Would you end a good relationship for your child?

[koalakid8]

Regular poster but name changed.....

I'm 43, been with my bf (42) for 2.5 years. Everything is good between us. Couldn't ask for a more caring/considerate/loving man. He's very understand of the situation, patient and willing to take things slowly.

I split with my 10 yo DDs dad when she was a baby. Caught him cheating and turns out it started during my pregnancy. Got divorced and he's now living with his AP. Dd is okay with that situation and likes her stepmum.

However, she is so uncomfortable with my bf. Sometimes she says she likes him as a person but is insecure and worried I love him more than her. Other times she says she doesn't like him personally and would be happier if I was with someone else.

For context she first met him c. 18 months ago. It's been very gradual, sees him a few times a month, days out, him coming over for dinner etc. Nothing too in her face and always based around what we think she would enjoy doing.

However things seem to be getting. Worse rather than better and the whole situation is really overwhelming her and causing quite severe anxiety.

She's recently started therapy for this amongst a couple of other anxiety based issues.

My bf is really laidback and accommodating, willing to fit in with what suits us. It's getting to the point my Dd doesn't want us even going on dates when she's at her dad's as she's worried we'll be building a bond without her. The whole things is just causing her so much anxiety and stress.

Obviously I could keep it separate and not share the details of when/if I see him when she's at her dads/school etc. But I then feel like I'm letting her think she can control/manipulate what I do in my own time.

Part of me thinks at 10 yo she shouldn't be having so much of a say, but on the other hand, I don't want to force a situation on her that causes so much stress and anxiety.

Would I be silly just to end it to avoid all of this added complexity? It's putting such a dampener on things that I'm then not even enjoying time with my bf through guilt. But if I allow this to happen will I resent my Dd for this longer term?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

She has has separation anxiety off & on since the end of lockdown. Doesn't particularly enjoy going to her dad's, although it's more the transition and she's happy once she's there.

She's had a few friendship issues in school. The teachers say she's really popular and she gets invited to lots of parties (even when only a few kids get invited), play dates, cinema trips etc. However, she doesn't feel like anyone likes her, she feels like she's useless, a rubbish friend etc
So when she's had a bad day and she's at her dad's if she says to him she gets told "that's life" or to "suck it up". He's not a bad dad as such, he's just got more of a tough love approach and not really into discussing feelings or emotions.

My Dd is very sensitive and open about how she's feeling but has said she can no longer tell him as doesn't understand and just tells her to get on with it. So she's stopped trying to talk to him about anything

Yes. I did.

I had a relationship with a single dad for almost 5 years. His dd was 8 years older than my ds. Then his dd got a car and a boyfriend, and didn't want to be with her df any more. She flew the nest and he suddenly had more freedom.

Then he told me I had to 'get rid' of ds at least half the time if I wanted our relationship to develop. Not sure what he had in mind, some sort of left-luggage arrangement for 9 year olds? 😡

So I ended it. I didn't need to think twice. That was 7 years ago and I haven't regretted it for a second. Such selfishness was a total turn-off.

My ds has flourished. Confident, relaxed. 🙂I'll wait another year before I try to date again, and then only away from home until ds heads off to uni. It's my choice. I don't mind.

Exactly this.

My brother used to wreck relationships my mother had, and she ended up very sad and very lonely.

Single parent here. I think the idea that she can control what you do when she is not around could potentially be contributing to her anxiety, not reducing it. It's way too much responsibility for a kid.
She would probably benefit from clearer boundaries. The part about getting a friend to report on you while she is away is not acceptable.
Well done for starting therapy for her, definitely be patient as it does take time.
I also wonder if perhaps you are tense when the BF and DD are together, which they are both picking up on - it makes her more rigid and him more eager to please, neither of which is working out great for the relationships between all three of you. You might benefit from therapy. Also do you have single mom friends? Sharing perspectives can really help.

You deserve a life. You were not responsible for the break down of your marriage - your husband was but somehow he is allowed a relationship but you're not because your daughter can't make up whether she dislikes the idea of you having a relationship or she more particularly dislikes the specific man. She interrogates you about whether you are seeing your boyfriend when she is not even there and you actually answer her. She is a 10 year old girl who is ruling the roost and you are pandering to her and justifying it on the basis that she is closest to you. Start by refusing to discuss what you're doing when she's not there and move on to shutting her down when she so articulately decides to share the minutiae of her feelings about your boyfriend and your dating life. I'd concentrate on seeing your boyfriend away from her and/or hiring a babysitter for a few hours if you go out to dinner. You need to set boundaries and assert your authority unless you want to live your life at the mercy of a 10 year old's whims. I know there is a Mumsnet view thar you should remain celibate till your children leave home and are off enjoying their young lives while you are left years later pehaps lonely and on your own but congratulating yourself that you did the right thing. I don't think this is the right thing.

hi @koalakid8

I’m in a similar situation - I ended the marriage bc of exH’s abuse in late 2022, exH has a new gf, I have reconnected with an ex bf (fro. high school! the late 90s 😂).

