Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

I would feel awful, if I were him.

I am happily married for many years and would only treat my husband and father of my DC to a short trip of maybe two nights max and for something like a 50th (when couples might have more disposable income). I don’t think 30 is much of a big deal tbh and many are still not on the property ladder and things. Holidays that are longer than this are our joint expenses because we try to be equal. I wouldn’t want him to buy me a holiday let alone all the other stuff you’ve got him for a few reasons:

I’d feel obliged to return the favour - at some time if out of work currently. This would feel a huge burden on my shoulders and feel like admin frankly - something on my to do list.

It would feel like love bombing, even when married.

It feels so unnecessary. I am minimalist and appreciate one smaller and cheaper gift that is far more thoughtful. I take this approach when buying gifts too - we don’t struggle financially btw. I hate tat and stuff and I include designer stuff i don’t want or need in that.

Sorry if this comes across as rude but I would find it concerning if my husband did this now or when first together. I would wonder what went wrong in his life to make him like this. Just being honest here. If we had only been together for a couple of years, it would have been a big turn off at best and red flag at worst.

You're obviously very generous and very in love (and very wealthy, haha!) but I do think it's a lot. If he's struggling for money it could actually make him pretty uncomfortable.
I'm trying to imagine sliders that are worth £315!!

You are absolutely mental.

My god.

Chances are you guys will break up soon anyways (sorry). With such vastly different financial situations it doesn’t look good for the future. Are you his (newish) girlfriend or his sugar-mumma!!??

Reading more, I am even more convinced that:

You are absolutely mental.
This relationship isn’t going to last.
Your boyfriend will feel guilty and embarrassed, not treated.
You have such bad money and life management skills you will be broke and looking for benefits again.

I haven't read all the posts, just a few of your updates. Go on the holiday and give him the sunglasses. The rest I would return. I wouldn't keep it, what happens if you break up? Then you are stuck with weird over priced sliders.

But some advice, just like you can get promotions easily, things can change in the opposite direction easily. I think you know this is way too much to spend on an 8month relationship regardless of any issues.

It's also worth saying that posts like this get peoples backs up because it can seem like a stealth boast or just plain attention seeking. I'm sure that's not what it is but I would move on now.

weird overpriced sliders

Another WAY too much from me OP. A nice dinner out and a gift is fine for a birthday. And a card and a cake!

OTT can create a sense of obligation for your partner of needing to do the same kind of stuff on special occasions and it turns into pressure and expectation all round.

I'm trying to imagine sliders that are worth £315!!”

There are none, @SallyWD

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He's been out of work and living off savings, so rather than doing the sensible thing and maybe topping up those savings to take the pressure off him, you decide to buy loads of completely unnecessary luxury items that he will look at and think - I could have paid my bills with that cash.

It's highly distasteful and I'd think you were deliberately playing Lady Bountiful and showing off how much spare cash you have compared to him.

It's OTT, reckless and immature. Only 8 months in means it's also verging on madness.

Would he get holidays if he has just started the job? Some jobs don’t let to take holidays until after 6 months

Return the presents and start SAVING!!!

As others have said, it sounds like you're trying to buy him. It would put me off tbh

She shouldn’t be topping up his savings either, she’s already been lending him money, and they don’t even live together. She needs to save up herself so she can move out from her parents house.

Ummm...so you essentially spent £3k on a birthday present for your boyfriend of 8 months?

YIKES!

It's far too much. And he has told you not to buy any more presents, so you should take heed of what he says.

Also, take it from me. If you are the sort of person who likes to give it isn't going to end well. For some reason people don't really like it. Especially men - unless they are users.

A couple of people in the public eye have talked about this. The guy who hosts Saturday Kitchen (I can't remember his name) said he dumped film producer Barbara Broccoli because she bought him a sports car as a present. And the woman who wrote Eat, Pray, love said that she learned that you shouldn't give to people unless they ask you. She became a millionaire from her books and didn't have much use for all the money other than to give it away, but she found that people resented her for giving them money (go figure!)

I have found the same. People come to resent you even though you think you are being kind.

Sorry for the long post.

Did he say 'please don't spend anything else on me for this birthday' BEFORE you did so?

Because honestly if he did, and you ignored him and went and spent the better part of another 1K... thats a MASSIVE red flag.

You are trying to buy him, buy his affection, buy his attention, buy his loyalty.

You do not fix trust issues by spending on someone, regardless of whether they are or were cheating on you, or not.

There are so many red flags here, there's enough for bunting. Honestly, you're already supporting him, you're flashing the cash on a luxury holiday, you're buying extras even he says are unnecessary.

And you've been together under a year?

Completely bonkers.

Send everything extra back.

Look after your finances properly, have you spent this money instead of building up savings? If so that is monumentally stupid.

You had a termination 9 months ago, the father didn't want involvement and you were asking about benefits and housing, you met a man 1 month later and 8 months on you're "stable" and talking about marriage and KIDS after 8 months, with what happened to you 9 months ago???

May be give him the sliders, and keep the rest of the stuff for Christmas!!

This. It is really...distasteful. My family was wealthy but rather modest presents were the norm for us so if I were him I would feel very strange about this.

Oh...🤔

yeah I think it’s overboard for a 8month relationship especially if you have had trust issues and your already loaning him money

some people are very good at getting people to “feel sorry for them “ they are expert hustlers and have a knack of getting people to pay for everything
Losing his job is convenient and saying he is living off savings

I’ve been married 25 years this year and I’m a generous gifter

for my husbands 50th a few years ago I bought him a breitling super avenger watch that cost just over 5k

He likes watches and he had been thinking of upgrading his Tag that I bought him years ago for around 2 years

we went and looked at some but I bought it secretly for him for his 50th

on his 40th we did a month long holiday to the Maldives and Thailand which cost around 10k which I paid for

This year I bought him a £150 skull shaver as he’s shaved his hair and gone bald 😂 he says it’s the best present he’s had 😂and uses it daily

My point is it’s not the most expensive present that’s is often the best

Uh-oh.....

perhaps I've gone overboard as a result

You think?? 🙄🥺