the situation with your boyfriend?
Does the therapist discuss this with you... obviously without breaking her confidence.

Even though she was a baby when her father left, it would have been hugely traumatic for her and will have left her with abandonment issues that are now being triggered by the arrival of your boyfriend.
Abandonment as a baby means death so her pain is incredibly real and frightening.
She will need to address these issues with her therapist.

My dd gets anxious and she was recently diagnosed ND at 17.
Whilst we do talk through things she would and has talked over things that make her anxious endlessly. She got really het up about a driving lesson the night before and wanted to cancel, going over it again and again but once I’d said no way am I paying for a no show and she knew there was no way that was going to happen (she hadn’t realised I’d still have to pay) it was a kind of closure for her.
I know it’s a different situation completely but maybe she’s picking up on your uncertainty and that’s giving her room to try and control the situation. If you make it clear what you are doing and she’s not to fuss about it she might actually find that easier. But you do need to be sure and confident.
Also don’t feel bad about having a boyfriend, as long as he is not unkind to her at all.

Haven't rtft

Is this the 1st serious bf you've had? If so then she's worried about losing her status as no.1 in your life (not to say she is, but she's worried that she is).

If not then either she senses that it's perhaps more serious than others or she just doesn't like him.

My dd at this age got upset when I started a school-time job. Even though she was at school she was upset that I wouldn't be at home. She got over it.

Sorry to hear that but that’s a fairly rare scenario. Most stepdads do not abuse their stepchildren and this man does not even live with the DD. It is also well known that some children, for various reasons, will take against a parent’s partner, not because the partner has done anything wrong but because the child doesn’t like change, doesn’t like the thought of their parent dating, or other reasons. To just end a relationship because your child is being difficult tells the child that they can completely dictate your life. It is never appropriate for a 10 year old to have that level of power or believe they do. Obviously it’s entirely different if the step parent is abusive in some way but this does not appear to be the case here.

I wouldn't end it, unless she had something specific about him and how he treats her.

It's all born from her insecurities, so you need to reassure her about that. Let her know, that nothing can compete or take the place of your love for her as your child/daughter.

Your feelings and love for her are bit comparable to your feelings fur your partner.

You're entitled to your own romantic life and relationship. She shouldn't get to dictate that.

I wouldn't necessarily end it for a variety of reasons, but one because it does set a precedent for the future that she will have control over this area of your life and that's not a healthy place to be. However, I'd just keep those parts of my life separate, no need for them to spend time together. Keep your relationship and your daughter apart if it's affecting her.

The reality is that her father cheated on you when you were pregnant and left you to bring up his daughter. You been on your own with her for a number of years and you now have a relationship. You took your time before introducing your boyfriend to her and he not continusly in your home.

Your daughter is now 10 and has anxiety. She is going to therapy to get help with this answer as another poster said here you should be doing some sessions of this together.
Your daughter is used to it just been you and her. Her father has been living with the ow for years and your daughter stays with them on a regular basis.
The reality is that yes she has some issues but she can't expect you to end your relationship to suit her.

As for asking people did they see you with him when she was staying in her father's house I would not let that be continuing either.
I let her know that you will be seeing him when she is at her father's house. She a child and needs to know now that she can't decide what happens in your life. Also that life won't always revolve around her and her needs as she gets older. I have seen some single mothers and even parents who are together putting their kids first always, doing everything for them and the same kids as adults can't manage in the real world at all. They can find it very hard to accept that things are not going their way.

You need to consider as well that as she gets older she wants to spend more time with her friends and in time will be leaving home to go to college. You need to consider your own life long term as well and work on building up this up for your own sake.
If your with a man whose good to you I would keep him in your life but not have him much around your daughter say for the next 3 month's.

The reality is that her father cheated on you when you were pregnant and left you to bring up his daughter. You been on your own with her for a number of years and you now have a relationship. You took your time before introducing your boyfriend to her and he not continusly in your home.

Your daughter is now 10 and has anxiety. She is going to therapy to get help with this answer as another poster said here you should be doing some sessions of this together.
Your daughter is used to it just been you and her. Her father has been living with the ow for years and your daughter stays with them on a regular basis.
The reality is that yes she has some issues but she can't expect you to end your relationship to suit her.

As for asking people did they see you with him when she was staying in her father's house I would not let that be continuing either.
I let her know that you will be seeing him when she is at her father's house. She a child and needs to know now that she can't decide what happens in your life. Also that life won't always revolve around her and her needs as she gets older. I have seen some single mothers and even parents who are together putting their kids first always, doing everything for them and the same kids as adults can't manage in the real world at all. They can find it very hard to accept that things are not going their way.

You need to consider as well that as she gets older she wants to spend more time with her friends and in time will be leaving home to go to college. You need to consider your own life long term as well and work on building up this up for your own sake.
If your with a man whose good to you I would keep him in your life but not have him much around your daughter say for the next 3 month's.