Kids like exH’s girlfriend as exH is naturally an arsehole but is still masking with gf so “dad is nicer when gf is there”.

Kids were initially VERY anti me having a boyfriend at all - similar to your DD as they felt it would mean less love for them. We have taken it very slowly which is quite easy bc it’s a long distance relationship. When boyfriend is here he stays at an airbnb down the street. In between we regularly facetime and call and the kids talk which feels like a nice gradual low pressure way for them to get to know him.

My kids always come first for me, there is no question about that. But equally I think role modelling a loving and healthy relationship is not a negative thing. I don’t think that being a martyr and taking a vow of celibacy at age 41 would have been a positive thing. It helps a lot that my DP is a very solid calming presence, the opposite of my very moody, stressful exH. There are no eggshells (and my eldest DS was quite anxious post split but much improved after therapy). Your DP doesn’t sound moody but his “acquired taste” personality might be creating a similar eggshells effect for your DD? What do you like about him?

I think your dd sees you as the security blanket and that the bf is taking you away from her - try and spend more alone time with her without your bf around to reassure her but do spent time together as a 3. You might want to seek therapy for your dd too, sounds like she has some anxiety issues going on.
I don’t think you should leave your partner because of her esp since he sounds like a nice match for you (I have kids too).

I think there is anxiety mixed with stropping going on.

It's OK for her to feel anxious and worried. But don't be too soft with her. You can dial back the contact she has with him, but you can do whatever you want when she is with her Dad.

Reiterate that's it's different with your bf, you can't love him more because love for a bf compared to a child is different and that she is your world. If you are consistent hopefully she will settle down. I wonder if she's pushed a bit, seen you back down or change things which is stoking her anxiety more and encouraging this to be a vicious cycle.

She's 10, it's not up to her. If it has minimal impact upon her ie. You're seeing him when she's not home, then she doesn't get a say. But encourage her to talk to you and be open and try to understand where her feelings are coming from if you think it's more than anxiety.

You don't mention other DC and I wonder if she's so used to it being you and her and you being her all that she feels threatened? Which isn't a bad thing in a way, but she needs to learn that your love for her won't change because someone else is on the periphery. That's an important thing for her to learn and enabling otherwise could be more problematic further down the line (I'm thinking a boyfriend who wants to hang out with his mates and her not coping with that either etc). This is a good opportunity to help her develop security in relationships, sit with the tricky feelings and work through them. Getting rid of the bf avoids it.

You say he's laid back then say yes hyper and carrying in all the time and perhaps she doesn't know how to take him. I wouldn't want my child to feel like this in their home. He wouldn't be for me, there is no future with a man who makes my child feel wrong footed.

I think the idea that she can control what you do when she is not around could potentially be contributing to her anxiety, not reducing it. It's way too much responsibility for a kid.

wise words from @Cardamomandlemons

I am sure you reassure her like crazy. But would something like running through how you love various people (your sister, your best friend etc) and none of that stops you fiercely loving her, and that your boyfriend is no different, be of any help.

I might also talk to her therapist- obviously there is confidentiality, but you could outline options to the therapist eg about how often you do things with DD and boyfriend. Therapist may be willing to comment, I don’t know.

Finally, what if you and BF had a routine whilst she was away so the answers to her questions were set well in advance and so not causing and on the day meltdown. Eg when she is away, you and BF go for pizza and watch a movie/go for a walk and Sunday roast etc.

You sound like a lovely caring mum.

No, I wouldn't let a 10 year old dictate my life, especially if her Dad cheated during pregnancy, left me for that women to start a new life with, and literally left me holding the baby and all that entails whilst he's moved on. Why would he deserve a relationship but not me?

I would however reduce the interaction between the daughter and boyfriend, as it is your relationship, not hers. I also wouldn't lie about when you're seeing him, but equally I would be firm but fair that you understand her feelings etc, but she cannot tell you what to do, or who you can spend time with, nor check up on you if there's been a car on the drive etc. Do you have counselling sessions together?

I don't know if he makes her feel like this or not.
He's laidback in terms of the bigger picture, no pressure to progress or spend more time together if Dd doesn't want to.
Personality wise he's quite hyper and extrovert. Dd can actually be the same and I thought they'd get on well - maybe they would if we could resolve the anxiety/insecurity?

