Have I gone overboard for boyfriends birthday?

[Howdon]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to get an outsider view on what I have planned for my boyfriends 30th birthday. I'm 26 years old.

For context, we've been together 8 months now, and we've had a pretty great bond/ relationship. He has made an effort to make me feel like a priority.

I had a few trust issues, which have now been resolved, and we're both very much in love. We are talking about marriage and future plans, and moving in together etc.

From the very inception, my boyfriend has always been generous towards me, and has always done what he can to make me feel special.

The last 3 months have been tough for hin financially, and is he starting a new job when we come back from holiday. He has essentially been living off savings for the last 3 months, and has been quite low.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job).

For his birthday, I have booked a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me, and that is one of my gift to him. The holiday has cost close to 3.5k for us both, all expenses included into this figure. He then told me this was very generous and he would not be wanting gifts, as this is a considerable amount of money, in addition to everything I have already done.

But I still went out of my way to buy him gifts. I bought him designer sliders for £310, a niche fragrance for £245, sunglasses for £254 and a grooming set for £50.

He doesn't know what I have got him, and the costs. Obviously, I can afford these things, so it's my choice to spend this money. But now I'm thinking is this all too much?

I am very much a person who likes to give, and I love buying stuff for other people more than myself actually. And I have never been the type to expect things from others, in fact, I'm not used to being treated as nice as he treats me! I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

You’re trying to buy his fidelity. That will never work.

As others have said, this is massively over the top, and to be honest, if I was your parents, I’d be pretty furious that you’re throwing money at a boyfriend rather than spending it on moving out. Why take money you rarely have, and throw it at some guy? Do you not have a future to plan for? Don’t you want your own place? Look after yourself first, don’t make a boyfriend your priority.

I hated it when my best friend spent a lot (prob £100 I can't remember) on a birthday present for me as I was not in a position to reciprocate.

Instead if it making me feel good on my birthday it made me feel unhappy and worried about how I'd afford her a gift like that due her). She felt good. It was more about how she felt than how I felt yet it was my birthday!

Also, you can't buy love. You can buy companionship. But you'll never know if he's with you as you're generous (meanwhile he's on Only Fans etc admiring other woman more than you), or
if he's with you for love and the money means nothing. You'll never know.

Far too much for 8 months UNLESS you are extremely wealthy

Its too much and more importantly, he has told you that. He has politely told you not to buy him anything, why aren't you listening? Don't keep the designer slides, fragrance and sunglasses for another occasion - they will still be over the top. Return them and keep the money.

You can't buy love OP.

That's a ridiculous amount of money to spend unless you're rich....which you're not.

Wow! Receiving those gifts would make me feel extremely uncomfortable! Especially if I was your boyfriends position, i.e. not able to reciprocate and already owed you already.

Each to their own and I don't want to judge, but all those gifts are quite impersonal and materialistic to me. I'd be much happier with thoughtful things over costly things. But I don't know your boyfriend, and loads of people would LOVE this!

Just out of interest, do you think you might still have any insecurities that you might be trying to compensate for? Or are you trying to win him over in some way?

A home made birthday cake makes someone feel special and cared about.

You are on the right lines starting to reflect on abandonment issues or other reasons that your impulses are like this. And have a think about what you value. Care, time and respect show care for those you love. Not bling.

You are doing well in your job. Bonuses and commission aren’t ‘free money’, they reflect your work and effort. Use that money to save for a deposit. Give yourself some real security.

That would make me feel super uncomfortable. It’s like a mad desperate love bomb.

Return the aftershave/sunglasses/sliders.

I am still saving for my own place, and will likely move out in the next year or so (hopefully).

You've spent £4.5k on your boyfriend of 8 months when you're trying to save for a house? That's a big chunk towards your deposit and legal fees!

I had to google Sliders and it's an American TV series, looking further down the page Sliders are also flip flops.

Very embarrassing for him. Give him the sunglasses, keep the rest for Christmas.

For only 8 mos into a relationship, considering the history you've explained, it seems a little desperate. It's like you're trying to prove you're a good choice. You make people feel special in smaller ways and in consistency of feeling. You don't have to demonstrate it with material things. It's like you're hitting him over the head saying, Pick me.

