Would you end a good relationship for your child?

[koalakid8]

Regular poster but name changed.....

I'm 43, been with my bf (42) for 2.5 years. Everything is good between us. Couldn't ask for a more caring/considerate/loving man. He's very understand of the situation, patient and willing to take things slowly.

I split with my 10 yo DDs dad when she was a baby. Caught him cheating and turns out it started during my pregnancy. Got divorced and he's now living with his AP. Dd is okay with that situation and likes her stepmum.

However, she is so uncomfortable with my bf. Sometimes she says she likes him as a person but is insecure and worried I love him more than her. Other times she says she doesn't like him personally and would be happier if I was with someone else.

For context she first met him c. 18 months ago. It's been very gradual, sees him a few times a month, days out, him coming over for dinner etc. Nothing too in her face and always based around what we think she would enjoy doing.

However things seem to be getting. Worse rather than better and the whole situation is really overwhelming her and causing quite severe anxiety.

She's recently started therapy for this amongst a couple of other anxiety based issues.

My bf is really laidback and accommodating, willing to fit in with what suits us. It's getting to the point my Dd doesn't want us even going on dates when she's at her dad's as she's worried we'll be building a bond without her. The whole things is just causing her so much anxiety and stress.

Obviously I could keep it separate and not share the details of when/if I see him when she's at her dads/school etc. But I then feel like I'm letting her think she can control/manipulate what I do in my own time.

Part of me thinks at 10 yo she shouldn't be having so much of a say, but on the other hand, I don't want to force a situation on her that causes so much stress and anxiety.

Would I be silly just to end it to avoid all of this added complexity? It's putting such a dampener on things that I'm then not even enjoying time with my bf through guilt. But if I allow this to happen will I resent my Dd for this longer term?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Thank you so much everyone, some really sound advice on this thread.

I'm going to sit down with her and give her all the reassurance about her always being my priority, that my love for her isn't comparable to my love for anyone else etc etc
I'll then explain that she has the right to choose who she has a relationship with and if she doesn't want to spend time with him
I'll respect her decision.
However, I'm an adult with my own life and it's entirely my choice how I spend my free time.

As much as this is giving my doubts about continuing in the relationship long term, at least if it does end she'll have learned that lesson. Obviously if we did split I'd explain it was unrelated and an issue between bf & I.
That way she won't feel like it's been her decision but it would also take away any guilt she may feel at any point.

You do sound a brilliant mum. Caring, empathetic and wholeheartedly loving towards your daughter. She's used to that and probably loves having the 1:1 close bond all to herself.

I have lived through exactly this OP. Mine finished in a different way as I ended up finding his over exuberance annoying too, amongst other things, so it suited both me and my daughter when I ended it. But I remember well the feelings of conflict before we reached this place.

You've got a super close relationship with your daughter. This 1:1 can cause the child to feel they have a say over everything in your life (mind did) and to react with emotion when she felt in any way excluded from my decision making. I realised I had caused this a bit by our boundaries being slightly blurred as we were always such a twosome. There is no easy way through but you should definitely keep these two parts of your life separate, reassure her and carry out your private life when she is away at her dad's how you choose.

@philosoppee sorry you went through this too! You've just summed up my situation perfectly.....I think this is a massive part of this.

It's funny you say this as just in the last month his over exuberance (perfect phrase for it) has started to grate on me. I've probably been over thinking it but I put this down to the stress/anxiety I'm feeling with the situation.

It's almost as if that my Dd highlighting this aspect of his personality as a flaw has shone a different light on it, when it has always been one of the things I love about him most. It feels like now even when it's just me and my bf if he says/does something I think would annoy my Dd, I get annoyed now even when she's not there.

I had assumed that if things improved I would go back to loving his enthusiasm/child like behaviour but what if I don't?!