I know it's at least partly anxiety/insecurity or she wouldn't care what I did when she was at her dads

I was a very anxious child. As an adult I was diagnosed as ND. I wonder if they are setting each other off? Is it worth exploring whether your dd is actually ND herself?

I say she doesn’t get to dictate your life, but her attempts to control you and keep everything the same and her feet of change absolutely sounds like how my neurodiversity expressed itself.

@HazelWicker that's a great point about me potentially creating issues for her future relationships.

I just wish I knew the right thing to do by her and I'd do it in a heartbeat.

If I end it now it could worsen her anxiety but giving her too much control. But if I don't end it now I could be making her worse by having a bf that doesn't make her feel comfortable

I've actually wondered in the past of my Dd could be ND (all this aside)

No, I wouldn’t end the relationship for her. She is 10 and she would be considered too young to make any significant decisions. The idea that kids always have a good gut instinct is nonsense. They do not, no more than any other person. He sounds like a nice person and you are happy with him.
It is good that she is having therapy. But you would be sending a terrible message by giving in to her entirely unreasonable demands. She clearly doesn’t expect it of her dad so why should your life be on hold? Also if you do give in to her on this, there is every chance that she will still have issues with you dating when she is older and will try to drive partners away.
She needs to be told gently but firmly that you can do what you like when she is at her dads, that you love her and she is the priority but that you also have a life.
Also unless there is literal abuse going on, a child won’t “thank” you or be grateful if you dump a partner on their say so. Instead, they will feel they got their own way and they will know that they can get their own way with most other things in their life. Not a healthy message to send.

No, I wouldn't let a 10 year old dictate my life, especially if her Dad cheated during pregnancy, left me for that women to start a new life with, and literally left me holding the baby and all that entails whilst he's moved on. Why would he deserve a relationship but not me?

it’s not about “ deserve” - that’s a head comparison, not a heart comparison. The OW has been in DD’s life as a step mum for her whole remembered life.

Mum having a BF is a change, and change is scary. Also Mum, not Dad, gives the emotional support and so if that reduces from Mum, DD doesn’t have a back up.

Personally I chose not to date at all.

For several reasons

1. The most likely person to abuse a child is a step parent.
2. it's expensive in time, money, emotions and headspace
3. working in a Secondary School the older children often commented about the struggles of having a step dad at home even if actually they really liked them. At that age most said they would be happier if their mum was dating for companionship but didn't like it when they lived together even step dads that had been in their lives a long time seemed to not be favoured in the teen years, general butting heads, or having someone else in their space all the time, when walking out the shower etc when previously it had just been them and mum, it just upsets the dynamic.

Step mums were often fine though, as they often didn't spend as much time at dads and didn't see them as often or didn't view dad's house as their home or their space as much so it was less of an issue.

4. If I were you I'd dial it back, go out for dates by all means be companionable if that's something he is happy with but I'd leave it until she's got over the bump of puberty which is a rough road and not bring a partner round regularly until the 16ish when she has more independence for being at home or not.

That's not for everyone though, you might want marriage and more children which puts a bit of a ticking clock on the situation.

Why did you hate him?

Yes change is scary but that doesn’t mean that children need to be protected against it at all costs. They need to learn resilience and how to manage change. The alternative is that mum puts her life entirely on hold until the DD can handle change. If she is ND, that might be well into adulthood or never. She is not being forced to live with this man or spend excessive time with him. She does not want her mum to spend time with him even when she’s not around. On what level is that something that should be indulged. And despite what the DD says, she would no doubt have similar objections to any other future partner.

@Singleandproud thanks, if this relationship doesn't work out I may well go down that route too. Thanks for your perspective.

I definitely don't want any more dc - not overly fussed if I ever marry again so noticing clock. My main worry is ending up alone when Dd becomes more independent and has her own life

I think this is good

But also find a way to help her share her worries and reassure you'll keep it confidential from your bf. Eg a mum and daughter diary?

She needs constant reassurance she's still your number one.

I wonder if she hasn't got a full sibling if she feels a bit alone. Like dad and his gf (and any kids?) are one unit and you and your bf are becoming another and she doesn't have anyone just for her?

What are her friendships like at school? Does she have a close best friend? This clinginess to you might imply she doesn't?

Then I would talk about it before the movement of her leaving. Eg if she goes to dad on Fridays, on Wednesday have a chat about what she'll do with dad and tell her what you'll be doing - lots of stuff for her eg the food shop changing her sheets researching your summer holiday and you'll go to the gym and you'll see boyfriend for lunch too. Don't leave it till she's about to leave. And don't let her feel like she's forgotten when she's not at home.

Also remind her that she has a
To go to her dads whether or not you have a bf. In case she feels she's being sent away.

This disgusts me. The selfishness!