Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

I had to Google sliders, as I thought they were those cheap plastic shoes you wear in the shower after giving birth. And they are.

8 months......wow far too much.

Assuming this is true ( sorry OP but there are some doubts here) bear in mind sociologist Marcel Mauss’s analysis of gift giving “Mauss emphasizes that exchanging gifts resulted from the will of attaching other people – 'to put people under obligations', because "in theory such gifts are voluntary, but in fact they are given and repaid under obligation".
Giving such high value gifts is putting a lot of pressure on someone and can easily backfire. In the early days of my relationship with DH if I’d given him all of that he’d have run for the hills.

A bit ‘pick me’ OP…

Can I just say I appreciate a bit of Marcel Mauss on a thread?👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I think it's unnecessary. I think that maybe you could give him the sunglasses as a gift for the holiday and maybe save the other stuff for next year, maybe the fragrance and grooming set for Christmas?

I agree.

I would run if you did this to me.

Also, to me it sounds you might have some self-esteem issues. You mention about how he makes you feel special twice. Plus you mention about how you love to shop for others - thats nothing else than making oneself feel good.

That's still a £250 present for a boyfriend as well as a £3500 holiday when you still live with your parents.

I feel sad for you that you have to buy his love.

Sounds like you trying to buy his love and it was OTT

Yes too much. I would put some of the things by for Christmas ( maybe give him the sunglasses for the holiday.)

The gifts are far too much and it's a bit odd that you have listed the prices exactly, given how wealthy you must be. I actually think the holiday is fine as it is for you as much as him, in a way you are paying for the pleasure of his company.

Gosh I’d be angry if someone wasted £859 on those gifts. I’d just be thinking about how many other things I could have bought.

Ps I would also cut back on the moving in together chat. He has enough on his plate with a new job, no savings and a debt to you. I think the expense of finding a deposit and the cost of moving in together would put a huge financial strain on him.

.Instead concentrate on the relationship, your savings, your trust issues, this is an eight month relationship, if it is meant to be then it will be, and I hope it does work for you both, but there is no need to rush into things, you are still very young and I get the feeling that neither of you have had very many serious relationships in the past. Take it slow, enjoy getting to know each other, then maybe next year your gifts to him will be what he wants, not what you want to buy.

Fools and their money etc etc

8 months in 🤣

PS designer slides? 🙈

Men who are not your husband are best off with a mug and a card. You are trying to buy his affection. My money’s on you getting dumped and feeling a fool in the near future.

Way too much. Take it back, dont keep it for future. Get a reality check.

I don't normally snoop previous threads but I have after seeing some of the comments. Why are you spending all this money on a man who won't even introduce you to a couple of his friends after 8 months of dating? (Red flag) A man who you have concerns over his use of social media, and a relationship that you have issues with trust . Based on these things it sounds like you are trying to buy his love.

I think many people would find this very intense and embarrassing after 8 months. The holiday alone would seem excessive to most genuine people who weren't out for what they could get. I think you really need to rein yourself in as there's a fine line between generosity and looking like you're trying to buy someone. You also make yourself very vulnerable to the wrong type of person.

What are you posting this for, OP? Applause?

No one needs sliders. Ever.

Really, a decent man will be mortified that you have spent so much on him.
The holiday you can both enjoy, and presumably you want to go, but take the other gifts back for refund. Don't save them for later, there might not be a later, then you are stuck with the gifts.

It's a lot for 8 years together never mind 8 months. I spent £500 on my boyfriend for one birthday and felt I'd gone over the top. At this stage I'd just gift the holiday and keep the other bits for future Christmas / anniversary etc

Are you actually trying to make the poor guy feel bad? I would feel genuinely terrible and embarrassed if I owed somebody money and they started spending on me like this. If he doesn't, then that's another issue. Massive red flags about this relationship - on both sides.