Ah in your last few posts it seems that the relationship is a bit doomed from your point of view too and that maybe you should end it as it seems that you don’t like his personality. That wasn’t clear at the beginning. I’d be fair to him and do it now though, don’t string him along for ages just so that it doesn’t look to your DD like you’ve given in to her. You will no doubt face this with anyone else you date though. But if it’s not right, it’s not right.

People on here don't have the experience of having an ND child or being one.

Says who?? I’m autistic and my kids are autistic.

Koala, my child is ND, I might be as well. Autism runs wild in my family, as well as ADHD and other learning difficulties.

One thing I can say about DS (and other diagnosed young relatives) is that is NOT change that stress them but uncertainty and... having too many "variables" to choose from.

His personality is what I have always loved most about him. His loud outgoing personality is what attracted to me and I've never laughed so much with any other partner in my life.

It's almost as if the fact that it's (potentially) what is causing the issue for my Dd & the relationship that a switch has been flipped. I had assumed this would be temporary and I was only feeling this way as it was causing the issue with my Dd.
I hadn't mentioned it as I'd assumed that's what has been causing it and that my feelings would go back to the way they were if I could resolve the anxiety/stress the relationship is causing in my life.

I genuinely love him. Even more-so than my exH who I was with for 12 years, married for almost 10.

I'd be broken hearted if I was to end it. But if it's best for my Dd I'd put her first and do it. I just don't know if it is the right thing for her, or if me ending it could cause more problems long term as she thinks she is in control as per PPs comments)

Well, if you've gone from saying everything between you is good, and how he's a caring, considerate man, to now (perhaps because of this thread highlighting things), saying you see his personality as a flaw, don't like it, and get annoyed over things he's said or done, that you believe would annoy your daughter, who isn't even there - then maybe you should split up.

She’s only 10 so that’s very very young to be introduced to some one in my book.

When you’re little you want your parents all to yourself.

She’s feeling alone in the world and worries she’ll lose you too.

I used to feel that way. Your DD sounds extremely sensitive. There are a few books of hyper sensitive children.

it may be worth reading some.

The fact you’re attracted to someone ND may mean you might be too, even your DD. Birds of a feather flock together.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is part of ADHD. And anxiety is part of autism.

Anyway, I would probably agree something with her that feels ok like seeing him every other weekend but that he has no further contact with your DD until she’s 18.

I would have hated to share my mum at 10 years old. She was my everything.

My DM had two marriage proposals but I never met any of her suitors. She kept her love life completely separate. I didn’t learn of them until I was in my 20s.

I meant in my DDs eyes his 'extroverted' personality was a flaw. I don't mean that it was a flaw in my eyes.
I've probably been more attuned to it since she pointed it out and can see from her pov it could potentially be annoying. So from that aspect I was starting to resent it.

However, I then swing the other way and think it's perhaps not his personality that bothers her, but the fact I have someone else in my life (regardless of who that is)

I definitely suffer from anxiety. Hyper sensitive would be an accurate description for my daughter but only in recent years, I assumed it was linked to hormonal changes etc.

Are there any particular books on hyper sensitivity you could recommend? Thanks

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/zero-six/202202/10-traits-highly-sensitive-children?amp

this is the original book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms/dp/0007163932

it might be worth looking on Amazon for anything updated.

She needs help with her self esteem

“I am awesome” is a book for kids. It’s good. That’s worth getting for her.

This is nice too, for you and her to feel more positive.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/You-Woke-Up-Worthy-Self-Love-ebook/dp/B07TJ253ZZ/ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmr1_1?crid=16M2W6EMILR66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.twjvjEXNrrjT6JkC1oNEBwVrzEzarKsMjDqBkQNOncaNyWj8lMoB3li7quvoBqzrI3esTF8gmb2bNe6fDn-OLzUEvgcT6Ii4KoS9_uIVAHg.FyKFDV57QqOfBAzeVwnY-SjbjCRipNR3omDsYDwN8b8&dib_tag=se&keywords=i+woke+up+worthy&qid=1718459024&sprefix=i+woke+up+worthy%2Caps%2C106&sr=8-1-fkmr1

@AppleStruddle123 thank you

And yes hormones affect anxiety. My anxiety went through the roof when I hit puberty. Until then I was blissfully unaware.

