Shall I let him go

[OnePinkOrca]

In a new relationship of 4 m. I’m a single mum of one child who I have full time. I’ve divorced before covid, I’m in mid 40s. Met the new boyfriend online and really got very excited. I’m really into him and developed feelings for him quickly. He is a caring, sensitive guy, really involved with his kids, v intelligent and funny. He is currently going through divorce and still lives with his ex sadly. I thought this would be fine as I’ve been there myself and thought I could just take things slowly and be ok. We see each other few times a week which is challenging and also text a lot. A few times I became v insecure, he is not as romantic as me and perhaps doesn’t have capacity to display some of the behaviours I’d expect. I’m used to love bombing though so it’s also not healthy. He is more anxious, and introverted than me. It’s having an impact on me as I keep felling a bit rejected intertwined with moments when I feel this is the most amazing guy and feeling v high on love. I’ve told him how I feel and he took the responsibility on himself apologising, saying he has issues, saying he wishes he met me after this whole thing is sorted with his house and ex and saying that indeed he perhaps is not ready to give me what I deserve.
I’m finding it so frustrating that I finally met someone I’m so into, but yet can’t fully enjoy embrace it. Part of me is thinking am I just too much? Or should I sadly let him go? :(

Fall back girl or other woman, these are two different things. Im defo not the other woman.

I was also in a relationship with a man who was dragging his heels with his divorce, he kept me a secret from his family but I met his friends. neither of us had kids, we had no intention of living together, I kept my distance, meeting once or twice a week was enough for me. I would enjoy the sex and kick him out the door saying see you next week. Should have realised he would never sort things out.

"And it would be him if he could step up the romance and being more sensitive to my needs"

But he can't. So he's not The One.

My cynical side is thinking he's with you as an interesting diversion to the shit going on in his life and once that's settled, he'll realise he's "free" and you'll become a thing of the past. Yes, I know what he's telling you and you believe it because you want to without hearing (truly hearing) what he's actually telling you.

Your heart is telling you "yesss, I've found The One".

Your head is telling you "hang on a minute..."

Your heart is telling your head to shut up at the moment.

So that’s 1.5 yrs to get a divorce? The answer to your post is yes you should end relationship. If course he is OLD despite living in the same house as his wife, wanting to keep it a secret from his wife , wedding pictures of him and his wife, lying about his whereabouts to his wife, you haven’t met anyone else in his circle who can collaborate his narrative. You only know what he tells you. He is ready for sex but not a relationship as evidenced by his low effort low expense dates in secret. The more I type the more suspicious I am of him. He’s not wanting or available for a relationship just sex.

Thank you, this guy is sorting it out though.

This is my worry, that I’m a nice, fun guilty pleasure

That is what you are to him, op. Unfortunately. If he really wanted a future with you, he would make it happen. He would be invested. He's not and he's even told you so.

We’ve done much more than sex, trips, different activities, one way of looking at this is that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, he initiated the divorce and they use solicitors so anyone who’s been through divorce knows that things can escalate. But my needs and feelings should be equally important right and it’s clear he doesn’t have the ability to look at them. Not even thought to remove the pics before I came 🙄

"But my needs and feelings should be equally important right"

Yes, but now is the wrong time for him for him to prioritise you. Right time for you, yes. But not him. He keeps telling you this.

It's one of those "if only we'd met 2 years from now.." scenarios. Only, you haven't. And he can't give you want you want right now.

It's good he's sorting it out and that you've met his family. For me the most hurtful thing was his refusal to introduce me to anyone in his family, no reason, he would say, we'll sort something out. I would suggest you give him space, tell him to call you in a month or so. I had a happy ending in that I met now DH who was happy to introduce me to his family like I was important to him.

Glad things worked out for you x

Four months you should still be in the honeymoon period. If he's still living with his ex while divorcing, he's not in a good position to really date anyone.

Sounds like you could be a rebound, you deserve more than that.

Date someone who is more available.

Four months you should still be in the honeymoon period.

