Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

You had a termination 9 months ago, the father didn't want involvement and you were asking about benefits and housing, you met a man 1 month later and 8 months on you're "stable" and talking about marriage and KIDS after 8 months, with what happened to you 9 months ago

Busted

Troll 🤣

Return all the gifts. The holiday is too much by itself. Madness. Then put the £1k towards some decent psychotherapy so that you can work through your issues. You’re going to need it. I don’t see this lasting long term.

It is way too much.

Genuinely I think you need to reassess your relationship with money because even if you earnt £150k - what you bought was still way over the top for an 8 month relationship.

When I was your age and me and my BF (now DH) were going through a similar scenario - we went to Alton Towers for the day and stayed at a hotel for 2 nights. It was pricey for us then but we enjoyed it.

Great that you like to give gifts but you don't have to spend thousands of £s

If you gave me some sliders and sunglasses I would have no idea how much you had spent unless it occurred to me to google.

I wouldn't really know an ordinary person would spend more than £30 on sliders or say £70 on sunglasses so that would be the most I would guess at the costs. I think it's possible that you could give them to your partner and he won't know what silly money you spent on them unless you tell him. It would be better to return them though if you can. You are trying to save for a house and it all seems a bit more money than sense - why not buy him £30 shoes? What is the point of these super expensive ones that makes them over 10x as expensive - are they 10X as good? Putting them away for another occasion seems a bit of a waste - surely the holiday/summer is the only time you would need them?

At 26 I was a skint postdoc just started and lived on cereal, beans on toast, Aldi coffee and flapjacks.

Well that's says it all doesn't it.

@Howdon If you were a member of my family I would give you a hug and tell you how proud I was of you. It is clear you have been through a really difficult time in the last 12 months and yet you have pulled yourself through, kept going and have even achieved a promotion. You should be proud and you do deserve a boyfriend that treats you well, however I think you have gone a little overboard. Take back the gifts, the holiday is super generous enough.

Can I suggest that some counselling to process all that you have been through might be a good idea. Use the money from the gift refunds on yourself. This boyfriend may be Mr Right or he might be Mr Right-Now, but either way, you deserve someone that treats you well. It should be the fundamental foundation in any relationship.

way over the top for an 8mnth relationship, think this shows immaturity on your side I'm afraid. Trying to hard to please I'm afraid.

Are you millionaires?

Of course its too much... you haven't even been together a year.

For my DH 30 I booked a similar holiday but for 1/10th that price but we had been together nearly 10 years... never mind another £800+ on top of that.

I love buying stuff for people, its my love language but not at insane prices like that. 'showing you care' gifts are often the little deeply thoughtful and personal gifts not 'I spent hundreds and hundreds on insert mass produced brand product for you' thats just a desperate need to show off.

Someone else mentioned 'Love bombing' and they have hit the nail on the head... maybe look into why thats so toxic.

If I was given Gucci sliders I would be straight on Google to see how much they cost 🤣

I’ve been with my husband for 6 years. I don’t buy him this much stuff and I could probably afford to. That’s insanely over the top for an 8 month relationship!!

Not that I’d normally suggest searching OP’s posts but there’s one about not trusting her boyfriend on social media and apparently he doesn’t post pics with her, just by himself.

All in all not great.

There are some men who love being kept by their partners, I used to work with one man. He was lovely and appreciated the gifts but was almost a bit embarrassed by it because it’d be LV belts, anything designer but with obvious logos, designer gold cufflinks, then she’d pay for expensive holidays and she lived in a flat owned by her family in a posh part of London. Her family was wealthy so she paid for everything. She wanted to marry him but I think the wealth put him off really, he had a good job, but just a standard office job, not high paying. They’re now broken up a few years, he’s married with a baby but not living the same rich lifestyle and I don’t think he misses it.

It's too much, OP. You are clearly very generous and that's lovely, but it's way too much and from what he's said, he will feel very uncomfortable.

I would try to get a refund on some items and/or keep something back for Xmas.

It doesn't sound like that stable a relationship, and even if it was, you'd be better off using the money to give yourself security. It's great that you have a high income, but you should prioritise yourself and not fritter it on a boyfriend.

I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

Designer sliders costing £310, a niche fragrance costing £245, etc. would be the last thing I would want if I'd experienced unemployment and financial difficulty in the last few months.

Unless you are Taylor Swift, this is a lot of money to fritter away.

Why do you feel the need to spend so much? It suggests insecurity and honesty is quite sad in the face of the global crisis we are in with consumerism. I would be totally overwhelmed with those gifts. But I don't buy designer stuff so it's not my thing.
For context I've been with my husband for 19 years, we're both top 1% earners, and still only spend about £100 on each other for birthday unless it's something techy.

Sorry OP but I find your behaviour a bit odd. You're trying too hard to impress him or show off with showy gifts when in fact you don't even have your own home and it's not even a year since you were asking for benefits.

do your parents know what you've spent?

Waaaaaaay too much. Its love bombing and you sound like a red flag

That's one hell of a promotion from benefits to splashing thousands on a birthday for a new boyfriend.

Yes.

You cannot buy someone’s love.

Giving him money isn’t going to make him stay.

No one should be lending their partner of just a few months money and then spending thousands on a holiday and gifts.

This is no different to the creepy men who pay for young women to be in a relationship with them.

The holiday has been paid for so go and have fun on it.
But return everything else.

When you return, stop throwing money at him and just be in a normal, equal relationship.

If he ends things because you don’t give him money, then you know he never truly wanted to be with you.

The main problem is, will he feel that he has to spend a similar amount on your birthday?

You can waste a lot of money buying presents for each other once you start doing things like this.

Sliders for over £300??? Are they gold plated?

How much do you earn?

It's way too much. I have been with my bf for the same time and I got us a one night stay at a UK city on the weekend, a fancy t shirt some chocolates and a book. I think that's actually a bit too much for this lengh of relationship but he did the same sort of thing for my birthday a few months ago so it feels more justified.

Over £300 for sliders just makes me absolutely cringe with how shallow and materialistic someone must be to buy them. Also wouldn't fancy a luxury holiday in such a corrupt country. But I assume he shares your values and tastes so it's no good asking what everyone else thinks.

Return the gifts and spend the money on some therapy.