I've asked her quite a few times and she doesn't know if it's the situation and/or him as a person. She just has a general feeling of anxiety/unease about the whole thing.

That sounds like just children's instinctive worry to keep a parent they're dependent on to themselves - a generalised unease that she might be pushed out and a protective urge to

Whatever, I'd just generally cut back on seeing them together. It's obviously too much for her and it will be better all round to separate these parts of your life for a while.

@koalakid8 I wonder if the reason you are now finding his behaviour, something you once loved about him, now difficult is because you know your dd doesn't like it, and you want her to like him. Almost like a second hand embarrassment? If he didn't do whatever he was doing then she would like him and you could stay together and grow as a family.

Your dd is ok with her step mum as she has always been there, and she doesn't know about the history.

Up until recently it was just you and your dd and now you have a new friend who in her eyes is taking you away from her.

It sounds like she is more jealous of your friendship/relationship rather than your partner being an unlikeable person, or has done anything untoward. I think @DrRuthGalloway insight on the three different ways of dealing with emotions and feelings was really good and I'd go for their 3rd option when dealing with how your dd feels.

You haven't done anything wrong in introducing your child to your long term partner! He's been in your life for ages.

I think keep them separate as it's not working out them being together and don't feel guilty about having your own life when she's at her dad's. Continue your lovely 1:1 together while she's with you.

I'm wondering whether you titled this thread as you have because you wanted the majority to say you should end it for your child and now overwhelmingly people haven't said this,you are looking at how you feel about him and what it's like to spend time with him. I believe you'd know if he was right for you and your daughter. If you want him in her life he's got to work for her. She's only 10, not 15 or 16 and likely to leave soon. It's your decision what is right for her and not see it as a power battle with her manipulating.

I havent rtft, just your posts OP, so I'm not sure whether anyone else has mentioned this already.

Do you think that she is scared you will love her less because you love someone else too? She might think there is only a finite amount of love available in one person, and she feels like she will lose out.

The other thing I wondered is whether any of her friends are in the situation of their parent having a new partner and a new baby sibling. She might be scared of that happening to her, and that she will get pushed out.

That part about how I've been feeling towards him recently is 100% spot on. You've just been able to articulate it better than me

YOU DESERVE A LIFE OP!

that’s all there is to it really.

I have an autistic DS him and his sd get on really well but when DS pushes unreasonable boundaries he comes down harder than me. I step in and do all reasonable assurances etc but the boundaries work well so sometimes you do need to push back.

They seem to be very unusual heavy feelings for a 10 year old about her friends, especially when she's popular.

It sounds like abandonment issues?
Has anything happened in her life that could have triggered that?
You say you split with her dad when she was a baby, has he always been consistent in her life? Does he have any more kids and did she feel pushed out after they arrived?

Or do you think her dad could be possible making any comments about your boyfriend to your daughter? even subtle ones? or do you have a good co-parenting relationship with him?

I just wanted to come back to this thread to say thanks very much to every single person that posted.

I posted looking for a bit of advice but in my head there were 2 options: split with bf; or, work on the relationship between dd and bf and find a way for her to accept him more.

I've come to realise that I need to keep the 2 relationships entirely separate for now but the biggest and most important lesson to me was that I had to gently discuss with Dd that I was an adult and would spend my 'alone' time with whoever I wanted and she didn't get a say in that.

I'm currently still having doubts about my future with my bf but regardless I think this is a valuable lesson for Dd & I, in that I have to take charge and not let her have so much say/control in my life. But also that she has a say in who she has a relationship with.

If I do split with bf further down the line it will be clear this was my decision and she didn't get to influence it. Also, this thread highlighted doubts I was having in my relationship that I'd been pushing out of my mind - even more reason not to have bf spending time with dd for now!

Thank you all so much