Would you end a good relationship for your child?

[koalakid8]

Regular poster but name changed.....

I'm 43, been with my bf (42) for 2.5 years. Everything is good between us. Couldn't ask for a more caring/considerate/loving man. He's very understand of the situation, patient and willing to take things slowly.

I split with my 10 yo DDs dad when she was a baby. Caught him cheating and turns out it started during my pregnancy. Got divorced and he's now living with his AP. Dd is okay with that situation and likes her stepmum.

However, she is so uncomfortable with my bf. Sometimes she says she likes him as a person but is insecure and worried I love him more than her. Other times she says she doesn't like him personally and would be happier if I was with someone else.

For context she first met him c. 18 months ago. It's been very gradual, sees him a few times a month, days out, him coming over for dinner etc. Nothing too in her face and always based around what we think she would enjoy doing.

However things seem to be getting. Worse rather than better and the whole situation is really overwhelming her and causing quite severe anxiety.

She's recently started therapy for this amongst a couple of other anxiety based issues.

My bf is really laidback and accommodating, willing to fit in with what suits us. It's getting to the point my Dd doesn't want us even going on dates when she's at her dad's as she's worried we'll be building a bond without her. The whole things is just causing her so much anxiety and stress.

Obviously I could keep it separate and not share the details of when/if I see him when she's at her dads/school etc. But I then feel like I'm letting her think she can control/manipulate what I do in my own time.

Part of me thinks at 10 yo she shouldn't be having so much of a say, but on the other hand, I don't want to force a situation on her that causes so much stress and anxiety.

Would I be silly just to end it to avoid all of this added complexity? It's putting such a dampener on things that I'm then not even enjoying time with my bf through guilt. But if I allow this to happen will I resent my Dd for this longer term?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

She’s not been diagnosed as ND - that’s conjecture. It isn’t helpful to validate anxieties if they are unfounded. She sees him 2-4 times a month for a few hours so I would refute that this is causing her suffering. The OP is prepared to scale down the spending time as well. It is the thought of her mum having a boyfriend that causes anxiety. That is not rational because anxiety is not rational. What if the thought of her mum having a job or her mum using the toilet caused her anxiety? It needs to be worked around whether or not she is ND. She will not be helped by removing the boyfriend because the anxiety will be transferred to something else. She needs to be taught resilience and techniques to manage her anxiety but giving in to her doesn’t help.

Jesus Christ. Not everyone who has anxiety is ND. Not ever kid who has some sort of separation issue is ND. Can we just stop labelling people all the time.

Of course your daughter comes first but you should also be able to have a life too.
It's incredibly difficult to meet someone nice so I'd be much more inclined to work with the situation than end the relationship.

I think you've been very sensible - introducing your new partner gradually so it's hard to say what else you could do different.
Maybe focus on your relationship with your daughter. Look for common interests and fun things you can do together.
She doesn't seem to have any justification for not warming to him so I would bear with it.
Just a final thought, your ex isn't winding her up is he? Out of jealousy that you have now met someone else?

She is possibly ND though (for a range of reasons wider than I shared on this post). Surely if a parent thinks their child is potentially ND that's enough for people offering advice/opinions to take into account?

I've not gone in to detail as she is only potentially ND. The reason I've not expanded further is that I didn't want this to turn into a post about that. If she is ND she is very high functioning.

In terms of anxiety, she had been formally diagnosed and in undergoing therapy/counselling

Have you had any counselling yourself? I found that it gave me the tools to help me talk to my children about things and how to help with their anxieties.

@VJBR that might be a good idea. I've had extensive counselling myself in the past with a few different therapists. However none of that has been since my Dd has started struggling with anxiety. I do feel a bit out of my depth and unsure of how to deal with it.

@koalakid8 that age is the one where you start questioning it and worrying about parents. I went through a phase of really worrying and getting anxious that something would happen to mum or dad when I was at school. They weren’t splitting up but I was still crazily anxious. I now recognise my worry was concerned by Dad having a bad accident when I was about 6 and coming home to find out and also Mum had to go into hospital. Your DD is likely afraid of the possibility of loss of you because she has ‘lost’ her Dad and you’re getting the reaction from that event. I don’t think it’s about your specific partner and while I know you would end it, I don’t think it sends the right message either. You obviously need to keep up the reassurance and some kind of counselling would likely help and I’m sure there are loads of good books on the subject too.

