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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shall I let him go

147 replies

OnePinkOrca · 10/06/2024 15:28

In a new relationship of 4 m. I’m a single mum of one child who I have full time. I’ve divorced before covid, I’m in mid 40s. Met the new boyfriend online and really got very excited. I’m really into him and developed feelings for him quickly. He is a caring, sensitive guy, really involved with his kids, v intelligent and funny. He is currently going through divorce and still lives with his ex sadly. I thought this would be fine as I’ve been there myself and thought I could just take things slowly and be ok. We see each other few times a week which is challenging and also text a lot. A few times I became v insecure, he is not as romantic as me and perhaps doesn’t have capacity to display some of the behaviours I’d expect. I’m used to love bombing though so it’s also not healthy. He is more anxious, and introverted than me. It’s having an impact on me as I keep felling a bit rejected intertwined with moments when I feel this is the most amazing guy and feeling v high on love. I’ve told him how I feel and he took the responsibility on himself apologising, saying he has issues, saying he wishes he met me after this whole thing is sorted with his house and ex and saying that indeed he perhaps is not ready to give me what I deserve.
I’m finding it so frustrating that I finally met someone I’m so into, but yet can’t fully enjoy embrace it. Part of me is thinking am I just too much? Or should I sadly let him go? :(

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 12/06/2024 12:53

Change his name on your phone if you cant block yet. User Wanker, Time Waster, Married Twat, or whatever seems to fit!😉

Porageeater · 12/06/2024 13:09

Och what a twat he is OP. It’s good that it was only 4 months, you’re lucky to be rid of this time waster.

waterrat · 12/06/2024 13:14

I would agree with other posters who suggest Op that you have therapy - distance yourself completely from this man until he can fully commit to you.

If you believe that the relationship could be a long term one- then it is worth both of you waiting until it can be open, honest and real.

Sounds like both of you need to look at your relationship behaviours.

OnePinkOrca · 12/06/2024 17:32

wrong, you said a few weeks, he is already texting to ask how i am… what for? To ease his guilt?

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 12/06/2024 17:36

Fishing to find out how heartbroken you are 🙄maybe he’ll offer a comfort shag

ciaopizza · 12/06/2024 19:22

To fill the empty hole inside him. He's missing his distraction, that's all.

Doesn't change his lack of commitment or his situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2024 19:35

OnePinkOrca · 12/06/2024 17:32

wrong, you said a few weeks, he is already texting to ask how i am… what for? To ease his guilt?

He wants sex.

OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 08:26

I didn't respond. Im sure it’s all the above reasons. I can’t contact him as deleted his nr, but find myself looking at my phone and hoping he would say he made a huge mistake etc. basically wishing he was different right?
re reading all the reasons why it finished and the messages from friends and on here. It is really helping.
Glad i deleted all the pics and videos, there was a lot on there of him saying how I'm important and wonderful, how noone has ever done some of the things i did for him, how amazing i am. Just not amazing enough for him. I’ve never had any man even my ex hb do anything majorly romantic for me. There are women who are taken away to paris, romantic gateaways, wined and dined. I’m such a mug. Like honestly, i’m generous, carrying, intelligent, professional career, apparently i’m amazing in bed (by the account of 4 men 😂), not bad looking, wtaf i’ve been doing with my life. Just a realisation!!

OP posts:
OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 08:55

Just fuck him, he can fuck off 🤬

OP posts:
Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 08:59

OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 08:26

I didn't respond. Im sure it’s all the above reasons. I can’t contact him as deleted his nr, but find myself looking at my phone and hoping he would say he made a huge mistake etc. basically wishing he was different right?
re reading all the reasons why it finished and the messages from friends and on here. It is really helping.
Glad i deleted all the pics and videos, there was a lot on there of him saying how I'm important and wonderful, how noone has ever done some of the things i did for him, how amazing i am. Just not amazing enough for him. I’ve never had any man even my ex hb do anything majorly romantic for me. There are women who are taken away to paris, romantic gateaways, wined and dined. I’m such a mug. Like honestly, i’m generous, carrying, intelligent, professional career, apparently i’m amazing in bed (by the account of 4 men 😂), not bad looking, wtaf i’ve been doing with my life. Just a realisation!!

