Shall I let him go

[OnePinkOrca]

In a new relationship of 4 m. I’m a single mum of one child who I have full time. I’ve divorced before covid, I’m in mid 40s. Met the new boyfriend online and really got very excited. I’m really into him and developed feelings for him quickly. He is a caring, sensitive guy, really involved with his kids, v intelligent and funny. He is currently going through divorce and still lives with his ex sadly. I thought this would be fine as I’ve been there myself and thought I could just take things slowly and be ok. We see each other few times a week which is challenging and also text a lot. A few times I became v insecure, he is not as romantic as me and perhaps doesn’t have capacity to display some of the behaviours I’d expect. I’m used to love bombing though so it’s also not healthy. He is more anxious, and introverted than me. It’s having an impact on me as I keep felling a bit rejected intertwined with moments when I feel this is the most amazing guy and feeling v high on love. I’ve told him how I feel and he took the responsibility on himself apologising, saying he has issues, saying he wishes he met me after this whole thing is sorted with his house and ex and saying that indeed he perhaps is not ready to give me what I deserve.
I’m finding it so frustrating that I finally met someone I’m so into, but yet can’t fully enjoy embrace it. Part of me is thinking am I just too much? Or should I sadly let him go? :(

You're being a mug, he's doing what he needs to do to get you into bed. He won't go for proper "dates" like theatre, cinema and dinner because that crosses the line. He doesn't see you like that. He sees you for a hook up but knows he needs to give a little so he will go on a walk or put up a shelf in your home.

You're happy to pick up his breadcrumbs. Fuck that op have some more respect for yourself and fuck him off.

It doesn't sound like he's ready to invest the time and energy you want in the relationship to be honest. I'd cool it down until he's divorced and living on his own. He's got way too much going on at the moment and you do sound quite needy and over emotional!

Has anyone been in a relationship like this where it did work out in the end?

It’s interesting as I wasn’t needy or emotional like this at all in a previous relationship, I didn’t cry once. But I wasn’t into the guy as much as well. So the emotionality is only coming up as I like him a lot and that I don’t feel secure enough here. All the other dating experiences I wasn’t into the guys as much so it felt more in control, more secure

Sounds like he's still very much married to the woman he lives with, i.e. his wife, and you're his bit on the side.

Why would you put yourself in this position??? Have more respect for yourself and throw this one back.

NOBODY is too much, maybe hes not enough?.
Id recommend undertaking the freedom programme to you...please do it.
This guy has drama written allover him and after 4 month all this is too much..you deserve the honeymoon phase, and especially without exes knocking about, if she is an ex. Get rid OP ..hes not a good one. You know this deep down else you wouldn't be posting

Theres no issue if he lived with ex , especially financially , times are expensive, but it shouldn't be long term thing and he should be looking at proving to you that hes got a plan to move out. However, this guy is not one worth relying on. You deserve better. Freedom programme

Wow who needs enemies with friends like that!

It ended, I'm really 💔💔💔 despite him saying how wonderful i am, i cant help but feel if he was really into me, he would try and make it work. He basically is saying to try and see in the future, but now he needs to focus on the divorce and his own recovery. I can see its for the best, but im really heartbroken

But he clearly isnt really into you. You said yourself how little effort he makes and how he doesnt want to spend money on dating you.

try and see in the future
keeping you from moving on. He will be back in a few weeks with crumbs again while be still lives with his wife.

You’ve been a listening ear and a certainty for a shag. Value yourself more in future. Don’t bother getting involved with these messy, low effort situationships.

I'm sorry OP, it's so hard.

I'm sure he means well overall but he's not able to be the man you need. Ending it is actually the respectful thing to do.

Try not to dwell on the 'if he really loved me he would do xyz' as it's just going to make you feel shit about yourself. Try and book some nice things to do as a distraction with your friends

Well done for ending it.

You were his emotional support human since his wife no longer wants to fulfil that role. I’m sorry to say he was very unlikely to be giving you a second thought while you were agonising over him on here.

"but now he needs to focus on the divorce and his own recovery."

That's a pretty shitty thing for him to say during a break up talk, tbh.

(I'm assuming he ended it and this is the reason he gave why)

Be kind to yourself now OP. In time, you will learn something positive from this

Sorry that this has happened xx

You need higher standards, OP. Seriously, you sound lovely and you deserve so much better.

Thanks everyone 💔 my sadness is turning a bit into anger, which perhaps is a positive thing. I can see that there was a lot future faking, fake promises initially. The moment I stated I have some needs and asked for more romance, he massively backed off. I know that’s not right. I do have a lot to give on relationships. He was very reassuring throughout that I’m not a rebound, he likes me a lot etc. having been love bombed in the past, I perhaps thought that low level effort dating is normal, but it really isn’t. He was closed off, his heart was closed off and it never opened for me, it was just open to receive affection, sex and listening ear from me. It’s so, so painful, I found him v attractive, smart, really fun to be with 💔💔💔
thanks everyone for support

Just calm down too next time. It was 16 weeks of seeing a married man. Of course his heart was closed off.

in future, instead of focusing so much on empty words, look at their actions. If the actions dont match, the words are empty.

Sorry to hear OP but I think it was for the best. It’s selfish for people to start dating when they are still married and living with the ex - they should make sure they are in the right place to have a relationship before leading someone else on and breaking their heart. I’d have been gutted if it had happened to me - I don’t get these “it was only four months - get over it” posts. For some people that is definitely enough time to fall in love and imagine a future. Hopefully you can find someone who is more deserving of your love and Mr Divorce will stay away from the apps for a bit (bet he won’t though).

When you waver, come back here and read your posts and all the replies. Get more angry so you stop pining for what you thought you had but what can never be. Treat yourself to things you enjoy, invest in yourself!

You’ve done the right thing @OnePinkOrca , better this heartbreak now than a much bigger one in one of two years time when he’s still living with his wife and you are still his dirty secret. You deserve better.

I agree with the PP who said that he will be back breadcrumbing soon . You will get

I’ve spoken to my solicitor and she says the divorce will be through by Christmas.

Ive thought about everything we had together and how much you mean to me and I don’t want to lose you.

I’ve realised I’ve treated you unfairly so Im looking for places to rent. Yes I know it will be hard on the kids but I need to put your first.

I’m going to tell my children about you after the youngest starts high school in September.

My parents want to meet you - just not now out of respect for my wife.

Let’s book a weekend away together sometime soon.

So just be prepared . It will be so tempting to believe all this and get back together with him but it’s all just empty words.

You should be angry. He’s messed you around and wasted your time. He knew he didn’t want anything more than sex and a listening ear but he led you on anyway. And he’ll be straight back on the apps to waste some other woman’s time.

Ive deleted all the pics and chats, should really block, but dont have the strength. You are all right. I really given a lot of myself and it wasnt reciprocated 💔 these messages are really helping me to heal so thank you ❤️

Good for you, you deserve so much better. And next time try to hold a little bit of yourself back until you know someone is truly worthy of you.