I meant fear not feet of change. I would consider exploring whether she’s ND. Get some parenting guides re parenting an autistic child and see if the techniques work for your dd. It might also give strategies for parenting them through fear of change and managing anxious feelings.

Incidentally the validate - normalise- explore mantra for anxiety works regardless of neurodiversity. Probably even more important in ND kids actually, to help unpick and explore their bodily responses to things where they may find this tricky ordinarily.

Surely if a parent thinks their child is potentially ND that's enough for people offering advice/opinions to take into account?

I don’t agree with you on this regard. There is a disproportionate amount of ND diagnoses thrown around MN and I think that this trend often distracts from other viable viewpoints and solutions.

I think keeping a distance is appropriate - it would be beyond unfair for him to move in or take over a lot of your time together, when she doesn't feel comfortable around him, but she also doesn't get to dictate what you do in your private time. Of course if that makes the relationship too difficult or restricted for you/your DP then it might end up ending it anyway, unfortunately, but I think continuing to see him with some distance from her is totally reasonable.

With anxiety actually accommodating it too much can make it worse apparently, because it just validates the feelings whereas actually she needs to develop strategies to cope with situations outside of her control.

Have you actually asked her what exactly she is worried about?

Also - "It's not your decision what I do, I am an adult and you are a child. If I hear about your friend reporting on my time I will be discussing it with her parents. That is not considerate or well-mannered behaviour".

And, definitely don't dump boyfriend on 10 year old's say so. But don't bring him home for a while until the therapy has had a chance to help (6 mths?)

@Crankymonkey sorry I had misunderstood your point. I thought you were saying it was unfair of other posters to assume/suggest she could be ND. I was just making the point I have my own suspicions.
I'm struggling to differentiate between ND and anxiety symptoms but accept it may be time for professional input (I've not pursued until now as although I've been wondering it has seemed mild/manageable)

I've asked her quite a few times and she doesn't know if it's the situation and/or him as a person. She just has a general feeling of anxiety/unease about the whole thing.

As for her friend next door, she's met my bf too and likes him, so a few times she's been out playing and my bf parked in the drive and said hello to her. Her friend then says to dd excitedly "oh I saw X last night". A couple of times since my Dd has then asked if she'd seen him

@koalakid8 while it’s quite sweet her friends are excited and tell her they’ve seen your partner etc, that’s only going to add to her fear of missing out/anxiety. I know you shouldn’t have to, but in order to cultivate the ‘out of sight out of mind’ could he park down the road or round the corner in the short term? You have nothing to hide but I think while you work out how to help her through this, it might be an idea. Also when she asks of course not suggesting you lie but be a bit more ‘oh I’m not sure yet, he might be going away’ - she’s becoming too invested in what you are doing ‘without her’?

she's worried we'll be building a bond without her.

I'm glad she's getting therapy because she needs it.

What about her dad's bond with his wife? Is she worried about that?

If you pander to her, you are doing her a disservice. The adult world won't pander.

I have ND kids OP. My DC are absolutely 'fine' with their dad who left me for someone else. By 'fine' I mean they mask at dad's. I get all of the challenging behaviour because of the big emotions. I get the separation anxiety. I get 20 questions about what I do when they go to their dad's. I can't leave them at home alone while I go to the corner shop at the end of the road or put the bins out. But with dad they are 'fine'. I am not even dating!

What I'm trying to say is that I think that your DD would be like this whether you had a partner or not. It's a weird age. My kids are 9 and 11 and there are definitely lots of things they don't understand at this age like hormones. This is where they start forming their peer groups (11YO DS talks about the popular girls). You've got high school looming and the changes that brings. They're suddenly expected to behave differently and they don't quite get it. They also can't express how they feel about it either.

Get her therapy if you can. Do as much as you can to spend time with her and reassure her. Reassure her you are also a person outside of mum and you deserve to be happy. But you still love her. I would maintain your relationship if you are happy with it. She is likely scared and anxious that things are changing. Reassure her that even though there is change, your love for her will never change.

Then it's not him. It's probably the potential of change to your dyad and "how things have always been". This is (genuinely) not surprising. Think back to the upheaval of your feelings when you separated, outside of your anger there's often a temptation to stick with "the devil you know" because change is scary. Unknowns and change ARE scary. Her reaction is not unreasonable and it's quite a valid feeling to have.

However if you dump the boyfriend for this reason you just reinforce her fear, that you having a boyfriend is not something she can possibly cope with.

My problem is that my Dd asks if I'm planning to see my bf before she goes to her dads and if I say "yes" or even "maybe" she has a meltdown about going to her dads and refuses to go. First thing she asks when she comes home is if I've seen him while she's been away.

