Shall I let him go

[OnePinkOrca]

In a new relationship of 4 m. I’m a single mum of one child who I have full time. I’ve divorced before covid, I’m in mid 40s. Met the new boyfriend online and really got very excited. I’m really into him and developed feelings for him quickly. He is a caring, sensitive guy, really involved with his kids, v intelligent and funny. He is currently going through divorce and still lives with his ex sadly. I thought this would be fine as I’ve been there myself and thought I could just take things slowly and be ok. We see each other few times a week which is challenging and also text a lot. A few times I became v insecure, he is not as romantic as me and perhaps doesn’t have capacity to display some of the behaviours I’d expect. I’m used to love bombing though so it’s also not healthy. He is more anxious, and introverted than me. It’s having an impact on me as I keep felling a bit rejected intertwined with moments when I feel this is the most amazing guy and feeling v high on love. I’ve told him how I feel and he took the responsibility on himself apologising, saying he has issues, saying he wishes he met me after this whole thing is sorted with his house and ex and saying that indeed he perhaps is not ready to give me what I deserve.
I’m finding it so frustrating that I finally met someone I’m so into, but yet can’t fully enjoy embrace it. Part of me is thinking am I just too much? Or should I sadly let him go? :(

I’m not going to call you the other woman. I’m not going to judge anyone who is dating whilst waiting for a divorce to be finalised - and until the financial order is in place perhaps he’s worried that this would trigger her into taking him for every last penny, when perhaps she’s more accommodating at the moment. Divorced can take time - and people people shouldn’t out their lives on hold whilst it’s going through.

BUT I do think you’re at risk of being very hurt - he’s not in the same position that you are. He is bearing a lot of stress and he won’t be himself at the moment. And when the divorce is through he might not change and not be able to give you what you’re seeking - PDAs etc might just not really be his thing.

Stepping back a little might give you the headspace you need to consider whether this is what you do really want, for you and your kids. Good luck.

Thank you, this is the kind of advice I would give to one of my friends. It’s very wise and true

Feeling "v high on love" after a few months? Do you mean lust?

Sure

Cool, so you’re the fallback girl. But other woman or fall back girls are the essentially the same thing. Insecure women with poor boundaries who shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Right i have a clearer picture i think now.

As good as you say/think it is, he's not ready. In time he might be who knows, just don't wait around too long for him to decide. You have to take your feelings into all this not just his

Divorces are messy. And pp is right he might not be who you think he is.

Be careful

Thank you.🤩

Thank you, that’s really good advice

So they only applied for the divorce 2-3 months after you started dating? I so hope he is telling you the truth OP .

Oh of course the sex is amazing op. Notice that's one area where he is happy to make the effort? But not romance or making you feel secure about the relationship?

You're feeling so anxious because your whole system is trying to alert you to realising that something's not right for you in this relationship. At the same time your brain is desperately trying to justify it all.

Look, I've been there. You know he's not saying the right things or acting the right way for a man who is serious about a woman. When this happens everything feels okay and you will feel peaceful. He's not able to give it to you, for whatever reason - it actually doesn't matter why - and all the time you are denying the reality of this and seeking more and more reasons to hang on.

In your earlier post where you described how things have changed since you first started dating, to me those changes sound like a relationship in decline. He's backing off more and more. When you talk to him about it he's plainly telling you he can't give you what you need. It's now you who is hurting yourself by not letting go and accepting this. I'm sorry - as I said been there myself and I know it's painful because there as so many what ifs.

Sadly it’s true. Although he has made effort in other ways as well, practical things like getting food, helping me in practical ways like fixing things. He is a really good guy, it’s really hard. I’ve cried all night last night, feeling very wiped out.

That’s right.

He is emotionally and largely physically unavailable. One thing most women will tell you is to never ever date a man who is in the throes of divorce. He has too much on his plate mentally to deal with. Believe me, when the divorce gets too stressful, you wil be the first thing to go into the bin in order to relieve the pressure he will feel.
Protect your heart now and move on. It’s only 4 months in

"when the divorce gets too stressful, you wil be the first thing to go into the bin in order to relieve the pressure he will feel"

Alternatively, you will be the first thing he'll go to to relieve the pressure. Aka, sex - as a distraction from it all.

He has lowered your expectations. He has told you he cannot be a boyfriend, he can only give you crumbs. You agree to that and that is all you get.

dates being a bit more on his terms, mostly low effort
he has already, after only 16 weeks, stopped putting in any effort with dates. Does he come to your house a lot? Or do you meet and go out?

and they started divorcing roughly 6 weeks ago? This is a fresh ending of a relationship. You're clearly the rebound. You know this.

That’s how it feels, crumbs.. a mixture, wherever we can get an empty house, cafes, we have a nice beach nearby we go for a lot of walks on there, but then I’ve been more pushing for dinner dates, theatre, cinema etc. he is more reluctant about those, but also just because we are perhaps into different things. He is up for anything and pays his way though, so will say yes if I suggest things unless it conflicts with schedules. I’m more keen to make certain sacrifices though

He is reluctant to spend any money dating you.

He is living in his ex’s house and has stayed in her house for a year and a half after the relationship ended.

how long were they married for? Is he refusing to move out to force a sale of her house? How much does he contribute to the outgoings?

It’s not her house, it’s a joint mortgage that gets sorted with consent order. That’s how divorces work, I’ve been there. The house will be sorted only once the consent order is sorted. It could take 6 m even who knows

It’s true about being reluctant to spend money on dating me.no idea why that is

I say this in the kindest way but he is not looking at this as a long term option for a relationship.... and it is hard, I was seeing a guy for a while who I really liked but sadly like you he was going through the whole divorce thing, i knew they had split and id even been to the house but sadly he just wasn't emotionally accepting it was over despite him being the one who ended it.... The spending money on you could mean a paper trail to prove hes dating which he probably doesnt want the wife to know.

no one can tell you what to do but honestly the only one who will get hurt is you, he will never choose someone hes been dating for 4 months over a woman hes built a life with.... harsh but true

Over invested and. you sound a bit mad!!! Telling him how he should be behaving and what he should be saying, I'm surprised he's not run a mile.

He sounds worth waiting for. My advice is be patient and in the kindest way lower your expectations and all the kind of dates you want etc will come when everything is sorted. It’s been 4 months - if it feels right hang in there

Really? Where did I do that?

Do you think so? Everyone else seem to think it’s not right to do that. It’s hard as I’m a very dramatic person anyway and I’m sensitive, so lowering expectations doesn’t come easy. I can’t even have casual friendships well