You can't be on a honeymoon when you're still married and living with your wife.

What are you on about it's a figure of speech 🙄

Right I've seen updates and now I get you so it's been a year and a half lordy!!

I agree with you. There has been very happy moments, that’s why we are where we are. They has been a lot of amazing moments, and a lot of the time I do feel in a honeymoon stage, excited to see him andissing each other. We send each other videos, texts all the time, lots of lovely messages and flirting etc so there is that as well, that’s why it’s so hard to let go of

Just to clarify, he hasn’t slept with his ex wife for around 1.5 and they decided to separate some time after. They applied for the divorce perhaps 1-2 ago? And have solicitors sorting out the consent order etc. it’s pretty standard, that’s how it happened for me. Divorce takes time. Not everyone can afford just to move out, you have to buy each other out etc. I’ve been there, so that’s why i do understand that part.

1-2 months ago meant to write

People have needs and I don’t judge anyone who starts dating at this stage, or can go various ways as we know though and serious relationships require more tlc

So he's been there for a year and a half while wanting to divorce her? That's not good I didn't see that part.

I know you are really into this guy and you're finding it hard but he's not fully available to you. I think you're going to get more hurt by holding on

The only way you'll have a relationship is by him leaving her but how do you know they really are divorcing if on his social media is telling a different story.

How do you know that? I'm not judging you at all I'm just asking how you know all this to be true. I hope for your sake it is true.

If he wanted to be with you , he would be. He would have progressed the divorce and moved out.

How is continuing to live with her while seeing other women “ not wanting to hurt her feelings “?

If they are separated but living in the same house with separate bedrooms, why do you have to be careful not to bump into anyone his wife knows ?

Why does he have to lie to his wife about being out with you ?

Everything about this indicates that they are not really separated.

The fact that you have met a few family members and friends doesn’t prove anything - they may be the ones that accept that he’s cheating or has an “ open marriage “. As do the videos of “ his bedroom “ .

Everything that your boyfriend has told you is what my ex husband told his mistress during their two year affair. He said they had to keep it secret as I was mentally unstable and could self harm if I found out. It’s was all a load of bollocks.

One of our “ mutual friends “ of 30 years lent him their second home to meet her for romantic weekends away . While we were still married and living together and I was at home looking after our kids. They were obviously as gullible as you.

I do know they are divorcing, this isn’t my concern. Yes it even says on his social media. It’s not the issue.
im not the other woman.

Okay. So basically what you're saying is, you know you should bail out before you get in too deep and it's all messy and he's not in the right place.

But you'll stick around and see what happens because you like him a lot and want him to be someone he's not, and your justification for him not being the person you want him to be is because he's got all this "stuff" going on in his life and if he didn't have all this stuff going on in his life he'd be perfect.

Until his divorce is finalised, you ARE the Other Woman. Whether you like it or not and until his divorce is finalised he is not a free man. Doesn't matter how separated they are. He's not free to be the person you want him to be.

He might never be the person you want him to be (you said he's not emotionally available to give you the attention the way you like it) but it really sounds like you'll have to travel that path of learning yourself. Just because YOU like him a lot doesn't mean he's your Forever Person.

I get that and I’m sorry to hear that, but that’s not this guy. He isn’t a cheater. My concern is his readiness, but not that he is lying. He is progressing the divorce it genuinely takes a long time. You used to have to apply for decree nici, then wait, they you have to apply for decree absolute after I think 20 weeks? In the meantime you have to get a solicitor and go through consent order, it’s a lot. Solicitors, mediators, pension accounts, banks, assets, it takes time. That is how it is, I’m surprised people don’t know this. I separated from my ex, then it took me around 8 months to decide to apply for divorce, then it took a few months for divorce to process, then it took a whopping another 7 months before he got the money from divorce settlement and moved out! This guy doesn’t want that obviously, so might end up looking at other options in the meantime, but it is logistically and financially difficult to have to pay for mortgage and rent somewhere else

That is really how it is, isn’t it, thank you 🙏 sad but most probably true