This is not normal behaviour. At 10, she should be able to understand that mum deserves a special friend too. She should have developed some empathy.

I totally agree that a relationship never stays "stationary", it progresses or it starts dying or better said decaying and with it comes a lot of toxicity, and this applies whether you are in the first stages of dating or married for 20 years with a guy who you swear is a great father but often neglects your needs.

Obviously, nobody has a crystal ball to know what direction the relationship will take, what I would say is that if there are things that can be deal breakers in the future (he gambles, is bad with money, you feel sometimes threatened when he is angry, he doesn't have much patience with your DC) end it because these things always get worse with time,

But ending it because he may want to settle down and have children of his own in the future... nope, someone wanting to settle down in a long term relationship is actually a good sign (unless you want someone for fun and sex only), with regards to the children, there is a big "may" there. If you are sure you don't want more children and he is sure he does, then it is, obviously, a deal breaker, otherwise wait and see.

Agree with this, apologies OP but this looks very much child who has been given too much influence over the household so she feels she can dictate what her mother does.

You don't need to answer my next question in this thread but just think about it: Is she dictating how other things are done in the house? asking for her demands to be attended always first? Worried about you and your safety? If so, don't allow her to do so for her own good: Children need to know you are in charge to be to be able to relax knowing that their parents can be trusted to make decisions that keep them safe.

A child who feels the need to become a little adult, acting as a concerned husband/wife, is likely to feel stressed all the time as that is too much responsibility to carry being so young.

When my exH and I split, DS, then 5 became very protective of me. There was one day when a car almost hit mine on my way to pick him up from school. When I mentioned about the incident he looked at me alarmed, asked if I was ok before he went to check the car for damage. Cute, you may say, but that was the moment when I realised that he had started carrying worries he shouldn't have. From that on, if he looked worried about something that was out of his remit, I would just give a quick reassurance and let him know that was not something he should worry about because I was taking care of it.

I’m a single parent too and I feel your pain; my ex has a girlfriend and it’s fine because the kids don’t live with him, but I date away from the kids because I’m trying to be a stable influence and I don’t want a string of boyfriends in and out if their lives; it’s tough and it’s not fair.

I definitely don’t think you should break up with him; he makes you happy and you have a right to date whoever you choose. But she has a right not to have to be around him if it makes her uncomfortable. I’d stick to seeing him only when she’s at her dads, and lay down some boundaries regarding her questions; your private life is your private life and you don’t have to answer to her or anyone else about who you see in your spare time!

When she’s with you, shower her with love and help her feel secure and go enjoy yourself on your nights off.

This was my experience, in case it helps.

My husband and I separated when my daighter was 6.

After a year, I dated casually but nothing I'd have introduced her to.

When she was about 9, she told me she didn't want to ever meet anyone I dated. She didn't mind me dating but she never wanted anything to do with them. So I was mostly single, interspersed with a bit of casual dating.

When she was 13, I met someone I dated for a couple of years. She met him amd spent time with him but told me after we split that she was glad we didn't move in together.

Then I met someone and she loves him. He moved in about 6 months ago and it was actually her suggestion. She has a great relationship with him and they've been out and done a few things without me! She's 18 now.

She did, however, recently ask why I'd never dated anyone because soany f her friends have really great stepdads and she feels she missed out! Can't do right for doing wring sometimes! 🤣

She may come round to the idea eventually. She may not. I wouldn't let a child dictate who I spent time with during the times she is with her dad but I think it's reasonable for him to not be part of her life. The most important thing is her comfort and security. She's only 10. By the time she's 13, 15, 18, she might feel very differently and she will be off living her own life then. 10 is a tricky age and she will become increasingly independent over the next few years.

Children can also feel very insecure when they are given touch control/responsibility at at too young an age. I would be reassuring her that he wasn't going to take her place; she is your priority; you will never love him more than her; but you will be spending time with him when she's at her dad's etc.

In the long run, as she matures, becomes more independent and understands more, she may also feel.guilt if you break up with him for her. Children need love, reassurance and clear boundaries. Not to get their own way every time.

Essentially this!

With anxiety actually accommodating it too much can make it worse apparently, because it just validates the feelings whereas actually she needs to develop strategies to cope with situations outside of her control.

And this.

If you pander to her, you are doing her a disservice. The adult world won't pander.

And this.

Dealing with a degree of discomfort is normal for everyone of all ages.