Shall I let him go

[OnePinkOrca]

In a new relationship of 4 m. I’m a single mum of one child who I have full time. I’ve divorced before covid, I’m in mid 40s. Met the new boyfriend online and really got very excited. I’m really into him and developed feelings for him quickly. He is a caring, sensitive guy, really involved with his kids, v intelligent and funny. He is currently going through divorce and still lives with his ex sadly. I thought this would be fine as I’ve been there myself and thought I could just take things slowly and be ok. We see each other few times a week which is challenging and also text a lot. A few times I became v insecure, he is not as romantic as me and perhaps doesn’t have capacity to display some of the behaviours I’d expect. I’m used to love bombing though so it’s also not healthy. He is more anxious, and introverted than me. It’s having an impact on me as I keep felling a bit rejected intertwined with moments when I feel this is the most amazing guy and feeling v high on love. I’ve told him how I feel and he took the responsibility on himself apologising, saying he has issues, saying he wishes he met me after this whole thing is sorted with his house and ex and saying that indeed he perhaps is not ready to give me what I deserve.
I’m finding it so frustrating that I finally met someone I’m so into, but yet can’t fully enjoy embrace it. Part of me is thinking am I just too much? Or should I sadly let him go? :(

In short, yes. You're only 4 months in, it shouldn't be like this.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would let him go and besides which he is patently not ready to embark on a new relationship with anyone. He’s been really unfair to you to have started a relationship with you because he is not yet divorced. What on earth was he thinking?. Great highs and crashing lows do not make a relationship either. You deserve far more than this from him.

I'd hazard a guess that his wife would be very surprised to hear that they are getting divorced. Sorry.

Still lives with his ex

Yep that is enough to be out.

He's still living with his wife? So he's in no position to be in a relationship with you.
Tell him he can get back in contact with you once he's moved out and the divorce is finalised.
Do his wife and children know that he is purporting to be in a relationship with you?

Not learnt anything good about relationships growing up sadly, he neither. They’ve applied for divorce, but we all know how long it all takes. The lows are maybe not crashing lows, but just subtle little things, like having to be careful that we don’t bump into people he knows as this could antagonise his ex, being invited to a house of his family members to see wedding pics on the wall, not feeling welcome, making reference to future together, but then realising he got ahead of himself so change to no references, PDA and then no PDA, dates being a bit more on his terms, mostly low effort, only me being invested in bigger romantic gestures, proper dates, him joining in, but then being a bit introverted..:(

It's madness to enmesh yourself with a man who has so much baggage. Dating a man still living with his wife should be an immediate Fuck No. He is clearly no where near ready to commit to a new relationship.

I do believe that he is getting divorced. Kids know that he is getting divorced, but don’t know that dad is dating

He will only hurt you. This is a recipe for your pain I’m afraid OP.

End it and tell him that if you’re both still single in a year/two years when he’s free then maybe you can meet up and say hi and see where it goes - but you won’t wait for him.

I think you both have issues to be honest.

How did you meet his kids if they don’t know he’s dating ?

Say more

I’m going on what he is saying, I’m not getting a liar or cheater vibes. I believe that this is the fact that he is gettting divorced and his kids know

I’ve not met the kids and he’s not met mine

That feels very sensible, but not what my heart wants to do :(

No of course you don’t want to OP, I hear you. But it’s the intelligent thing to do, because he’s already hurting your heart and it will only get worse. The longer you stay the more attached you’ll feel, and it will feel even harder and more painful.

I would totally reassess your approach to relationships and start to unlearn all the crap you’ve learnt about same along the way through therapy. Do you act as a rescuer or saviour in relationships?. What about you being love bombed, this man’s likely done this as well.

Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationship experience, are being further eroded now by this man. You have a child too, what do you want to teach he/she about relationships here?.

Im hoping that this relationship could develop into something more solid. I’d only introduce my child if things were much more solid and I wasn’t feeling insecure.
but it’s a fair point, I do tend to give too much of myself, and feel like I’m not getting much in return. So this is similar. I’m doing a lot already, initiating, supporting, accommodating, listening, encouraging. He is as well, he really cares I believe that, but is this enough, should I be waiting or can I just enjoy it for what it is, but this is hard and it’s not my style, I’m way too romantic and emotional

Your heart needs to get with the program and catch up, it does not make decisions. Do not let your heart rule your head.

Why does he want to embark on yet another relationship when he’s not even divorced yet?. It is all far too much and far too soon for him or you. There are children involved too.

You are his rebound relationship and this is not going to end well for you. He needs to be out of your life now.

No love bombing here, he said he likes me, which for me is actually hard, I like my neighbour, like this doesn’t do anything for me. No expensive dates or gifts or anything

Stop being your own worst enemy, op. This relationship is doomed to fail.

He sounds like he has too much going on at the moment. Tell him you want to take a break for a bit, ie break up and tell him to call you in a year if he wants to (but work on the assumption that he won't). He probably is getting divorced but it's a minefield of emotions and it also sounds as if maybe his style of communicating is not the same as yours. The seeing wedding pics on the wall is awful and he should be more sensitive to your emotions. Hopefully you will find someone with much less baggage.

Thank you, I appreciate all the advice ❤️

He is not ready for a relationship--let him go.

Do read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

You’re over investing yourself here big time. Please consider therapy because over investing like this is a problem and you need to address how this started with you.