Shall I let him go

[OnePinkOrca]

In a new relationship of 4 m. I’m a single mum of one child who I have full time. I’ve divorced before covid, I’m in mid 40s. Met the new boyfriend online and really got very excited. I’m really into him and developed feelings for him quickly. He is a caring, sensitive guy, really involved with his kids, v intelligent and funny. He is currently going through divorce and still lives with his ex sadly. I thought this would be fine as I’ve been there myself and thought I could just take things slowly and be ok. We see each other few times a week which is challenging and also text a lot. A few times I became v insecure, he is not as romantic as me and perhaps doesn’t have capacity to display some of the behaviours I’d expect. I’m used to love bombing though so it’s also not healthy. He is more anxious, and introverted than me. It’s having an impact on me as I keep felling a bit rejected intertwined with moments when I feel this is the most amazing guy and feeling v high on love. I’ve told him how I feel and he took the responsibility on himself apologising, saying he has issues, saying he wishes he met me after this whole thing is sorted with his house and ex and saying that indeed he perhaps is not ready to give me what I deserve.
I’m finding it so frustrating that I finally met someone I’m so into, but yet can’t fully enjoy embrace it. Part of me is thinking am I just too much? Or should I sadly let him go? :(

Oh I’ve read it lol.
My friends seem to think that perhaps I could give it a bit more time as he is really nice, he wants to be there for me in a lot of practical ways and he is very complimentary, we have amazing sex m, it’s really hard to let go

It's been four months. He's still saying you must sneak around your own area in order that people who know his wife don't spot you together and report back to her?! So the wife doesn't know he's dating?
This sounds like he's totally not able to commit right now. Cut loose and find someone who wants a long term relationship now, and is more attuned to you romantically.
When he's living alone and fully divorced he could check in, then if you're still single you could see. But I'm not holding out much hope for that.

I get that though to some extent as the ex wife sounds difficult and it could jeopardise the financial settlement, she might be even less amicable.
however it’s screwing up with my head..
also the pics on the wall, as it wasn’t his house, he didn’t feel able to remove them, but that had an impact on how I felt. Only his sister knows about us and some of his friends.

It’s all very quick and you don’t seem able to have taken heed of this clear warning sign. When he told you that, you should have backed away but it sounds like you have gone full throttle, fallen in love quickly and will now find it hard to walk away. Do you usually over invest in relationships very early as by doing so, you are leaving yourself vulnerable.

I’m defo on the romantic side. I don’t think I need to change, but it’s perhaps a wrong fit for me right now. It does feel id be needing to ignore my feelings and work hard to feel ok

Read the book again.

Friends can be over invested and so their opinion is not always helpful.

He has told you he " has issues" - listen to him.

Have you met his sister and some of his friends, or is their knowledge of it, just what he is saying again? Have you got any actual proof that he is getting divorced? Met anyone he knows who can coroberate it.
I'm only seeing a possible blind faith approach in what he says. Men who OLD can, and ofter do, lie, fact. You can't take what they say at face value, especially if they are living with someone. Do you know if they still share a bed? Not everyone has a spare room to go to even.

Yes, but on a flip side he is working on them, so it was in the sense like to be patient with him.
looks like a unified voice on here though, I appreciate the advice. It’s hard, but I do appreciate people taking time to comment.

Yes, met some, it is happening. He has his own room, seen it many times on FaceTime, videos etc. drove with him past his house etc. been to his family houses.
still doesn’t take away the argument about readiness

@OnePinkOrca yeah, honestly it's bad news. You shouldn't be creeping about in secret like you are something to be ashamed of. You deserve way more than that. Please say you're not having it as he's clearly not committed enough and it's not fair to carry on.

This has been up and down, when we go out, there has been a lot of pda and we did bump into some people, so in fact it might have already got to her anyway. But then other times, perhaps closer to his home, it’s been more let’s be careful approach, but I find myself v sensitive to any differences/ changes in pda, future references etc. I think that’s basically because he has some anxiety so it’s not necessarily intentional.

It is absolutely very hard to do, but there are lots of benefits in saying , hey, too much, too soon, let's take it more slowly. Get back in touch when he is ready so you can reassess when he really is available.

It's a much better start to your life together to be able to say you spotted it was too early so broke it off. Then maybe started again.

Meanwhile, be very, very kind to yourself. Don't let yourself pine for him, start to do things for yourself, whatever takes your fancy. Live a good life so if he comes back it would be an enhancement to an already good life better than leaning on him to make your life bearable.

All the best.

Thank you. I had a chat with him and it’s basically what I thought, that he can barely cope with what he has on, figuring out life, I deserve better, he would like to be with me, but understands.. basically he thinks I’m wonderful and feels awful for making me feel sad, he can be with me if I want him, feels low I think about the whole stiatuation

If you can't find the strength to end it, at least for now, dial it down. How often do you see each other? I wonder where he tells his wife he's been when seeing you. It sounds like you've let your emotions run away with you. There's an intensity that can occur with the next relationship after a long term one has ended. But it's more a reflection of where you are coming from, than that the current relationship is any more spectacular than a subsequent one could be. Its being more hungry for kindness, fun and love after years without, so get shown a bit, and wow! It all seems extra fantastic. Its not though, but feeling like that leads to ignoring red flags.

He's kind of shit, honestly. He knows he won't give you what you need, he knows he's emotionally unavailable, and he's been clear to you to have zero expectations, but yet he won't do the respectable thing and end it. He's hanging around for the easy sex.

We see each other around 3 times a week. I have been dating before and had another 6 m relationship, so I feel actually like I know what I want. And it would be him if he could step up the romance and being more sensitive to my needs perhaps, more willing to embrace the excitement etc. enjoying the honeymoon stage rather than the range of emotions

This

He tells his ex all sorts of things, going to siblings house, going for a trip, sometimes just says nothing as they don’t talk so just has in their diary that he is away

Good point! It does sound like a massive sacrifice from me and offering a lot of understanding and support

One thing is very clear. If there are children on both sides, he is an inconsiderate bastard even considering dating at this stage of his split-just day you were 'the one', he has literally just left his wife and is now expecting his children to adjust without a second thought to the time emotional processing can take. Why are so many people emotionally retarded? Children should ALWAYS come first.

I think that’s harsh, they’ve been separated for around 1.5 now, so this has been going on for a long time. I’ve been through the divorce so can relate

They are not really separated. That is impossible when you're still living together. He has told you he's unavailable, that he is not able to be in a proper relationship. Why you're not listening is quite puzzling. He's using you.

You’re the other woman. Separated or not (probably not given they still live together after 1.5 years…) this guy is unavailable. You are the fall back girl.

i dont feel used as such, but only that i’m moving at a faster pace, i’m more excited