You’re not a mug. And being wined and dined and taken to Paris is not the same as being treated well. I know friends who have had all that and then it turned out the guy was cheating on them.
This guy sounds confused and like a time waster. I am sure he meant all the stuff about you being amazing but he’s obviously not in a place where he can offer anything much.
Also if you want to make yourself feel better, there are so many posts daily about women who are with such absolute dregs of humanity who treat them like shite. At least you are free now.
My SIL has just dumped her partner of 15 years who has treated her like dirt throughout. His ultimate highlight was leaving her to give birth by herself in a high risk pregnancy. The reason? He was competing in a body building competition. He also spent their savings on a hair transplant. There are some awful men out there.

J0S · 13/06/2024 09:00

OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 08:26

I didn't respond. Im sure it’s all the above reasons. I can’t contact him as deleted his nr, but find myself looking at my phone and hoping he would say he made a huge mistake etc. basically wishing he was different right?
re reading all the reasons why it finished and the messages from friends and on here. It is really helping.
Glad i deleted all the pics and videos, there was a lot on there of him saying how I'm important and wonderful, how noone has ever done some of the things i did for him, how amazing i am. Just not amazing enough for him. I’ve never had any man even my ex hb do anything majorly romantic for me. There are women who are taken away to paris, romantic gateaways, wined and dined. I’m such a mug. Like honestly, i’m generous, carrying, intelligent, professional career, apparently i’m amazing in bed (by the account of 4 men 😂), not bad looking, wtaf i’ve been doing with my life. Just a realisation!!

He’s right, he has made a huge mistake. You only needed a tiny bit of love / attention / affection from him in return for the huge amount you were giving him. And he couldn’t even manage that.

Now he knows he miscalculated. He wants you back and he will give you lots of cheap words for a few weeks to get you back again. Anyone can send texts / videos saying how great you are - he can easily do that while enjoying all the comforts of married life.

He will say that he wishes it was different , while ignoring the fact that it’s in his power and control to make things different. He’s not a passive victim of circumstances here - he’s the one in control of his own life.

Yes you are amazing. The reason he’s not left his wife for you is not because your amazingness is insufficient . It’s because he’s a cake eater . He believes that he’s entitled to married life plus another woman on the side.

One woman at home to run the house, raise his kids, do all the wifework and emotional labour at home ( and perhaps a romantic and sexual relationship too - who knows ? ) .

And another women for all the fun , sex and romance, while his wife stays at home and looks after his kids.

You are not the problem, he is. Stay strong.

Remember , if everything he says is true and you are meant to be together, he will move out , divorce his wife and come back to you as a truly single man. Then if you still want him you can start afresh and see if he is willing to do 50% of the effort in a relationship with you.

You will also see if he’s the amazing father he says he is because he will be doing 50% of the care and parenting of his children.

Id advise you not to put your life on hold waiting for him.

OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 09:04

Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 08:59

You’re not a mug. And being wined and dined and taken to Paris is not the same as being treated well. I know friends who have had all that and then it turned out the guy was cheating on them.
This guy sounds confused and like a time waster. I am sure he meant all the stuff about you being amazing but he’s obviously not in a place where he can offer anything much.
Also if you want to make yourself feel better, there are so many posts daily about women who are with such absolute dregs of humanity who treat them like shite. At least you are free now.
My SIL has just dumped her partner of 15 years who has treated her like dirt throughout. His ultimate highlight was leaving her to give birth by herself in a high risk pregnancy. The reason? He was competing in a body building competition. He also spent their savings on a hair transplant. There are some awful men out there.

Your poor sister 😢 glad she got out of there. I had a similar incident with my ex hb. It’s heart destroying, when you’re at your most vulnerable!!
im so sorry to hear that.
you are right, there is the being generous and there is being a love bomber and being controlling and manipulative.
thank you for your msg ❤️

OP posts:
OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 09:05

J0S · 13/06/2024 09:00

He’s right, he has made a huge mistake. You only needed a tiny bit of love / attention / affection from him in return for the huge amount you were giving him. And he couldn’t even manage that.

Now he knows he miscalculated. He wants you back and he will give you lots of cheap words for a few weeks to get you back again. Anyone can send texts / videos saying how great you are - he can easily do that while enjoying all the comforts of married life.

He will say that he wishes it was different , while ignoring the fact that it’s in his power and control to make things different. He’s not a passive victim of circumstances here - he’s the one in control of his own life.