In the interim, I have been the one paying towards the relationship and often helping him out with cash etc (the cash given he has agreed to pay back in 3 Installments when he gets paid from his new job)

You've already spent a lot on him. Why hasn't he been earning for the last 3 months? You should be very careful that you don't end up with a cocklodger on your hands.

You should not be forking out 3.5K for a holiday for a boyfriend of 8 months' 30th birthday. And then all that other stuff on top. It's far too much. It's love bombing and trying to buy affection. It's also foolhardy. You should be saving that money towards your future, making sure you are financially stable and be putting it towards buying your own property.

I think you should return all of that crap and get the money back and give him a token gift on the day.

I don't think you can afford that from what you've said on a previous thread. Stop splashing the money around and sort yourself out.

And if he doesn't pay the money back as soon as he gets paid from the new job or if the job doesn't even materialize he should be binned before he continues to take you for a ride....

I've been with my DP for 8 years and we've never spent that much on each other. I think way over the top.

The most I think we have ever spent was when we agreed to go out to a really fancy Michelen starred restaurant (£400 bill kind of place) but that was to celebrate both of our birthdays and it was a very memorable experience we got to share together and its happened once. We are not the type to want fancy shoes or sunglasses. Waste of money in my view.

The holiday alone is too much. I find when I am over generous it never ever ends well. Gratitude leads to expectation and then resentment on both sides. . If you think this relationship is for keeps you are starting off on the very wrong foot. Its 8 months with problems in between. People don't appreciate things when they come too easily. Its human nature. Adding gifts will make him believe you are totally desperate honestly. I would really really consider counselling to understand why you ever thought this was a good idea.

I’ve never spent anywhere near that on my husband and we’ve been together 12 years

I have always been the giver in most of my relationships including with friends and family.

You will continue the same pattern with this man if you continue like you are. It will become expected, no matter how nice the receiver is.
You cannot buy love, faithfulness and decency from anyone. Which is what you are doing. The most respectful person has potential to use this to their advantage. It's human nature.

Gifts don't seem to be his love language, since he's told you he doesn't want anything. It could have the adverse reaction than what you're hoping for.
Take the gifts back and find out what he would appreciate.
There's no harm in being naive but there's lots of advice and wisdom in these comments that you can learn and grow from which is a gift I hope you take and do something with.

I spent £500 on a present for my DP for his birthday this year BUT...

We have had a particularly tough year and I wanted to thank him for everything he's done for me
I had received some money from an inheritance
We've been together (and lived together) a long time
We both work hard and contribute 50/50 to the household and family.
We own a home and own 2 cars outright
We have no debt
It was something he has desperately wanted for a long time but would never buy for himself
It is something he will keep forever (not disposable like some plastic flip flops 🙄)

Even taking all of this into account, it STILL felt extravagant!

In your position OP I would be looking at why, 8 months into a relationship, you're already loaning this person money and spending in excess of £4k on presents for them... And if I was your parents I would be absolutely fuming that you're spending that kind of money on holidays and presents when it could be going towards a deposit to move out.

Getting pregnant and then that finishing and then rushing headlong into this, it’s like OP is love bombing her boyfriend. Seems to be buying his love/smothering him. My best friend who did this had bi polar.

Way too over the top particularly as you've said you've been giving him cash too. In his position I'd feel very awkward. If he readily accepts everything I'd see it as a red flag.

I agree. It's quite shocking.

I would be pretty fucked off if I was struggling financially and had to scrimp to pay back a loan, then that person spent 4k on unwanted, unnecessary gifts when it could have made a huge difference to my financial situation. I would much rather they kept the money to save for themselves than put me in this situation. I would also feel expected to reciprocate for their birthday.

Honestly if someone I’d been dating for a few months booked a 3 grand holiday for my birthday I’d tell them to cancel it and run a mile.
Its far too much and would make me think you’re love bombing or desperate to buy affection.

And seriously you're lending money to a man you’ve only been with 8 months - please stop it and step back. You’re too much OP