Yes you are amazing. The reason he’s not left his wife for you is not because your amazingness is insufficient . It’s because he’s a cake eater . He believes that he’s entitled to married life plus another woman on the side.

One woman at home to run the house, raise his kids, do all the wifework and emotional labour at home ( and perhaps a romantic and sexual relationship too - who knows ? ) .

And another women for all the fun , sex and romance, while his wife stays at home and looks after his kids.

You are not the problem, he is. Stay strong.

Remember , if everything he says is true and you are meant to be together, he will move out , divorce his wife and come back to you as a truly single man. Then if you still want him you can start afresh and see if he is willing to do 50% of the effort in a relationship with you.

You will also see if he’s the amazing father he says he is because he will be doing 50% of the care and parenting of his children.

Id advise you not to put your life on hold waiting for him.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 13/06/2024 09:14

OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 08:55

Just fuck him, he can fuck off 🤬

Yes!! Now do you feel ready to block him?

OnePinkOrca · 13/06/2024 10:42

Dotty87 · 13/06/2024 09:14

Yes!! Now do you feel ready to block him?

I should have done. I’ve deleted his nr instead and all contact details, so I don’t know his nr to block him 🤦‍♀️ also there is a project we were working on that he needs to action something, so I’ll have to contact him at some point somehow, but I’m leaving it for now. Once he contacts me again, I might tell him what to do and then block perhaps. Also don’t want to seem like I’ve ghosted him now as I’ve not read his last msg and not replied and deleted the chat, but I just felt it’s unfair for him to be texting me so soon

OP posts:
Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 11:09

Yeah that’s a dick move and it shows that he doesn’t really know what he wants and that he’s probably quite a weak person. I would just ghost him though if I were you. If he wants to make big changes to his life and his situation and prove to you at a later date that things are different now, fair enough. But he can’t end things by claiming that he can’t commit right now and then immediately spark up the chatting/sex side of things and expect you to just accept being thrown the smallest of crumbs from him. You’re way better than that and deserve someone who can give his whole self to you. If he was decent, he would leave you alone while he sorts himself out. The fact that he’s not doing this is saying a lot about him.

kitteninabasket · 13/06/2024 13:34

You’re not ghosting him though. The relationship has ended and that is understood by both of you, so it’s logical and reasonable not to respond. He was happy to hurt your feelings time and time again to allegedly protect his wife’s feelings. You owe him nothing.

Steakandwine · 13/06/2024 18:23

OnePinkOrca · 12/06/2024 09:53

Ive deleted all the pics and chats, should really block, but dont have the strength. You are all right. I really given a lot of myself and it wasnt reciprocated 💔 these messages are really helping me to heal so thank you ❤️

Its all a lesson learned, have some time to yourself and plan a girly night. You'll be ok

OnePinkOrca · 12/03/2025 16:58

UPDATE
I just thought it might be useful for anyone who ever reads this thread to have an update. Well the guy never contacted me again, even though he made a big speech about that he would once he is sorted. It took me ages to get over him, I was never that heartbroken before even though it was only a short encounter. I'm ok now and better for it!
He also blocked me on SM, even though we were never even 'friends' on there.
It really taught me a lesson and just wanted to say thank you to everyone who offered advice all these months ago.

OP posts:
TheseBootsAreWalking · 12/03/2025 17:04

Are you certain he is divorcing his wife?

A huge amount of men who are married use these lines, "I am separated, we share a house till divorce is finalised, ex wife, or "wife, is awful, she cheated, is emotionally abusive, the list is tailored depending who they are trying to snag into their so called love nest. All depending on what they think you will believe. The you will find yourself a few years down the line entangled with a man who will never commit as he already was the whole time.

You deserve a man that is available NOW. not in 6 months time.

Why is he in such a rush to meet someone else when he is entangled, still living with his ex? Have you thought about that? I mean, what is the rush for him? If indeed he is divorcing..

TheseBootsAreWalking · 12/03/2025 17:06

Oh dammit, just read your update. So glad you got away from this mess

OnePinkOrca · 12/03/2025 17:08

@mumsnet could you put in my first post, that there is an update at the end of the thread, so people don't waste time responding to the initial post please, if that's possible? I can't edit it. Just thought it would be useful to update, as there are a lot of similar posts on mumsnet.

I know he did get divorced and is alive, but not much more. Good news is, I don't care anymore:)

OP posts:
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